Assuming your in-laws will instantly warm up to you is a pipe dream.
The first Christmas spent at the in-laws can feel like a rite of passage—whether you are newly married, newly introduced to the family, or simply celebrating together for the first time. It's like stepping into a holiday movie where you're the new character trying to find your place in an already well-loved family tradition.
Whether it's learning to love fruitcake, realising stockings aren't a universal tradition, or navigating a Christmas dinner that comes without the decorations and carols you grew up with, that first festive gathering can feel like an adventure wrapped in a shiny bow of compromise and discovery.
As we count the days to 25th December, how was your first one at your in-laws? We found out from a few of you.
I had to learn how to apply ash on the sufuria, and light the firewood
Serah W, 39, university lecturer, married for 10 years
Serah W, 39, who has been married for 10 years, says that choosing which home to visit was an issue in the early years of her marriage because both her family and her husband's family held get-togethers during Christmas.
From the first time she spent Christmas at her in-laws, Serah says she never minded being involved in the preparations of the meals.
"We cook in one big sufuria (rurinja). So, the first day, I had to learn how to apply ash on the sufuria, and light the firewood. I loved cooking stews because it was the easiest since I joined forces with three relatives," she shares.
However, like many women spending Christmas at their in-laws for the first time, Serah was very nervous and had put pressure on herself prior. Why? "I thought I would be asked a lot of questions, more of an interview and maybe be talked to in my mother tongue which I am not fluent in… but as the day progressed and now over the years, I came to realise they (my in-laws) were just easy people."
A favourite moment at her in-laws that day and now every time was praying together, sharing meals and going to the shamba to pick thorn melons and also collecting eggs from the farm.
Despite the cheer, laughter, and warmth, Serah's first Christmas at her in-laws was not without some hiccups. She says, "I remember I entered the poultry house (with over 300 layers) barefoot and the chicken pecked me so hard that it was super uncomfortable yet my younger cousin had no problem being pecked. He actually laughed so hard at me but I later wore shoes."
Experiencing Christmas at her in-laws taught Serah how to appreciate diversity. She shares, "In my husband's side of the family men enter the kitchen and they are better cooks especially when it is the cousins turn to make chapati but in our family men don't enter the kitchen and would rather pay for outside catering."
To anyone spending Christmas at their in-laws for the first time this year, Serah advises, "Be yourself. Do not start a standard you may not be consistent with. For example, waking up at 4am and cooking pancakes for all instead of just buying bread after you wake up."
I felt overly judged, it’s no wonder our marriage failed
CN, 42, divorced, advertising executive
Unlike Serah, CN's first Christmas at her in-laws was not all rosy. That day, CN, 42, recalls that they had just started dating with her ex-husband a few months before and on Christmas day, she was being introduced to his family.
As soon as she got there, CN remembers that she was given a leso and requested to make chapatis. "I joked telling her that the gene of making chapatis passed me in my family but she took offense," she says.
Though she made the chapatis, she shares that the experience made her not to get comfortable expressing her personality.
"I wanted to make a good impression but did it turn out to be good one? No. I remember my ex-mother-in-law telling me tutazikula vyenye zinakaa (We will eat them just the way they are) and it was very challenging. That and my inability to speak Kikuyu fluently made me only speak when spoken to."
Additionally, being a Christmas baby, CN shares that her ex-husband had bought her a birthday cake but her mother-in-law was also not pleased by that.
"We had to over explain why we had a cake because my ex-mother-in-law felt that I was introducing a new tradition. So, she formed an opinion that I'm very demanding and high maintenance from that instance."
However, when growing up, CN's parents outsourced service providers, a stark difference to what she got from her in-laws.
She shares, "I tried suggesting to my ex-husband way before that it would be nice to have caterers but my suggestions were not considered. Also, when I went to my then in-laws, I did not know whether I was expected to show how I could be a good daughter-in-law. Ironically, now that I’m no longer married to the family they outsource the caterers."
As a result, on her first Christmas at her in-laws CN, then a 22-year-old, felt like an outsider and vowed to make it better for her future sisters-in-laws although there was only so much, she could do.
"I felt like I was under a microscope and we did not talk about that day's challenges until three -four months later...another red flag."
Looking back, CN shares that she feels there were signs from the first Christmas that later led to their divorce. "I think you are expected as a daughter-in-law to adapt to the established family patterns and traditions without questions or suggestions. The fact that I even mentioned to outsource catering services, my ex-mother-in-law judged me as, 'This girl is lazy.' Yet, it is simply because my family traditions are different."
Additionally, CN mentions that coming from a family where tasks were shared and no one was solely responsible for chores, spending her first Christmas at her in-laws made her feel reduced to someone who simply followed instructions without questions.
"I did not speak up and say I was uncomfortable but I accepted everything thrown at me. That is when my people-pleasing tendencies became worse."
