Proposed rules and regulations for all churches intending to operate in Kenya

The hustler government wishes to inform all spiritual intercessors who have been calling our switchboard enquiring about the compliance status of their churches to first show us where they have been burying their church members before we discover it ourselves.

Any pastor found to have presided over a secret burial without a government permit will have their places of worship visited by officers from the science department of the Kenya Police tomorrow, to demonstrate to their congregation the nutritional benefits of teargas.

We have taken these drastic measures to protect the public from agents of mushrooming cults who sing from the government hymn book in front of the cameras during the day but eat with the devil behind the tent at night.

This is why, from today onwards, the hustler government has assembled a long checklist that all places of worship must tick to avoid a visit by those who were elected by God to preside over the high cost of living.

If you know your church is headed by a praise and worship leader — who resorts to speaking in tongues every time they’re asked to say a simple prayer — that is one of the first red flags the hustler government will be looking for, as an example of a cult that qualifies to be visited by anti-riot police.

The hustler government wishes to remind all clergywomen that speaking in tongues is a special gift from the Holy Spirit to those who have attained spiritual nirvana only. Whoever intends to corrupt it in an attempt to bamboozle their star-struck church members, will have to explain in diagrams why the government shouldn’t send the police to replace the guards at their premises.

Then there is this small matter of big churches raking in billions in tithes and other earthly gifts from their followers and then failing to share the sumptuous proceeds with our broke government.

While the hustler government fully understands that our men and women of God require money to build monstrous temples for God to reside in, we have noticed a worrying trend in competition between these people, on who can plant the most glittering spiritual monolith for God to use as His bedroom.

To prevent the church from this negative competition in the race to amass earthly possessions, which is against the Biblical teachings of our preferred investment destination, the hustler government wishes to propose the following radical measures.

One. That all men and women of God intending to operate churches and other places of worship must present themselves for vetting at their nearest chief’s camp with immediate effect.

Please remember to carry the academic and non-academic certificates of all your members who are registered to lead praise and worship at your altars, without which we will have doubts on the competency of your church to continue doing the Lord’s work.

We wish to notify all those coming for vetting that the minimum academic requirement for those standing on the pulpit will no longer be a diploma in diagonal acrobatics. The government is keen to have only those who can teach the word of God without kicking the devil out of members of their congregation and pastors interested in furthering their careers in theatrics can contact the Kenya Cultural Centre for their latest career prospectus. 

Rigorous vetting 

After the rigorous vetting exercise, only men of God with a PhD in Botany can hold a microphone on the pulpit and lie with a straight face. From today onwards, you will learn why the government hates competition.

Two. After a prolonged period of sitting on prayer requests from overburdened taxpayers skipping meals to keep the government running on empty, the hustler government has finally agreed to bow to public pressure and will be introducing friendly bilateral engagement with all churches on how they can participate in the Division of Church Revenue a using a win-win formula.

When the hustler government instructed the Office of the First Lady to focus on a sustainable programme on faith diplomacy, we knew churches had their own challenges with working with the government and needed an intermediary to present their grievances directly to the President.

Few institutions have this rare privilege of getting unfettered access to the State House without going through needless red tape. While faith diplomacy comes at a steep cost, the government will only introduce a small fee for churches to help run this God-ordained government programme which does not accept prayers and anointing oil as legal tender. 

The Bible is clear in Mathew 4:4, “that man shall not live by bread alone”. Servants of God working in government also have mouths to feed and car manufacturers are yet to design cars that accept anointing oil as fuel.

The hustler government wishes to extend their sincere gratitude to all churches who have been sending a portion of their tithe money to the Kenya Revenue Authority (KRA) even if they needed not to. 

From today onwards, only places of worship that have been helping the government raise awareness of citizens towards their tax obligations will be spared a visit by government auctioneers. We take this earliest opportunity to send a significant warning to all pastors to desist from taking advantage of these proposed new changes to hike the cost of tithe and other church contributions. Hustlers are already overburdened by the high cost of living and anyone who will attempt to shake them down further will have their churches closed by the government because they will not have any members left to go there anyway.

The hustler government remains committed to revising this list of ethical standards churches must meet to exempt themselves from the imminent shutdown. We are fighting a spiritual war with those who did not vote for us during the last elections and we need all hands on deck to keep this government running and shame the devil. We urge those who voted for us to please cooperate with these demands to save the Body of Christ from being crucified twice in three weeks.

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