Why men should stay out of the delivery room

It had been six months after delivery but Agatha and James were unable to restart sex. Now in their third year of marriage, the couple enjoyed and had sex frequently before the coming of their firstborn. The delivery experience that was meant to be a blessing however turned out to be a nightmare for them. They came to the Sexology Clinic to seek help.

"I just can't rise to the occasion," James said after the couple settled in the consultation room, "my thing is dead as a dodo!"

He was referring to his inability to get erections. Incidentally, the erections would vanish when he imagined being intimate with his wife.

I took the couple back to their experience with pregnancy. They were excited at the prospects of a baby; being called mama or baba; coming home after work to play with the baby……it was all very exciting. Agatha asked James to be in the delivery room to witness the historic moment. 

"I wanted him to be the first to hold the little jewel and to deliver it to my arms and witness as I put her on the breast for the first time," Agatha said. 

And so the day came. Labour was not fun at all. Agatha felt she would die at any minute. James stayed in the labour room and rubbed her back. She had read on the internet that rubbing the back eases labour pains and needed James to be part of the process. History was being made by bringing a new human being into the world and she wanted James to share in the amazing experience. 

At a certain point, James had expressed his reservations about being in the delivery room. "I think he did not want to disappoint me and so accepted everything I suggested," Agatha said.

She was convinced that James' lack of knowledge on what happens in the delivery room could have made him accept to be there without really being psychologically prepared for it. 

After close to ten hours of labour, Agatha was wheeled into the delivery room with James on her side. It was the first time for both of them to enter such a complex medical setting. 

"There were machines everywhere, some making rather scary sounds, some dripping water, and blood like stuff, some flashing lights," James reports. 

Agatha's pain had gotten out of control at this point. She was screaming at the top of her lungs. James was at a loss and scared. He thought Agatha was dying. The doctor and the nurses suddenly changed their dresses and put on face masks goggles. There was a sense of urgency in the room and the doctor was giving orders to everybody and they were all running around.

James saw the head of the baby pushing through his wife's birth canal. The nurse pulled him away to the side to create space for the doctor to do his work. Suddenly the baby popped out and there was a gash of blood all over the place. James got dizzy and blacked out. 

"The baby was crying, the doctor was struggling to manage my bleeding, I heard someone shout for people to come and resuscitate James," Agatha said.

When James regained consciousness he was in a hospital bed. He could not tell what had happened.

Well, the baby, mother, and father were discharged from the hospital and they went home. They all recovered well in the next weeks. But six months down the line, James could still not get it up.

"I don't know what it is doctor," he said, "I think the experience in that delivery room kind of changed how I view my wife and just took all the sexual feelings away."

My diagnosis was that James walked into the delivery room, not psychologically prepared for an experience that can be devastating. Adequate education and counseling for the couple are always important so that they are well prepared for the delivery experience. A man who is interested in experiencing the delivery of his baby should be counseled and prepared appropriately. They should be shown videos of the delivery room and what happens there. They should be allowed to choose whether to be in the delivery room or not. Anything less of this could lead to bad psychological outcomes.

James had post-traumatic stress disorder manifesting as erection failure. The experience in the delivery room left him with a psychological scar that took his sexual capabilities away. He had to go through sex therapy to bring his erections back when with his wife.

"No more labour rooms for me, never again, I value my erection!" James declared on the last day of therapy. 

For feedback to the editor email [email protected]