Three batches of candidates will be writing their national exams onto this coming week. Form four, standard eight, and grade six will respectively be presenting themselves with shiny examination materials freshly plucked from stationery shops strategically stationed along the perimeter fences of schools in need, crossing their fingers the Kenya Revenue Authority (KRA) will not dispense another exam paper on the traders, and the Nairobi City County shall focus all their pent up energy on kicking hawkers out of the CBD like polio.
This week, we offer this rare opportunity to take our dear candidates through the common myths and misconceptions surrounding the dispensation of Kenya national exams that has often led to the blaming of poor performance on soil erosion, trans-Saharan trade, Kinjeketile Ngwale and the Benguela Current.
We have decided to do the Lord’s work out of the love we have for our God chosen Nation – we’re not asking for payment of any kind, as doing so would go against the hustler government’s promise of storing all our riches in heaven where moths, vermin and Kenyan politicians cannot reach.
The first myth is that the KCPE is designed to be a tool by children of dynasty to regulate the number of hustlers getting admission to national schools steeped in colonial patronage and with an alumni network wider than the gap between expectations and reality.
The reality is that the hustler government has since stuffed all national schools with students far beyond their traditional carrying capacity. Single beds have since given birth to triple-decker beds, packed like baked beans, in dormitories that last saw natural lighting when Adam and Eve were still buddies with God.
And this is before classwork is put under the knife. When it comes to the quality of teaching, most traditional national schools can no longer accommodate the surging student numbers inside the four walls, preferring to conduct their classes outside windy open fields with the teacher-turned-lecturer on a wirelessly foraging microphone bouncing off sound from strategically placed outdoor speakers.
There is also the long-running misconception that has been doing the rounds on education forums, that the KCSE exams was designed to be the final pruning instrument for graduating teenagers harbouring ambitions of living on the cool side of Nairobi, after bossing their exams and being selected to study pristine degrees.
The truth is that since the hustler government took charge one year ago, all Kenyans of hue and cry have narrowed the wealth disparity gap in record breaking speed, with hustlers who used to sell roadside chicken, slap inter-county buses for a living, and preach on the alleyways of Aga Khan Walk; now owning majestic driveways decorated in golden marbles covered by leafy canopies.
Since passing exams stopped being a marker of potential success in life, the hustler government wishes to advise children of dynasty feeling insecure from the alien invasion of Nairobi posh estates to consider vying for the residents’ association committees and, once elected, invade the homes bringing their hoods into disrepute and whip anything that breathes in the footsteps of Jesus Christ Himself. It helps that the hustler government is run by honest men and prayerful women who speak three languages fluently – English, Kiswahili and In Tongues.
The other fact is that based on previous reliable trends, more than half of KCSE class of 2023 will not score enough points to make it to the university next year.
While this reality might be misconstrued to mean that the affected students will have wasted their four years in school catching grasshoppers and chewing cud, the good news is that for as long as they had fun during their four-year cycle, the easiest way to offload the inner guilt of not making it to the university is to bounce around the compound asking those leaning on their necks to also produce their academic certificates for the individual embarrassment to go around.
Yet there still remains a sizeable chunk of those final year students who will attract the ire of their parents and eventually have their belongings thrown out of the house to make room for fresh problems at home.
If you shall fall victim to this category of parents who still believe in teaching the lesson way after you passed differently in the national exams, this is sufficient reason to apply for adoption by the hustler government which your parents helped elect through prayers not witchcraft.
However, we can neither confirm nor deny that you will be needed to produce your hustler government shareholding certificate to qualify for this publicly-funded grace.
All students on their final exams should be aware that times are currently tough for everyone and the probability of being homeless just for failing exams is so high, that parents are now resorting to drinking school fees instead of sponsoring their children to pursue a diploma in Heart Attack, in future.
But if you fail in your exams, do not worry one bit. Thanks to the hustler government led by honest men and prayerful women, we have rolled out a revolutionary self-care package that comes with an easy-to-understand manual on how to pray for a job on an empty stomach.
As for the small matter of exam cheating, the hustler government can neither confirm nor deny that we shall launch a commission of inquiry into the allegations of cheating for the KCPE Class of 2023, if there will be any, because this is going to be the last KCPE class ever in the history of national exams, and it will be an exercise in futility to make recommendations that will be as useful as a human tail.
