To kick off the month of love, we spoke to a few couples on a small gesture that not only keeps the romantic flame burning in marriage but can also re-ignite the embers that may have gone cold over time. We are talking about compliments, when did you last say something nice and sweet to your spouse?
We meet Kennedy Kamau and Ivy Kageni a few weeks after their trip to Dubai to celebrate three years of marriage. Their intertwined hands and warm glances bear testimony to the wonderful time they had celebrating the milestone.
For this couple, compliments are given generously and often. It is part of the ingredient to their thriving union.
“I complimented her yesterday as we prepared to go to church. She requested me to iron her dress and after she put it on, she looked so lovely. We took plenty of selfies on the way to the service,” shares Kennedy.
“After the festivities, he wore an official outfit and I was wowed. He had been casually dressed over the holidays and it was a big deal seeing him sharp in a tucked-in shirt.”
Fearless International CEO Kennedy Kamau (right) and his wife Ivy Kageni (left) during an interview at their home in Ruiru, Kiambu County on January 6, 2025.
Photo credit: Wilfred Nyangaresi | Nation
For Kennedy, this complimenting business was a journey that had a rough start…
“When I was getting married, I didn’t understand Ivy’s love language. At first, it was gifts and I struggled with that because I rarely gift people. Sometimes I got her something, it got her smiling but not for long. I realise some of those gifts were shambolic. Then I discovered she loved words of affirmation. I affirm her whenever possible.”
Ivy light-heartedly recalls waiting to no avail for Kennedy to call her some pet names during their courtship.
“He called me ‘my love’ for the first time after we got engaged. It felt good and it made me see that he was taking the relationship seriously. Now, he only calls me by name when we are in a social gathering or with company.”
In his defence, Kennedy says he wanted to be sure that she was the woman he was going to marry before conferring those sweet names. True to this, Ivy is now spoilt for choice in marriage.
“I love calling her, mpenzi, from time to time. Sometimes I refer to her as my kadumdum because she is very pretty. This is a pretty name for bubbly girls. I got it from a cartoon I used to watch when I was a child.”
It might sound like sweet-nothings, by verbal compliments have been associated with relationship satisfaction.
Dr Marion Mutwiri Mwangi, PhD, a marriage and family therapy lecturer at United States International University-Africa(USIU) says, “Scientifically when someone is given a complement, dopamine, a pleasure or the rewarding hormone is released in their brain and brings about a sense of positive self-reference. The hormone strengthens one’s interest in the person who compliments them just as it does to the person who gives the compliment making them both feel good.”
Dr Marion adds that the brain also releases oxytocin, commonly called the love or cuddling hormone that plays a critical role in bonding, building trust, and strengthening a relationship.
“When someone tells you, you look good, you walk with confidence. It lifts your day, improves your well-being as a person and boosts your self-esteem.”
Beyond keeping the spark in their relationship, Ivy and Kennedy desire to extend verbal compliments and affirmations to their children.
“ I grew up in a violent home. Most of my childhood memories are of my parents fighting. I never heard them say nice things to each other. When I got married, I didn’t know how to say sweet things to my wife. With time, that has changed. I want our children to grow up hearing us compliment each other. I don’t want them to struggle as I did,” shares Kennedy.
Dr Frida Kameti, a clinical psychologist, advises partners with communication problems to understand what is going on without attacking each other when communicating. She also urges couples to build an emotional bank account with each other where they can make withdrawals and deposits to sustain the relationship.
“In every interaction that we have, we build a connection whether it is love or intimacy. Appreciating small things will create a culture of gratitude which over time creates a surplus of love and care to draw from during moments of conflicts or stress.”
He always calls me babe, but never by my name. Omanga Momanyi and Nancy Lubale have been married for fourteen years and have four children. Despite the responsibilities of raising children and running the family, their love is vibrant and youthful. The secret? Being transparent, taking responsibility for personal healing and laving each other with compliments.
