Dowry dilemma: Should men pay bride price in modern marriages

Bride price, a customary practice where the groom's family gives gifts or money to the bride's family, has long symbolised respect and commitment in many cultures. However, its place in modern marriages is increasingly being questioned.

With social media influencers and content creators such as Pritty Vishy making public declarations that they will not accept anything lower than Sh2 million (about $15,000) as bride price, critics argue that the practice has become commercialised.

They contend it transforms a symbol of respect into a transactional exchange that can lead to financial strain, spike gender-based violence, cause marital discord, and undermine gender equality.

Read: 'High bride price has left me unable to find a wife'

Studies including Bring Enough Cows to Marry: Bride price, Conflict, and Gender Relations in South Sudan have found that there is an empirical link between bride price and violence against women. Research results indicate that bride price can cause or justify various forms of abuse, including physical, sexual, and financial violence.

The perception of women as property due to bride price, alongside the financial stress and a sense of entitlement it can foster in husbands, often leads to abuse. Violence may also be perpetrated by in-laws who feel entitled to mistreat women due to their contribution to the bride price.

So, what is the place of bride price in modern-day marriages? For Harriet Atyang’, founder of Dada Radio, a station in Siaya County, she had to stand her ground and negotiate her [reverse] dowry down when her family and clansmen wanted 12 cows as bride price for her.

“She is an educated woman," Harriet's relatives argued, "and they had spent so much money on me. Twelve cows were supposed to be fair.”

Harriet, however, knew the financial capability of her fiancé and didn't want to be “bought”.

Read: Sh21m in account is for bride price, Kerra official tells court

“I understand the importance of bride price in our culture. I believe that it maintains respect in the union and acknowledges that the woman is formally married. However, people have commercialised it so much that it seems you are buying the bride,” she says.

So, Harriet made the bold decision to ask her family to accept half of what they wanted; six cows would have to do. Fortunately, her family accepted her plea.

“I know of a couple who broke up because the husband felt that he paid too much bride price for her, and eventually grew bitter. Some men feel like they own the woman if they pay a hefty bride price and become abusive. So, I just wanted a token of appreciation. I did not want to be bought,” she opines.

According to gender expert Dr Okumba Miruka, historically, bride price was seen as a contract between two families, formalising the marriage and ensuring that if the union dissolved, the bride price would be returned.

“This practice underscored the marriage’s communal importance, involving both families and the broader community. It also served as a token of appreciation to the bride's family for raising her and preparing her for marriage, recognising their loss as she moved to her marital home,” he says.

He adds that in some communities, such as the Nandi, specific items, including a heifer that remains even if the marriage fails, are non-negotiable parts of the bride price. The bride price can also be seen as compensation for the bride's family, acknowledging the loss of her contributions and presence.

 “Factors determining the bride price vary widely, from education and family status, to physical attributes and virginity. In some communities, a woman’s virginity can significantly increase her bride price, while those who have had children out of wedlock may see a reduced bride price and often marry as second or third wives,” he adds.

Nonetheless, Dr Miruka says there are gender implications of paying dowry.

Read: The bride price app that got people talking

“This custom can potentially foster perceptions of women as property and contribute to domestic violence. Men who pay a high bride price might feel a sense of ownership over their wives, leading to abusive dynamics. Further, if a marriage breaks down, the bride price would have to be returned to the groom’s family,’’ he explains.

This means that if women were to leave, their husbands would demand that the bride price be returned.

“Some families will even advise their daughters to return to their abusive husbands because they can’t return wealth that would also be used to pay bride price for the sons in the family,” he adds.

Read: How much is reasonable bride price? Lessons from Tana River man’s Sh7

Dr Miruka’s sentiments are corroborated by the study Bride Price (Lobola) and Gender-Based Violence among Married Women in Lusaka,” which found that bride price influences women’s lives in numerous ways, including limiting women’s rights to children, women being viewed as their husbands’ property, limiting her decision-making power and limits her control over sexual matters. It also compels women to do more housework, and enables a husband’s relatives to have power over her, among others.

He also adds that in some communities, such as the Luo, the payment of bride price influences how burial rights for deceased women are enforced. If a husband had not paid dowry, then upon the wife’s death, she would have to be buried on her parents' land unless the bride price is paid.

Marginalised

Additionally, dowry negotiations meant to secure the hand of a bride in marriage, ironically marginalised women from the ceremony.

Mitchelle Mutuku, 28, from the Kamba community, tells the Voice that her family had to return the bride price paid for her. Her fiancé was sceptical about meeting the elders and didn’t show up during the final stages of cementing their marriage.