20 years later, CN says she should have commented about her inability to make chapatis. "I should have just made them and let them discover later."
Now, CN says that if she were to get married again, she would be more protective of her space especially around holidays. "If I go to new places, I sit and observe and sometimes I make a deliberate choice not to go into spaces that have high pressure especially on Christmas day."
To someone spending their first Christmas at their in-laws, CN advises, "Be clear about your expectations. Try and manage them. Have an honest conversation with yourself about how you are going to manage the day. Think about what you are comfortable with and how to express yourself when things are uncomfortable."
This year will be my first Christmas at my in-laws
Waceke, 35, married for two months
Waceke is looking forward to spending her first Christmas with her in-laws this year. She shares her excitement about the change, as in previous years, her husband had traveled to Kenya to join her for the holidays. Now, having relocated to Germany, she will celebrate with his family.
"My husband really praises his dad's Christmas dinner so I'm really excited for that. I have had the pleasure of tasting my father-in-law's food in the very different occasions and he is a very good cook. There are family members I have not met in person, so I anticipate meeting them although there will be some language barrier here and there," she says.
By virtue of her in-laws being a foreign family, Waceke says her in-laws are not only welcoming but have also familiarised her with German traditions. "They have shown me the tricks and traits, tools of trade...for lack of a better word on the German traditions so I'm just nervous on how the time will be like."
The most unique thing about celebrating her Christmas in Germany now, Waceke shares, is that they celebrate Christmas on the December 24 and not on the 25. To Germans, Christmas eve is a big deal and 25 is just another day.
While there could be pressure to make a good first impression, Waceke says she does not feel the need to overdo things because she already established a good rapport with her in-laws.
Do you see this Christmas as an opportunity to bond more deeply with your new family? "Yes and no. No because they are not really new to me, we have been in each other's (my husband and I) lives for six years. But yes, because I look forward to hanging out and chilling with my mother-in-law, sisters-in law, as women do not step in the kitchen, as my husband, brother-in-law and father-in-law prepare cuisines for us to enjoy."
However, Waceke says that there are dishes she has tried teaching her in-laws from her Kenyan heritage. "I taught them how to make Kenyan tea which did not go well. Tea for them is not very palatable."
Being the first interracial union in both families, Waceke shares that she has not received any piece of advice on spending Christmas with her in-laws.
"I'm very lucky to be married to a family that does not put pressure on their in-laws. All of us have not had any pressure to impress. If anything, they encourage us to rest and do what we feel is best."
What is your wish this first Christmas at your in-laws? "My wish is that the day be a simple, peaceful, loving one like the summer of 2019. We just sat outside and drank wine. My father-in-law makes his own cherry wine so he popped one bottle and we relaxed and enjoyed."
Common mistakes made when visiting in-laws and how to avoid them
Lack of Preparation
Jennifer Muthoga, a family therapist, emphasizes the importance of preparation. "Not knowing their names, cultural background, preferences, or family traditions can be not only embarrassing but also offensive. Before visiting, do some background checks. Ask your partner for photos, names, their likes, dislikes, and conversation topics to avoid or embrace. If you do make a mistake, apologize."
Arriving Empty-Handed
"Showing up without a small gift or token of appreciation is considered un-African and is often judged as being mean," Muthoga notes. It’s the gesture, not the size or cost of the gift, that matters.
Inappropriate Dressing
"Dressing inappropriately for the occasion—either too casual or overly formal—can be your undoing. Ask your significant other about the dress code and opt for neat, modest attire that aligns with the family's style," advises Muthoga.
Being Overly Reserved or Too Familiar
Finding the right balance is crucial. "Be polite, listen actively, and engage in light conversations. Let the relationship develop naturally," Muthoga suggests.
Ignoring House Rules
"Failing to observe house rules, like taking your shoes off or sitting in the wrong seat, can irritate some family members. When in Rome, do as the Romans do," she says.
Public Display of Affection with Your Partner
Muthoga cautions against being overly affectionate: "They already know you love each other, so avoid overdoing it. Let your partner guide what is acceptable in his family."
Criticizing or Judging
Avoid making negative comments or criticisms. "Be positive and appreciative, ensuring your body language doesn’t betray you," she advises.
Being Glued to Your Phone
"Keep your phone silent and engage fully in the interaction. After all, you are there to bond with the family," Muthoga stresses.
Expecting Immediate Acceptance
"Assuming your in-laws will instantly warm up to you is a pipe dream," she says. Relationships take time to develop, so patience is key.
Sharing Unnecessary Information
Muthoga warns against oversharing: "While questions may be inevitable, think carefully before answering and be mindful of trick questions."
Failing to Offer Help
"Offer to help with simple tasks, even if they decline. But don’t overdo it or make them feel you think they aren’t capable," she advises.
Not Expressing Gratitude
"Express gratitude after their hospitality by thanking them in person and following up with a text or note," Muthoga concludes.
