Inside the lives of single moms raising special needs children
A mother with her child. Some men blame their wives for the disorders that befall their children and run away to start a new life elsewhere.
What you need to know:
- For the mothers, their special needs children mean much more than their conditions.
- They are ready to put their lives on the line to guarantee the children quality life, despite numerous challenges.
When there is no traffic jam, it will take you about 45 minutes to get to DawnHouse Special Needs School in Mwihoko from the Nairobi City Centre.
The walls and the floors inside the school are brightly coloured in red, yellow, blue, and green; three cartoon heroes from TV show PJ Masks pop out at the centre of an external classroom wall.
Adjacent to the classroom is a set of blue drums. And further inside the compound are a trampoline, equally brightly coloured swings, and a slide that neighbours a big mango tree.
Haron Kimani at the gate of Dawnhouse School, which he founded. It takes care of children with special needs.
School manager Haron Kimani leads us into one classroom and before we know it, we are bombarded by hugs, one after the other. A few children shake our hands, while others ignore our presence completely. No words are exchanged except for a few grunts and grumbles.
The children appear happy and take instructions very well. In two minutes, the play area with the slide and the trampoline is buzzing—they jump up and down, swing and slide without a care in the world.
“Of 20 children with autism who are boarding, 16 moms and only four dads are actively involved in our programmes,” he tells us.
One of the mothers is Milliam Murigi. Her daughter was diagnosed with cerebral palsy at 6 months. Her daughter’s father exited the picture as soon as she announced her pregnancy. “He told me to either abort and keep him, or keep the baby and lose him. I decided to keep the baby.”
She opted to take her to the special school to gain basic skills such as eating solid foods and verbalising. However, this is not a viable option for all moms, especially those without the financial muscle.
Milliam is also lucky that although the child's father is absent, she has a strong support system that includes her mother, who has helped keep her journalism dreams and ambitions alive.
Special needs children have many financial needs, Milliam’s daughter, for instance, requires full-time care because she has a vision problem, takes daily supplements to boost her immunity, is still in diapers at 7, and undergoes physiotherapy and speech therapy.
Haron posits that development disorders disempower women because often, they are left to shoulder the burden alone, something that he witnessed first-hand with his nephew.
He recalls how his sister was bashed for birthing an autistic child, how she had to quit her job because she could not get a reliable house help, and how her marriage eventually fell apart.
“It was because of my sister’s situation that I decided to study special needs education at university and afterwards started Dawnhouse. I hoped to raise awareness and help other single mothers.”
Elsewhere in Laikipia County, mothers are streaming into Kwanjiku Primary School on a Saturday morning, to visit their children. “Most men here take off as soon as a child with a development disorder or any other disability is born, or a few years later. This is mainly due to myths and misconceptions that blame women for bearing special needs children," says Beth Nyaga, the administrator of the public school.
Ms Beth Nyaga, manager at Kwanjiku Special School in Laikipia County.
Mary Muthoni, a fruit vendor in the county, understands this all too well. For the last six years, she has singlehandedly struggled to raise her daughter who has cerebral palsy after her five-year marriage crumbled. Her husband, a matatu driver, walked out on the family.
“One evening, he packed his bags and said he was going to start a new chapter. He did not give a reason, but I later learned that he was under pressure from his relatives to abandon us."
Prof William Gituru, a sociologist and the director of Serein Mediation Centre, explains this phenomenon. In African culture, he says, women are the nurturers, so it makes sense that more women than men would be involved in raising children, whether they have special needs or not.
“Special needs children below 10 require a lot of attention and sometimes this is why marriages become strained and men leave to go start new families elsewhere.”
In Nyandarua County, Agnes Mugure singlehandedly raises her cerebral palsy child after her son’s father abandoned them. She washes clothes for a living.
“There are days I cannot work since I have no one to leave my child with because of the stigma that comes with such disorders. Nobody wants to be associated with you and where I live, other parents prevent their children from interacting with mine. Because my earnings are meagre and not assured, my son does not attend school. Instead, I try to teach him life skills, which I can at home,” says the resident of Kasuku township.
