In early July 2022, four leading voices of masculinity on Facebook met in a restaurant in Nairobi. Tired of the tirade and the unending online gender battles, the men wanted to move beyond words to something actionable. I was the convener.
Within three weeks, we organised a hike to Mt Kenya, with the hope of meeting like-minded men to forge a brotherhood break bread, and have a fireside chat about our well-being as men. We put notices on social media, and 50 men wanted to take part in the hike, but for logistical reasons, we would only take 30.
We arrived at the Castle Lodge, Kirinyaga County on a cold Saturday evening, all of us strangers, having carpooled from Nairobi. When we arrived, we lit a bonfire, and men began talking. Guarded at first, but as the night wore off, men opened up about what they were going through in their lives, from career to family to their marital woes. And by creating an environment of trust and transparency, men were able to talk. The talks started around 6pm, and went deep into the night, 3am. We barely slept. From 8am we were up.
We had so much to talk about. It was like a volcanic eruption that needed a safe let out. Black tax, divorce, relationships, being done dirty by women, career stagnation, and the future of our country (given the then-upcoming 2022 elections) were the revolving themes, with divorce being the most recurring topic. We discussed religion and spirituality as well.
The men gathered there were millennials, from the youngest (26) to the oldest (45). All of them university graduates, all of them working, or in business, or just recently lost a job (due to Covid-19 mostly or the recession that has been ten years in the making). Their mixed fortunes enriched the conversations because each man had a story to tell. And we all could learn from each other.
From that meeting, grew a community of more than 100 members, and that is just one of the over six men WhatsApp groups that I belong to. Each with unique conversations, needs, and focus. And this was so long overdue.
Uprooted from our ancestral land and thrown into the capitalist wind of our cities, coupled with the death of the extended family kinship, men can be lost on where to find support. Millennials and those younger have weaker familial links to their extended family and increasingly they are cut off from the villages.
Following the successful years of Kibakinomics, most well-to-do men chose the “cheers-baba” partying frenzy of rugby, safari rallies, and the vice culture that marked the 2010s, with the then president at the top of that laissez-faire approach to masculinity.
They paid a heavy price when Covid-19 came, and most lost their jobs, only to realize they didn’t have any substantive assets like a house they could retreat to. Most of them were divorced and they struggled to make sense of the world. But even before Covid-19, from 2015, our economy started to underperform, and most men losing their breadwinning role, started to discover the other side of women that was either hidden or unknown to most men.
Millennial men are the first generation of men to deal with an empowered woman. Pound for pound, women can match the weight of men, be it in provision (they can provide for themselves), protection (state can protect them), and in jobs as in business, it has been a woman’s world, with the Kenya Demographic and Health Survey confirming a few years ago that women in the age bracket 19-34 were doing slightly better than men.
So, how do men make sense of the new world? There is no manual and as men, we have had to create one. About a decade ago, Rollo Tomasi, published his magnum opus, Rational Male, a book that combines evolutionary psychology, anthropology, sociology, biology, and other social sciences to explain inter-gender dynamics, with the hope of helping men make informed choices in their lives, be it career, marriage and other facets of life. He fanned the fire of what would explode as the manosphere, giving rise to the likes of Jordan Peterson and the controversial Kevin Samuels.
Men who initially had no voice in the mainstream media could now find solace in the online community. Like the beginning of any movement, the rancour, discontent, and the methods used can be controversial, but the overarching message is for men to be better versions of themselves, and stop getting too attached to women, which sometimes results in unnecessary violence and entitlement. Rid of the bad elements of evident misogyny, what has come to be colloquially known as the Red Pill, can help men become better versions of themselves.
That is why I was shocked at Prof Mutua’s misandry and inability to understand that we can empower women, make the world a better place for them, and still call out men to stand up for what is right. Rather than disparage the men-only crusaders, as a father and an elder, a professor, he could help men to understand the new world we found ourselves in. The present men-only movement is far from perfect, but they are a foundation upon which we can rebuild the torn fabric of masculinity and patriarchy. True masculinity and patriarchy stand for everyone, men, women, and children, and make the world a safe place.
I am not one of those who believe that female empowerment disempowered men or came at the cost of boys/men. I believe it is possible to elevate both men and women and by doing so, the society.
In traditional African societies, men and women lived separate lives but participated in communal roles for the common good. Women had the roles that they did as a group. And men had their own safe places where they could sit after hunting expeditions to talk about life. Indeed, women thrive as a group, and to date, women still have their women-only exclusive chamas, still do baby showers for each other and together women are pulling moves that men can only envy.
On the other hand, men have no place to hide. Men Only clubs and societies are constantly under attack from the likes of our liberal professor, and women have invaded every single male space, from the bar to football.
As we recreate the safe spaces, we hope to address several pertinent issues, from physical and mental health, the unexamined effects of divorce on men, finances, community problems, and how we can raise strong families, or raise kids in a better way, in a world where at least a third of adults are going to divorce down the line.
In our group, we are trying to leverage our individual strengths, talents, and careers to help each other. Lawyers are helping the men going through divorce. Therapists are helping men deal with depression. We can also cite statistics on how men are the ones committing suicide, and how men are increasingly victims of domestic violence (women still suffer a disproportionate amount of violence), but we can talk about emotional abuse, we can talk about financial abuse and all.
Rather, we need to remind the good old professor, that his generation, that of my father, did fail (not entirely their fault), in their parenting, especially the fatherhood role. And the crusades are trying to fill that void.
We ought to encourage men to get together more frequently and open up if we can rid the groups the misogyny, and women-bashing, and encourage healthy aspects of traditional masculinity, we will make society not only better for men, but for everyone, and for that, we can live a life where genders complement and compliment each other positively.
The know-it-all, dismissive attitude of Prof Mutua only buries and dismisses progressive ideas that challenge the absurdity of liberal expectations on contemporary masculinity which go against human nature and nobody likes the results.
- Mr Nyanchwani is the author, 50 Memos to Men, and convener of the Men’s Camp.
