Friendships that flourish: Lessons from a week of unexpected gifts
Friends. Be a valuable friend as opposed to a transactional friend, who only reaches out when in need and never when others need them.
What you need to know:
- My birthday celebrations revealed the secret to meaningful friendships isn't about gifts but intentional presence.
- True friendship requires showing up authentically and reciprocating in ways unique to your abilities, not just when you need something.
- Being a valuable friend means recognising opportunities to give without expectation, rather than maintaining transactional relationships.
This week’s column is going to be a ‘tips’ column. The kind my editor has warned me against writing because, and I agree with her, such columns are boring. “Do not lecture your readers,” she told me the first time I submitted a list of instructions in the name of a column. I promise, it is for good reason that I am writing a kind of list today. But I will try to make it less exhaustive than the tips you may have come across on LinkedIn. You know those articles that say things like: “I had black tea and peanuts for breakfast this morning and here is what I learned from it?” I will not go down that path.
With that disclaimer out of the way, let us chat about friendships. I celebrated my birthday early last month and received plenty of gifts and treats from my close friends. I had a whole week of just celebrating my birthday. One of the recurring questions I received both offline and online was: “But Daisy, who are your friends?” I understood where this question was coming from. I have the good fortune of thoughtful and reflective friends, who went out of their way to get me meaningful gifts and treats. I am, indeed, fortunate to have friends who care for me deeply.
Read more: Here’s how to build lasting friendship
I cannot say I have a secret code to making friends who buy me gifts. On the contrary, the friendships I have truly have nothing to do with gifts. And that is where I would like to begin.
“Nothing would have changed in my friendships if none of them brought me a birthday gift. I was not even thinking about gifts because I hoped to have a low-key birthday that would pass without many people noticing,” I remember telling my work deskie during my birth week, as he gaped at the sheer number of gifts I received.
This week, on a whim, I decided to send a gift to my friend, Helen. She was not celebrating anything. Helen is a special friend who supports me in ways I can’t quantify. I have always wanted to say thank you to her, in written words. I had something custom-made, and delivered it to her last Thursday. My friend was so excited and thankful. And guys, that right there is the number one item on the list of how to make meaningful friendships. Be intentional.
Read more: The art of making and keeping great friends
The idea is not that when you receive a gift or an act of service from a friend you immediately start planning how to repay that gesture. However, as a present and intentional friend, you will be able to identify moments when you can do something for your friend. It does not have to cost money, by the way. The idea is that you make time for your friends, the same way they do for you. Do not be that friend who only shows up when you need to borrow something, and when your friend says no for any number of reasons, you begin to exhaust us with memes about ‘fake friends’.
The second item on this list is: Be a real friend to your friends. We all have unique abilities. My friend Joy once staged a solo surprise birthday party for me in the office when I was turning 26. She arrived complete with a cake and flowers! Joy loves and lives for surprises. She can turn even the most basic thing into a surprise. If you have been reading this column regularly, you know that I am not good with surprises.
Anytime someone wants my help in surprising someone, I always pause and ask, “Why don’t you just tell them?” They always answer that question, but I never hear the answer – because I have neither the muscle nor the strength to surprise anyone. However, just because I am unable to measure up to my friend’s surprising skills, it does not mean I cannot reciprocate in other ways, including just calling her up and saying, “Come to town I want to buy you a book I think you will like.”
In case my list was not clear, I have suggested two ways to keep your friendships serviced. One is by being an authentic friend who shows up, and secondly, it is truly being a valuable friend, as opposed to being a transactional friend who only reaches out when you need something, and never there when others need you.
The writer is the Research & Impact Editor, NMG (dokoti@ke.nationmedia.com).