My stand against the brutal customs that only target widows
Mellen Mogaka, the woman assaulted in Nyamira, during the burial of her ex-husband speaks out about the ordeal at her home in Narok town, on March 24.
What you need to know:
- While widows worldwide face harmful traditions that widowers never experience, these practices aren't about honouring the dead but controlling women during their most vulnerable moments.
- We must stop these oppressive customs and let widows grieve, heal, and move forward on their own terms—let widows be.
As a widow of 19 years, I intimately understand the myriad challenges widows face. I empathise with the deep-rooted injustices they confront daily. When I lost my husband, I vividly remember how I was exhausted—physically, mentally, and emotionally days leading to his burial. Then came an elderly woman, on the eve of his burial, demanding I spend the entire night seated next to his coffin, outside, in the cold. Why? Culture. That meaningless word thrown around to justify needless suffering.
I refused. My late mother-in-law, bless her soul, agreed I should rest. But not all widows are as fortunate.
This week, we witnessed the horrific assault of Mellen Mogaka in Nyamira County. Her crime? Refusing to throw soil into her estranged husband's grave. An estranged husband, mind you. She was beaten, kicked, and her shoes thrown into the grave—all in the name of "tradition." She had been locked in a room with his coffin the night before. I am beyond furious at her treatment—my blood boils at the thought of what she endured.
Why must widows endure such dehumanising rituals that widowers never face? Have you ever heard of a man being assaulted for not performing burial rites? Of course not. These traditions conveniently target only women. Men are free to mourn privately, remarry at will, and continue life unencumbered by "cultural expectations." The patriarchal systems that created these practices ensure they remain one-sided, designed to control women while liberating men from similar obligations.
Some elders defended this violence, claiming "people should respect their culture." One even had the audacity to say, "The woman should have just complied." Complied? With assault? With humiliation? In what universe is this acceptable?
Let's be clear: these practices aren't about respect or honour—they're about control. They're relics from an era when women were considered property, transferable from husband to brother-in-law through "inheritance." The Bible says "till death do us part." Not "till death, after which you'll be locked with a corpse and forced to perform rituals or face violence."
Kenya's laws explicitly protect widows. The Constitution guarantees equality and freedom from discrimination. The Protection against Domestic Violence Act recognises emotional and psychological abuse. The Matrimonial Property Act protects widows' inheritance rights. Yet somehow, when culture is invoked, these laws evaporate like morning dew.
These traditions once served practical purposes—ensuring widows had economic support in societies where women couldn't own property or earn independently. But today? When women run corporations, lead counties and ministries, and support families? They're obsolete at best, oppressive at worst.
Worldwide, there are an estimated 258 million widows, with nearly one in ten living in extreme poverty. These women are often left unseen and unsupported. Widowhood rites, which supposedly honour the deceased, instead subject women to marginalisation and indignity, making them vulnerable when they're already grieving. And make no mistake—this isn't just an African phenomenon, these harmful traditions transcend geography and culture, united by their singular focus on controlling women during their most vulnerable moments.
I've spent 19 years deflecting "cultural expectations" because I'm a "widow." People still approach me with ridiculous demands—in the 21st century! If it contradicts my faith or basic human dignity, my answer remains simple: No. Period!
The assault on Mellen was a crime that demands justice, not cultural relativism. I applaud the police for ensuring arrests were made. Violence against women isn't culture; it's criminal.
Marriage vows end with death and widows don't owe their in-laws compliance with dehumanising rituals. They don't need to be "inherited" like furniture. Their worth isn't defined by their marital status.
What reforms do we need? The most important among many others is to challenge the social stigmas that widows face.
Those defending these practices must join us in the 21st Century, where women are humans with rights, not cultural artefacts to be manipulated. Your oppression has no place in modern Kenya. Let widows grieve, heal, and move forward on their own terms. Or as I prefer to put it more simply: Let. Widows. Be.