New virus variant makes it an unhappy Christmas for UK

If the people of this country ever wondered what it felt like to be pariahs, they discovered last week when more than 40 nations put up the shutters and declared metaphorically, “Britons not welcome.”

This followed the discovery of a new variant of the coronavirus which the UK’s top scientist said was “everywhere” in this country.

There was no evidence that the mutation was any more deadly than the existing version, said Sir Patrick Vallance, but it was 70 per cent more transmissible. “The evidence is that it spreads easily,” he said.

You can understand why other countries decided they wanted no visitors, airplanes, boats, cars or trucks crossing their borders from Britain, and why they took defensive measures at least on a temporary basis.

In the UK itself, restrictions had already been tightened, but Christmas Day was allowed for family mixing and many experts thought even that was dangerous.

Sir Patrick predicted an inevitable spike in cases as a result and recommended more parts of the country be moved into the severe Tier 4.

Con trick

With hundreds of people dying from the virus every day, it is hard to believe that there are those who believe it is all some kind of con trick.

However, in Newcastle upon Tyne, a crowd of several hundred marched through the city centre brandishing placards saying, “Ho Ho Hoax,”  “Scamdemic Lies – No Virus,” and “Take Off the Mask.”

They jostled shoulder to shoulder in defiance of social distancing and the only masks on show depicted a man with a thin moustache and a sneer – Guy Fawkes, who plotted to blow up Parliament in 1605.

Did the protesters know that their hero was hung for his pains? Not that we are suggesting the same fate for the virus deniers, but perhaps a touch of Covid-19 would change their minds.

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In a move to curb escalating knife crime, police are offering cash to people who hand in blades designed as attack weapons.

Up to £40 per item will be available over the next three months for knives which will banned when the Offensive Weapons Act comes into force next year.

Descriptions of the specified weapons are blood-curdling.

They include zombie knives, which have serrated edges and look like weapons in horror movies; gravity knives, whose blades fall open when they are shaken; flick knives, where the blade is activated by a switch in the handle; eight-inch cyclone knives, which have no cutting edge and are designed solely to stab; push daggers, which are gripped in the fist with the knife protruding between the assailant’s fingers.

A gravity knife will bring its owner £40, the flick knife £20 and the zombie and other knives £10. There will also be rewards for knuckledusters, swordsticks and blowpipes.

Government minister Kit Malthouse said, “Every item surrendered is one which can no longer fall into the hands of criminals.”

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As this column reported recently, professional footballers are becoming increasingly concerned over the numbers of players suffering from dementia, which they believe comes from heading the ball.

Rugby Union players have gone one better. A group of 17 have joined in a lawsuit against World Rugby, England’s Rugby Union and the Welsh Rugby Union alleging failure to protect them from risks caused by concussion.

One of them, Steve Thompson, revealed that he is suffering from early-onset dementia and can no longer remember the greatest day of his career, playing for the England side which defeated Australia to win the World Cup 17 years ago.

“I have no recollection of winning the Cup or even being in Australia,” Thompson said.

The players’ lawyer, Richard Boardman, said, “They love the game and don’t want to see it harmed, they just want to make it safer so future generations don’t end up with head injuries like theirs.”

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Last week, we gave some (jokey) examples of medical double-speak, what doctors say and what they mean.

This week it’s the turn of bosses and their employee evaluations:

Alert to company developments (The office gossip). Delegates responsibility effectively (passes the buck). Uses time effectively (clock watcher). Gets along with his superiors (crawler). Socially active (heavy drinker). Uses all available resources sSteals office supplies). Will go far (boss’s nephew).

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A government official interrogated a farmer over reports that he was underpaying his workers; he demanded to know how much each worker was paid.

“OK,” said the farmer, “there’s a hired man, he gets six hundred a week, plus room and board.

Then there’s a cook. I pay her five hundred a week, also free lodgings.”

Anybody else? “Well,” the farmer said, “there’s one more guy. He works eighteen hours a day and gets a tenner a week and some beer money.”

 “Aha,” said the official.

“That’s the one I want to talk to.”

“Speaking,” the farmer said.

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