Stakeholders in the two aforementioned counties have since raised the alarm over the rise in the number of male parents deserting their children with special needs.
Ms Nyaga, a manager at Kwanjiku Special School, a public institution in Laikipia County that caters for children with cerebral palsy, says most men take off as soon as a child with disability is born. “Many men leave because of retrogressive culture, myths and misconception, which push them to believe their wives are responsible for giving birth to children with special needs,” she says, expressing regrets that the situation has left many women hopelessly poor as they singlehandedly struggle to raise their children.
Having worked with children with cerebral palsy for over a decade, Ms Monica Muraya, a special school teacher in Ol Joro Orok sub-county, says many myths surround the condition and even though it is common, it is not well understood.
“Some people believe a child with cerebral palsy has been bewitched. This makes some parents take time to accept the condition and they take longer to seek help.”
In Nairobi, we meet with Dr Sylvia Mochabo Akinsiku, a businesswoman and founder of Andy Speaks 4 Special Needs Persons Africa, which advocates the inclusion of persons with neurodevelopmental disabilities.
She understands all too well the weight of raising special needs children alone. She is a mother of three boys and the last two have autism. One is autistic with epilepsy, the other is autistic with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD).
She raised them alone for more than 10 years until 2022 following the end of her first marriage, which she admits was strained by raising two autistic boys. There were these new medical costs that we had not anticipated, and then the boys needed a lot of attention, it was also a time of self-discovery.
Dr Sylvia Mochabo with her sons, Andrew Muia, Daniel Musyoka and Bradley Mutuku. It took her a decade to find her partner, and four years to say yes to her current spouse because she wanted to be sure of her choices.
“My boys are growing older but not less dependent. My biggest worry is abusers because they cannot express themselves instantaneously. I only pray for a long life because I do not know how they would survive without me,” she says.
Today, among other needs, the boys require at least Sh1,200 daily for medication. They also need occupational and speech therapy at least twice a week. Sylvia has had to overcome a lot of bitterness towards God, herself, and society, move to a place of acceptance and adjust her life accordingly.
“All decisions have to be centred around their needs—where you live, where you work. Basically, you have no life of your own,” she says.
She was constantly agitated because of frustration and unending burnout. She copes by taking some time for herself, whenever the opportunity presents itself.
Being self-employed has also enabled Sylvia to live her dreams and be fully present. She is currently exploring home-schooling as she has struggled to find the right school for her youngest son, who is a kinesthetic learner requiring active participation for effective information retention.
Through her challenges, she has not been spared from social stigmatisation. “Some moms will shame you for venting saying you complain too much, making you feel bad. I was also branded as the mother of children who cannot settle down or the noisy children, which eventually made me a loner.”
Raising children with special needs can lead to reclusiveness, but Milliam encourages women interested in finding love one day not to give up hope. She is in a promising relationship, with a supportive partner. She was honest from the get-go that she has a special needs child and he was okay with it.
“He also helped me overcome the fear of getting another child and now I have a bouncing baby boy.”
For Sylvia, it took her a decade to find her partner and four years to say yes to the marriage proposal, because she wanted to be sure of her choices. Before then, she had been told no man would marry a single mom with boys who have special needs, but she did not believe them or harbour self-pity. Instead, she focused on raising her boys and love found her along the way.
At Kwanjiku School, Beth calls on well-wishers to strengthen support for single mothers because out of her 26 pupils, most are unable to provide essentials like diapers. She adds that the school relies on annual government grants to pay subordinate staff and buy food for the children.
Shortage of funds also means they can’t hire adequate staff, which is physically draining, given that some of the children use wheelchairs.
State support
Haron also calls for increased government support for parents with special needs children, more so single mothers, and that support, he adds, should be easily accessible.
Sylvia, who sits on the Board of the National Council of Persons with Disabilities, agrees that more can be done, stating that the available government funds cannot match demand. She hopes that laws, including those against discrimination and abuse, will be implemented.
She also suggests benchmarking in countries where programmes meant for special needs persons actually work. Meantime, she is using her organisation, through an online special needs resource hub, to help parents access vital information, including links to support groups, education, and healthcare facilities.