“Since they had brought part of the [reverse] dowry, which customarily signifies that you are traditionally married, we returned everything. Right now, we are estranged, but had I not returned the dowry, I would still be bound to the tribe and its people.’’ she says.

“I wasn’t involved in the process. That is the responsibility of the ‘wazee’ (clansmen). I just needed to consent that I wanted to get married and then later on that I wouldn’t go back to the relationship. As a woman, we are not involved in such matters,” she adds.

Some critics, including the authors of “bride price and the well-being of women”, a chapter in the book Towards Gender Equity and Development, argue that the practice has become commercialised, transforming a symbol of respect into a transactional exchange that can lead to financial strain and marital discord.

“Some families will ask for millions because their daughters are highly educated. The problem with this is that such women become too ‘expensive’ and men who would wish to marry are unable to because they can’t afford such amounts,” Dr Miruka notes.

Cynthia Mutiso, 28, for instance, believes that bride price can be a source of conflict in the home and could financially cripple a couple that is just starting out in life.

“I know of a friend who paid her own bride price from a loan she took. This was a huge source of resentment in her marriage, and the couple separated. She is still repaying the loan, yet the marriage broke down,” she adds.

In that regard, Chris Gikonyo, a Kikuyu elder, says in his community, 99 goats is the standard bride price, although the price set for each goat varies. Even so, he warns that asking for a high bride price can deter marriages.

“As an elder, I have encountered such greedy families who want to prevent their daughters from getting married. If negotiations fail, the boy’s family might look elsewhere. However, if both the boy and the girl are committed, they can often work together to negotiate more reasonable terms with the girl’s family,” he says.

In the event this happens, he advises couples to communicate openly with their families and make it clear that their union is based on love, not financial transactions. The girl, in particular, he adds, can help by discussing with her parents and advocating reasonable dowry terms to ensure the marriage proceeds smoothly.

Conversely, there are proponents who maintain that bride price is an integral part of cultural heritage, fostering respect between families and acknowledging the value of the bride. For many, it remains a proud tradition that upholds social norms and family honour.

Gloria Moraa, 28, who married into the Kikuyu community, believes dowry serves a purpose in modern society.

She says: “At first, I didn't want it, but I understand that these traditions serve a purpose. They help to solidify family relationships and ensure the marriage is taken seriously. If there were no bride price, people might not value the marriage as much.”

She also adds that although she would not take a loan to help her husband pay the bride price, the groom should be ready and willing to pay it himself.

For Michael Kishoyian, 25, who comes from the Maasai community, paying bride price is paramount because of its cultural significance.

“Most Maasai girls want to get married so that their husbands can bring cows to their homes. Such occasions are a source of pride and joy for both the bride and the family. It is a sign of wealth and holds significant prestige. If I do not pay bride price when I get married, my peers will mock me and say I am too poor to pay bride price. I have to do it,” he says.

Nonetheless, Dr Miruka says some women don’t mind having their bride price paid because that is the only time they feel valued as women living in a patriarchal society.

“The Marriage Act 2014 recognises the value of bride price under customary marriages; therefore, payment of bride price is not illegal. However, the same law stipulates that it should be voluntary. Many couples today still pay bride price even though they conduct Christian marriages,” he shares.

Appreciation

As to this, young people such as Chege Mukui, 28, a Nairobi-based lawyer, say: "I paid the bride price as part of the marriage process, not as a way to purchase my wife but to show appreciation for her family.

“It helps to bring families together and can be a beautiful tradition when viewed as enriching the union. My father and grandfather participated in this tradition, contributing what they had. I know women who have cut ties with families that view bride price as merely transactional. The true motive should be appreciating future in-laws and enhancing the marriage process; anything beyond that undermines its value."

While bride price is viewed with respect and as an important cultural practice in many parts of the world, there is a growing global conversation about the impact of traditional practices like bride price on gender equality and women's rights. Perspectives vary widely based on cultural context, legal frameworks, and societal values.

Nixon Kiago, 30, from Kisii, expresses his strong views on the tradition of bride price.

“For me, I think it is nonsense. It's like a tax imposed on us. I'd rather help my in-laws with something meaningful, like a business or education. My parents understand this, even though it's a strong cultural tradition in Kisii. I'm married to a Luhya woman, and from my heart, I can't justify taking three cows just because we've been dating since our second year in college. It doesn't make sense.”

His sentiments are similar to Bella Ochieng’, 26, who says that although she understands it is a cultural tradition and a way of showing appreciation to the bride's family, she can't help but think about the financial aspect of it.

“Instead of the money going to traditional gifts and ceremonies, I see it as an opportunity to invest in our future. Buying a house or investing in education seems like a more meaningful use of those funds, something that will benefit both of us in the long run.”

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