So you think you have a date for Valentine's Day?

Maybe you are one of those Kenyan women who sent herself a card and flowers on Valentine’s Day. Perhaps you are one of those who think they have a date for the big red day, or you are wondering whether your date will stand you up or not. Whichever the case, this piece is dedicated to those who may be swimming in a sea of ignorance about their relationship status.  

The terms below may be unfamiliar, but you will relate to the explanations, I promise you. 

Catfishing

You met online, and you were instantly smitten. You talk every day, but for some reason, whenever you try to meet them in person, they are busy. You have also never had a video call because they are either shy or their network is always poor. It probably isn’t real if it looks too good to be true.

Collins was catfished by his own brother, who posed as a beautiful lady on Facebook for six months until he found out. He was shocked hurt, and he did not speak to him for a whole year. To date, he has never confronted his brother and does not know why he was catfished. 

A catfish will steal other people’s profiles and use them as their own. They will scam you by first gaining your trust and affection before striking. Kitten fishing is a milder form of catfishing. The person here will not assume a different identity but instead enhance themselves to become more desirable. They will do this by using old photos, heavily editing their pictures or inflating their profile descriptions. 

Clinical psychologist Sakina Kalyan of Hisia Psychology Consultants says a catfish assumes another person’s identity because they lack confidence in their abilities and have low self-esteem or identity. It can also result from past trauma where they have been constantly rejected. Hence they choose to use another’s identity which they perceive is better. 

So before Valentine’s Day arrives and you experience character development like none other, insist on that face to face meeting or consider yourself single. 

Benching 

In the simplest terms, benching is an act of keeping a person as a backup as you explore your other options. They like you but not enough to commit to you.

People who bench their partners are usually unsatisfied with them, but instead of breaking up, they will keep them around just in case their other alternatives fail. 

Angela says she has benched her boyfriend because he does not fully believe in her vision, yet it is essential.

Still, he is a good sport; they have a good connection and share many interests. And so, despite enjoying her time and the vibe, she ought to check out what others have to offer. 

People resort to benching when they are undecided on whether a relationship is working out or not.

One sign that you have been benched is that a partner puts minimal effort into maintaining the relationship.

They will barely call, break their promises, and never be emotionally available. 

According to counselling psychologist and relationship expert Recheal Mbugwa, selfishness is one reason that would make an individual bench their partner in a classic case of having a cake and eating it.

She adds that some individuals fear being alone and leave their options open so that in case things don’t work, there is always a shoulder to lean on. 

If they always wait for last-minute plans with you, you are an option even for this Valentine’s Day. 

Gaslighting 

Are you too sensitive or too defensive? Maybe not; maybe your partner is just manipulating you into thinking that you are, to avoid taking responsibility for their actions.

As the victim, you are left feeling anxious, confused and doubtful of your reality.

Gaslighting is a form of emotional and psychological abuse in which a person uses his words or actions to convince the other party to question an account of events. 

Whenever Emily’s boyfriend would put her down, she would let it slide to keep the peace.

However, it got here after a while, and by then, her self-esteem was severely damaged.

He also would permanently deny cheating even when there was clear proof and instead blame her for the failing relationship. 

The aim of the gaslighter is usually control for personal gain. They are very argumentative, feel superior, and seek to have the last say.

Typically, a gaslighter will love to bomb you by lavishing you with gifts and attention only for them to revert to belittling, emotional and psychological or even physical abuse.

Cleopa Njiru, a psychologist at Chiromo Hospital, says that the concept of gaslighting has often been generalised and unfairly used solely to describe persons with narcissistic personality disorders when in fact, many factors can make a person yearn for power and control.

The environment, exposure and history can contribute to the birth of a gaslighter. 

Ghosting 

Imagine being in a relationship and out of the blue, without reason or warning your partner, ceases all forms of communications and vanishes into thin air. Your calls go unanswered, your texts are not replied to, and you are even blocked on social media. You have likely been ghosted.

Zitra’s boyfriend vanished a week to Valentine’s Day in 2021. She contacted his family and friends because she thought he was in trouble.

When he reappeared three days after Valentine’s, he claimed he had been on a mountain praying for their relationship when he was actually on a partying spree. 

After some time, the ghoster will resurface. They will act as if nothing ever happened and will offer no explanation. Do not expect an apology from a ghoster. This reappearance is known as zombie-ing. A ghoster will employ various tactics to get back into your life through social media by liking your posts, including old ones, texting or calling endlessly. 

Faith Nanzala, a Nairobi based psychologist, says that while the length and nature of a relationship can determine an individual’s reaction, ghosting can result into feelings of emptiness, grief or anger, which may last months or even years. 

Since this happens abruptly, don’t wait and risk; make alternative Valentine’s plans just in case.

Breadcrumbing 

Picture this; you have met someone you like. For some time, you are the centre of their affection, and you feel like there is a chance for it to grow into a relationship.

But after a while, they start to leave your messages on reading for several days or weeks only to reply with one or a series of long texts.

They like your social media posts while deliberately ignoring your messages. They hint that they would like to see you but are always unavailable.

If you can relate, then there is a possibility you are have experienced breadcrumbing.

Individuals who do this will throw just enough clues to keep you interested but are unwilling to build a meaningful relationship. 

Simon was thrown into emotional turmoil by a lady he met at a mutual friend’s party. She would pop in and out of his life.

She would disappear for weeks, return professing her undying love and her willingness to make things work, then vanish again. Each time he was ready to move on, she would turn to his friends and beg them to reconnect them. 

Counsellor and life coach Samuel Kanja attributes breadcrumbing to grief from failed relationships and the need to fill some emotional void. He adds that the breadcrumber will string along more than one person at a time in most cases. To avoid this pitfall, he urges that one clearly establish the intentions and commitment of their partner from the very beginning. 

Is your partner holding back to prevent the relationship from advancing and only engaging in small talk to retain your attention? Then it may be time to reconsider your relationship status this Valentine’s.