Multiple sex partners come in different forms. Some forms are socially sanctioned, such as polygamy, where it is allowed. Other forms are considered socially unacceptable, such as a secret affair in marriage. Even among the unmarried, people do have more than one sex partner. Many are secret relationships.
“I hear you, doctor but my question is very specific,” Andrew said, bringing me back to the topic of the session, “Will my sex life improve if I marry a second wife?”
Andrew had come to the Sexology Clinic because an outstanding conflict with his wife had spilled into their sex lives. According to him, they were having irreconcilable differences but had decided not to divorce for the sake of their children.
“Every time we try to have sex, something crosses my mind, I remember how rude she has been, and my erection just goes,” Andrew lamented. It had been close to a year of no sex.
The couple was in their mid-30s. They had been married for seven years and had three children, the youngest being three years old.
“So, do you want to have a second wife or what kind of sex partner arrangement are you thinking about?” I asked.
“I believe it starts with an affair which can grow into a marriage with time,” he said.
And so, this brings the question of what happens to sex in multiple partner relationships. Well, men and women experience multiple sexual partner arrangements differently. Women in such relationships are known to have a low desire for sex compared to those in monogamous arrangements. When they attempt sex, women in polygamous arrangements have difficulty getting aroused. As such, they may lack lubrication and end up with painful sex. A repeat of such experiences makes them avoid sex and even become averse to it, a situation where sex is a dreaded scare.
Under the circumstances, women in polygamous arrangements get an orgasm less often than their monogamous counterparts. Infrequent orgasm makes them not look forward to another sexual encounter. Overall assessment shows that women in polygamous arrangements are generally dissatisfied with their sexual experiences and do not enjoy sex like they did before polygamy happened.
Worse still, women in polygamous arrangements are prone to anxiety and depression. They are also likely to suffer from low self-esteem. These negative feelings and emotions are killers for intimacy and make a couple draw apart.
“But, doctor, I am not asking what my wife will feel,” Andrew interjected. “At this point, I am not responsible for her happiness.”
“What about the woman you will be having an affair with, who is very much aware that you are married, do you not care for her happiness?” I asked, to which Andrew frowned. In his thinking, he thought that the person who would have negative consequences is his first wife. Incidentally, these effects occur across the board among the women in a polygamous relationship.
As for men who have multiple sex partners, the question really is whether they are able to experience satisfactory sex with all the partners equally. Overall, it has been found that such men are more sexually active for the obvious reason that they have to meet the needs of all their partners. On the flip side, most men are unable to cope with the demands of all partners involved. They are unable to treat them equally and show the same level of intimacy.
The inability to meet the increased demand for sex for the man causes disharmony with at least one of the women in the relationship. Commonly, it is the older relationship that gets a beating. The excitement of the new relationship makes the man avoid sex with the older one. Even if the sex happens, it rarely goes well, and many times it fails mid-way.
“But in my case, I do not have to have sex with my wife anymore if another woman can provide it,” Andrew retorted.
The other consideration is that relationships are dynamic. As long as a man and woman live under one roof and remain legally married, sex cannot be wished away. Many people get into an affair because of conflict at home, hoping that this will resolve the problem. Soon, the new relationship also becomes difficult as the new partner makes her own demands for fairness in all aspects of the relationship, including being given enough time and attention, wealth and children.
People getting into additional relationships should consider that nobody, whether man or woman, exists to be used to resolve the problems of another failing relationship. Before jumping into another relationship, be ready for it and know that it comes with demands and responsibility on your part. It is not a solution to your failing marriage, it is an animal of its own which must be nurtured and grown.
