Without even realising it, your world sometimes gradually gets smaller: less walking, fewer days in the office, cancelling on friends. Watching plans disintegrate on the chat as friends struggle to settle on a date or place for a catch-up.
You might start to feel a bit flat or disconnected. Subtle changes in habit and mood take hold. Could you be… lonely?
It’s not a label many of us identify with easily, especially if you know you’ve got friends, or are in a happy relationship.
But loneliness can happen to us all from time to time – and identifying it is the first step to fixing it.
Loneliness is the distress we feel when our relationships don’t meet our needs – in quality or quantity.
You can feel deeply lonely even while surrounded by friends, or totally content on your own.
Loneliness is subjective; many people don’t realise they’re lonely until the feeling becomes persistent.
What are some of the signs to look for?
You may feel a physical coldness , emptiness or hollowness (I’ve heard it described as feeling like you are missing an organ). Some research shows social pain is experienced similarly in the brain to physical pain.
changes in routine trouble getting to sleep or staying asleep changed appetite (maybe you’re eating more or less than you normally would, or have less variety in your diet) withdrawing from plans you would usually enjoy (perhaps you’re skipping a regular exercise class, or going to shows or sports events less often).
Emotionally, you may feel:
a persistent sadness tired disconnected like you don’t belong, even when you are with others.
In the past, being separated from your tribe meant danger and risk from predators, so our brains developed a way to push us back towards connection.
Why is it often hard to recognise loneliness?
Sadly, there’s still a lot of stigma around admitting loneliness, especially for men .
Many people resist identifying as lonely, or feel this marks them as a “loser”.
When no one talks about it, it becomes harder to break the cycle of loneliness, and the stigma remains.
While passing loneliness is normal, chronic or persistent loneliness can hurt our health.
depression anxiety weakened immunity heart disease earlier death.
Loneliness can also become self-reinforcing. When loneliness feels normal, it can start to shape how you see the world : you expect rejection, withdraw more and the cycle deepens.
The earlier you notice you’re lonely, the easier it is to break.
But I’m in a relationship, have loads of friends and a rewarding job
Yes, but you can still be lonely.
Most of us need different kinds of relationships to thrive. It’s not about how many people you know, but whether you feel connected and have a meaningful role in these relationships.
You may feel lonely even with strong friendships if you are lacking deeper connection, shared identity or a sense of community.
This doesn’t mean you’re ungrateful, or a bad friend.
OK, I’ve realised I am lonely. Now what?
Then reflect on what’s helped you feel more connected in the past. For some, it’s joining a choir, a book club or a sports group. For others, it may be volunteering or just saying “yes” to small social moments, like chatting with your local barista or learning the name of the local butcher.
If you’re still struggling, a psychologist can help with tailored strategies for building connection.
The structural causes of loneliness
It’s also important to remember loneliness is often not because of personal failings or overall mental health.
We are also learning more about how climate change can disrupt social connection and worsen loneliness due to, for example, higher temperatures or bushfires.
Loneliness is normal, common, human and completely solvable.
Let’s start talking about it more, so others can feel less alone too.
By Marlee Bower - Senior Research Fellow, Matilda Centre for Research in Mental Health and Substance Use, University of Sydney
