It is official. Arsenal are the 2025/26 Premier League champions, ending a 22-year wait since the Invincibles season of 2003/04. The title was confirmed after Manchester City’s draw with Bournemouth made it impossible for them to catch the Gunners.
Now, the banter economy is dead. Across the country, Arsenal’s rival fans are reportedly flocking to pharmacies to buy painkillers for mysterious chest pains. Chemists are allegedly overwhelmed by Manchester United and Chelsea fans demanding Panadol and Brufen. Manchester City fans are asking whether the pain can be appealed at the Court of Arbitration for Sport.
For 22 years, laughing at Arsenal was a reliable content pillar. It fed radio presenters, sustained podcasts, gave relevance to content creators, and broke the ice with strangers.
People will have to work hard to get new content, and it will be a long and painful process. Rival fans must now think before posting. They can no longer wake up, type “Next Season FC,” add three laughing emojis, and call themselves content creators. They must research, innovate, and be forced to actually study the game.
For 22 years, Arsenal gave the world hope, then snatched it back at the end. The club always started with a lot of promise. By Christmas, they were title contenders. But by Easter, they were explaining mathematics. At the end of the season, Arsenal fans would say, “At least the football is beautiful.”
Manchester United fans are suffering deeply. These are people who spent years calling Arsenal unserious while their own club became a group project where nobody knew the topic. United fans used Arsenal’s drought like a crutch. Whenever their own team lost, they simply pointed at Arsenal and said, “At least sisi si wao .” That sentence has now been repossessed.
Chelsea fans are also in pain, though theirs is complicated. They are not sure whether to cry, sack someone, sign another teenager, or give the trophy an eight-year contract. Watching Arsenal build patiently and win must feel illegal to people whose club treats the transfer window like Gikomba on a busy Saturday.
Then there is Manchester City. Their pain is different. It is corporate pain. City fans are not used to this. They have spent years treating the Premier League like a standing order. Now Arsenal have taken the trophy, and City fans are walking around like someone has declined their M-Pesa reversal request.
But the worst part for all rival fans is that Arsenal are also in the Champions League final against PSG.
If Arsenal win the Champions League too, Kenyan Arsenal fans will become completely ungovernable. They will not speak; they will issue statements. They will not enter rooms; they will arrive. Nobody will be forgiven, and all disses will be remembered.
If Arsenal lift the UCL, they might as well have lifted the World Cup.
