Sexual failure of whatever nature can be distressing; whether it is erection problems, sexual pain, premature ejaculation, failure to get orgasm or whatever else. That is a given.
Two situations, however, spell doom amidst this distress: delay in seeking care and negative reactions by your sex partner. This was my conclusion after attending to Shadrack and Joyce at the sexology clinic
“She boldly told me about this man who keeps sending her love messages and warned that she would give in to his advances if I did not get my erections back within a week,” Shadrack explained on his first visit to the clinic, “I took her seriously and I need urgent help.”
A corporate executive in his late forties, Shadrack was married to Joyce, a marketer. They had been married for nine years and had two children. They both lived in the first lane with highly demanding but well-paying jobs.
“I can’t exactly tell what went wrong that caused my erections to fail”, Shadrack lamented, anxiety painted all over his face, “it has now been four months without sex and my wife can’t stand it. She keeps warning me that I will see hell on earth unless I resume sex.”
“And how do you view your wife now compared to before this problem started?” I asked, encouraging Shadrack to pour out his heart.
“I am scared of her. I no longer trust her,” he said apprehensively, his gaze fixed on the horizon.
Successful sexual performance is achieved when there is trust and emotional connection. A negative reaction when sex fails can draw a couple apart and worsen the sexual problem. It is usual, for example, for an occasional below-par performance because of the stresses of life. A one-off failure can however lead to a long-term problem if your spouse reacts negatively.
Some people accuse their partners of infidelity when sex has failed. Men are especially fond of this, although women do it too. What may have been a trivial failure, possibly because you were not in the mood turns out to be the cause of a protracted argument. In fact, there have been cases of violence due to occasional sex failure.
“Actually, I would say there has been violence in my case,” Shadrack interjected. “When your partner goes mute on you for days on end for reasons not of your making that to me is emotional violence.” I nodded, empathising with Shadrack.
I did a medical assessment on Shadrack but could put no finger on the cause of his failure other than stress at work. We planned a follow-up meeting with Joyce in attendance to explain my findings to her and agree on a treatment plan together.
“I really do not care what Shadrack is going through,” Joyce said when she came for the session. “It is the duty of a man to initiate sex and if he can no longer do it, I have a right to seek satisfaction elsewhere.”
Her bone of contention was that she had been persuading Shadrack to seek care and that she had done everything to push him, including going mute on him, but he took no action for four months.
“He has been waiting for manna to fall from heaven, for a miracle to happen, I think he will wake up from his dream when he realises that I have another man,” Joyce said, throwing her hands in the air.
I explained that, unfortunately, there are no quick fixes to sex problems. Patience and support of each other is what is needed. A person with sex problems, just like their sex partner, goes through a difficult emotional and psychological experience. They need time and support to come to terms with their situation. Deadlines do not, therefore, work. Insisting that erections had to come in one week or there would be severe consequences only worsened the distress the couple was already going through.
“You talk to Shadrack, tell him all that,” Joyce said, standing up from her seat, “my patience already waned. Four months is long enough.”
With that, she walked out of the room.
Two weeks later, Shadrack came to the clinic devastated. He looked haggard, had not groomed up and wore a creased shirt and trousers.
“She made good her threat”, he said, tears rolling down his cheeks, “she did not come home last night.”
Joyce, in her bold nature, told Shadrack that she had tasted the forbidden fruit; that she gave in to the man who had been chasing after her.
I empathised, figuring out in my mind how to craft a treatment plan that included coping with the infidelity of a partner.
