If time is money, Magoha should just run everything

The 2020 Kenya Certificate of Secondary Education (KCSE) exam results popped out this week even before most candidates could make their way into anxiety hospital.

Congratulations to the high achievers who’ve been smiling all the way to our screens desiring to be neurosurgeons and space scientists. While we wouldn’t want to burst your celebratory bubble this early, this is a humble request to kindly go back on television and apologise to our politicians for not aspiring to be one of them. 

Failure to do so, they will revenge by increasing the tax on syringes and allocating money to build a rocket pad smaller than a vitamin capsule.

And kudos to the Ministry of Education for assembling a team of examiners drilled like a war machine. If Covid-19 thought we were going to kneel down and beg it to allow our academic calendar to run smoothly, the examiners have proven that Kenyans only bow before God, hot porridge and the ATM booth. 

We would have asked KRA to allow the examiners to peacefully enjoy the sweat of their hard labour, but we fear our request might also be subjected to tax.

Overall, it took a total of 16 days between the completion of the last KCSE paper and the release of the results. Had this level of efficiency been adopted by the Independent Electoral and Boundaries Commission (IEBC) in 2017, their lawyers would not have asked the Supreme Court to give them more time to allow the servers sleeping in France to have breakfast first before opening them up for scrutiny.

Cover of Satan

That pace would also be welcome at the Judiciary, where court cases are resolved at the speed of a tortoise supporting itself on a walking stick. 

Court clerks who pinch leaves of exhibit under the cover of Satan would have to choose which they prefer facing first, music or justice. Lawyers notorious for dragging on cases for retainer fat-checks would be compelled to look for other revenue streams, or drown in rivers of tears.

There is no sector more demanding of that speed than the Nairobi transport sector. The Kenya Meteorological Department might not have attached a travel advisory to their weather forecast this month, but those travelling up and down Mombasa Road found out this week that they need to arm themselves with water-repellent apron, analogue compass, mud-proof gumboots, and rechargeable flashlight; as they’re highly likely to arrive at their workplaces minutes before close of business while looking like a leaking mop.

The suffering of Mombasa Road users looks normal to the minister in charge of flooding roads and slippery footpaths, and you cannot blame him for not speaking to Nairobi residents currently being rained on because the rains didn’t win the tender to supply water for the construction of the Nairobi Expressway. 

We hope the Kenya Police were also watching the Education minister narrate how his team of KCSE examiners raced against the clock and won by a lot. 

Those tips are crucial in the unravelling of those controversial cases on which they have been promising Kenyans they would leave no stone unturned. 

If time is indeed money as we were told in primary school, then the Education CS should quickly be transferred to the Treasury; now that he looks like he is the only one who can make more money to repay our foreign debt without taxing the air we breathe.

Mr Oguda comments on topical issues; [email protected]