Amid the growing concerns over mental health issues, most of which have been triggered by diverse socio-cultural changes in our society today, the clarion call from every parenting podium is “get closer to your teenage child”.
Though unequivocal, the call has had fewer respondents.
Interestingly, it is not the wisdom to do it that parents contend. Nope. The desire to befriend their teenage children is alive, but the right approach remains a mystery!
However, this need not be the case.
Parenting teenagers requires tact, humility, patience, a big heart and a deliberate effort to either understand or feign understanding.
These qualities are key to the process of picking out behavioural, emotional, intellectual or even physical changes in your teenage sons or daughters.
In fact, a keener eye, one trained to blend amiability with firmness, is a priceless asset in parenting.
The importance of these virtues derives from the fact that they keep a parent in step with the psychological challenges that their children are going through. Incidentally, teenagers, whether controlled or not, learn much more of what parents hide from them than parents care to admit.
They know the lyrics of the songs parents have barred them from listening to, watched the movies parents have banned in their houses or have had the kind of friends that parents have censored in their houses.
Any attempt by a parent to assert their autocratic stance and criticise anything that their children do, and — worse —declare their houses out of bounds for any unauthorised friends of their children, have often worked to erode closeness to their children.
What then should one do to become a closer friend of their children without absconding their parenting roles?
First off, with calculated caution and elaborate rules, allow your child the freedom to host their friends in your house.
The traditional mindset that children should always play outside the house and that our houses are out of bounds for our children’s friends has only worked to alienate them from us —their parents.
Allowing your children to host their friends in your house not only makes you their ally, but it also boosts activities such as housekeeping and cooking, which work to strengthen their bond.
Indeed, it is sad that whereas parents complain that their children’s conduct is wanting, they also shut any avenue that would allow them the opportunity to work together to correct whatever may be wrong.
Secondly, parents should learn to listen to their teenage children. Children are no longer there just to be seen; they need to be heard too.
Whenever your teenage son or daughter tries to broach a subject, however grim, embarrassing or weird, do not become judgemental and shut them up. Do not overreact to anything. Times are changing and a parent needs to guide their children on subjects that parents avoided in days gone by.
To do this, a parent needs to cultivate the virtue of patience. They should listen to their children patiently with the aim of finding an appropriate point to jump into the conversation and allay any fears, correct misinformation or offer guidance.
Thirdly, parents need to accept that they are human and that they too make mistakes. The greatest tragedy of parenting today lies in parents playing god and pretending that the challenges their children go through today never affected them when they were growing up.
They do not open up on relationship and career mistakes they made in their lives, neither do those that have struggled with drugs and substance abuse disclose their struggles and share with their children the lessons they have learnt.
Instead, in most cases children are left to experiment and learn the hard way, just as the parents themselves did. In fact, parents need to admit wrongdoing and apologise whenever they go wrong.
Lastly, allow your teenage children to experience the consequences of their actions. Do not be over-protective and badmouth teachers, religious leaders or any other person that your child ideologically differs with.
Once parents start doing this, they too lose their children’s faith. With a lot of love, parents need to allow their children to get a taste of the consequences of their actions.
In fact, it is not an expression of love for parents to do everything to help their children evade the punishment that they rightly deserve.
Dr Mwirigi is a researcher, author and Principal, Kagumo High School. [email protected]
