Many men marrying women with children experience challenges blending in.
Parenting in modern Kenya has brought to light the realities and challenges of blended families. As the parents swoon over each other, children are often left to grapple with the complexities of welcoming new individuals into their lives, taking on the roles of ‘father’ or ‘mother.’
One such story is that of a seven-year-old boy from Kisumu County. After his parents separated, the boy and his siblings entered a new household with their mother, following her new relationship. However, just three months into the marriage, on September 13, barely three months into the marriage, the stepfather was arrested for allegedly physically assaulting the children.
The man, 29 years old, had taken the eldest child to Kombewa Sub County Hospital for treatment when health workers became alarmed by the extent of the boy's injuries. Their concern prompted immediate action, and the area chief was notified, leading to the stepfather's arrest. Medical reports revealed that the child had sustained soft tissue injuries from the physical abuse.
The suspect, who has since been arraigned in court said to the detectives that he beat the boy for calling him by his official name instead of addressing him as ‘Father.’ Despite his earlier claims of welcoming the children and their mother into his home and assuming a fatherly role, the boy’s use of the name 'Odhiambo' instead of ‘Dad’ annoyed him.
Referred him as 'Odhiambo'
“The suspect claimed that the child kept on referring to him as 'Odhiambo' whereas he wished to be addressed as ‘Father’,” said one of the officers investigating the case.
This, he said, was even though he had welcomed the children and their mother to his home and assumed the role of a father.
The boy's mother revealed that when she initially moved in with the man, everything seemed fine. He had even suggested that her eldest child, who had been staying elsewhere, join them. Yet, as weeks passed, the stepfather began to assault the boy over minor provocations and eventually extended this cruelty to his younger siblings.
"At first, everything was going smoothly, and he even insisted that my eldest son join us. But soon after, he began to beat him for even the smallest mistakes," the mother said.
Cases of child abuse are common. In 2020, Child Line, a non-governmental organisation that operates a child abuse helpline, recorded 1,296 cases of child abuse reported through more than 800 calls. Nairobi led with the highest number of cases at 255, followed by Kiambu (98), Nakuru (83), Kisumu (59), and Kakamega (59). The nature of these abuses ranged from sexual assault, beatings, emotional torment, neglect, and abandonment, to child labour. The report further highlighted that in many instances, the perpetrators were trusted individuals within the children’s lives—biological parents, step-parents, siblings, teachers, or religious leaders.
Kisumu County Children’s Department Director, Erick Mugaisi, disclosed that one of the most prevalent forms of abuse in blended families is neglect, often exacerbated when step-parents are unwilling to take responsibility for the children involved. "We've seen many cases where step-parents neglect the children or resort to violence. This is particularly common in low-income households or slums," Mr Mugaisi said.
In 2023, Kisumu County recorded over 4,000 child abuse cases, with neglect accounting for 60 percent and custody issues for 20 percent of these cases. Mr Mugaisi added that community sensitisation and child advisory committees are vital in raising awareness about child abuse and offering preventative measures.
Many men marrying women with children experience challenges blending in, and some women have become hesitant to introduce another man into their child’s life.
Children need proper preparation to make the transition into the new family dynamic smoother. Stepfathers can try and spend as much time as possible with the stepchildren, and treat them equally with their biological children.
Loice Noo, a relationship counsellor with Ultimate Care Link in Nairobi, points out that children in blended families often struggle to comprehend their parents’ new relationships, especially when they are introduced without adequate preparation. The most affected age group are those in their late teens. She emphasizes the importance of open communication between the adults involved and the children, to help the children understand why their family dynamic is changing.
“Children rarely understand their parents' decisions to move into new relationships, which is why we advocate for thorough preparation of the two families before blending them,” says Ms Noo. The process, according to her, should include setting clear boundaries on how the families will coexist, what roles each member will play, and how they should refer to one another.
Ms Noo further explains that a child’s adjustment to a blended family often depends on their upbringing, socialisation, age, and even gender. The misconception that younger children will naturally adapt to a new stepparent without explanation is a common but detrimental assumption. "Children need reassurance and understanding. If they are not prepared for these changes, it can lead to rebellious behaviour, acting out, or emotional distress,” she said.
In the case of the seven-year-old who was punished for calling his stepfather by his official name, Ms Noo highlights that some children grow up accustomed to referring to their biological parents by their names. Without proper guidance, this could continue in a blended family setting, creating tension between the child and the new spouse.
“Any parent or guardian stepping into a blended family should first understand the complexities of parenting and their ability to handle it. Parenting is not just about fulfilling basic needs; it requires emotional and psychological preparedness to nurture a child's development,” Ms Noo says.