“He has called me babe all through, he has never called me by my name, as long as I can remember. It makes me happy knowing that I am special to him and also assures me that nothing has changed even after the long years,” says Nancy adding that her husband whom she dated for six years before tying the knot began calling her babe even before she became his girlfriend.
“The first time he called me babe, I was taken aback because he had not declared his intentions. When he kept calling me so, I felt loved and when he asked me to be his girlfriend, I eased into it because I felt that our friendship was getting serious.”
For Omanga, being called sweet names by his wife melts his heart. He likes that she calls him dad in the presence of their children.
Nancy Lubale Omanga and her husband Omanga Momanyi posing after an interview at their Uthiru home on January 07, 2025.
Photo credit: Evans Habil | Nation
“We have our moments of enjoying a comfortable silence. We seek to model a loving relationship for our children and the compliments are part of that.”
From a gender perspective, Dr Marion says that a woman needs more compliments than a man but this also depends on people’s personalities.
“Society puts pressure on a woman to always look good and that is where the affirmation comes sin. But it should go both ways so that men are also receiving compliments. This creates a sense of security in the relationship making it possible to even talk about difficult topics.”
Nancy particularly appreciates the support her husband offers after her body changes during pregnancy.
“At one point I was weighing 110 kg. He did not speak about it but I worked on it and got back to a healthy weight. I feel good when I am light and I knew that when I feel good, then I am looking good for him.”
David Oyola, father of two, during an interview at Nation Center Nairobi on January 16, 2025.
Photo credit: Wilfred Nyangaresi | Nation
“The first time she (his wife) complimented me, I felt out of place and became shy. I see it on television but it is still a new game to me. I grew up being rebuked and not appreciated.”
David lost his parents at a tender age and grew up without being dotted on much. He feels that might have toughened him up. And since one cannot pour from an empty cup, David struggles with giving his wife compliments.
“When I buy her a new dress, she puts it on and asks me how she looks in it. I say she is looking good because she wants me to notice her. The compliments come after she pushes me to do so. I believe she deserves the compliments more than I do and I am working to make them more frequent.”
Like the other couples, David aspires to model giving compliments to his sons. He encourages them to appreciate each other with nice words and appreciation.
“I am closer to my children because I don’t want them to grow up like I did. I do not want them to turn into machines. I want them to know that parents need to love each other and their children.”
Dr Fridah notes that culture plays a big role in how husband and wife relate and how they show affection even to their children. The African culture portrays a man as one to revered and not to openly show affection. She says the situation gets worse among orphans like David if they grow up without being used to receiving compliments. She adds that when a child grows up when they only know of conditional love, their self-esteem gets ruined due to inconsistency in terms of love and care.
“The Western culture is not just what we see in the movies because I have lived there. Children are cuddled when they are young and appreciated verbally when they do something positive like wearing shoes correctly. By the time they grow up, they have learned what appreciation is, you almost go out looking for it and if you don’t get it you feel like something is missing.”
“If my husband tells me that the way I cooked coconut fish makes him feel like he can eat two fish alone, next time, I’ll go a level higher when making his dish because I remember how I felt when he commented about the food. It motivates me to even do better on other things like holding his hands longer,”
She says that professional counselling can help spouses who are struggling in this area for the healing and restoration of their marriage and family at large. According to her, there is more to marriage than being a good provider, husband, and father.
“Raising children in a house where there are no compliments and warmth means sending children who lack affection into the world and then they are also going to face the same issue that will affect them decades later. If I grow up seeing my dad tell my mum that the food, she cooked is delicious, I am likely to mirror that kind of interaction in marriage.”
“It is the core foundation of socialising children to have a healthy life and a healthy relationship in the future. So, they don’t only become, healthy as couples in the future, they become healthy human beings who then can build healthy marriages and bring up healthy children in the next generation.”
Dr Marion tells couples, “We must be the first people to complement ourselves. If I go to the mirror and I don’t see anything good about myself, I cannot depend on another person to fill that gap for me. Your emotional, financial, and self-esteem are needs that are met by you, through the things you do and your relationship with God.”
