State of the Union address to Kenya’s poll agency bosses

You might have noticed that the media are tired of your lamentations and have gone back to showing us Alejandro and his many girlfriends.

This should have been your cue to stop abusing the airtime allowance in your payslip, as no one is interested in knowing who was not told what by whom.

The final results were a culmination of a carefully drawn tallying process.

If you were busy colouring your nails instead of guarding the integrity of the vote, kindly keep excelling in your Art & Craft Practicals after getting paid for sleeping on the job.

We’re tired of this quinquennial charade, find a scissor and cut it.

To those around Raila Odinga, you’ve done everything humanly possible to break the spirit of the man.

For the nth time, you lied to him that you’d descend on all polling stations like a raging swarm, and sting anyone who dares to massage ballots without a masseur’s certificate.

Then you went back to your ice-cream hangout to high-five each other on how your enemies were now quaking in their boots after scaring them with your echo chamber.

Children of poverty 

The few agents you enrolled are back on air scanning for your frequency, asking to be paid.

Those are children of poverty, please settle their dues before you fold up because they also need to take their children back to school.

To the Kenyan church, an Independent Electoral and Boundaries Commission (IEBC) official has been murdered for standing by his values of integrity, but instead of commiserating with his family and exalting his high values of integrity, all you can do is descend into wild post-election celebrations as if you had a candidate in this year’s elections.

You’ve been asking why the number of Kenyans in the church has been dwindling over the years, we hope you now have your answer.

No one would want to finance an outfit that celebrates their emotional loss.

To the civil society: You used to be our last standing army when the government was beating human rights to death, but all we’re now seeing is a conniving tribe deserting civic duty and angling for state largesse.

We understand you aren’t Jesus Christ, so no one expects you to save the world.

We’re encouraging civil society actors not to die of hunger if they can avoid it, but they should not leave their dignity at the door when going in with cutlery.

To the media: Kenyans still believe in you as the building bridge between darkness and light.

If by any chance, you come across write-ups that inflame ethnic animosity and deflate the sense of national cohesion, we beseech you to help this country heal by killing the broadcast before it begins.

It’s the only murder Kenyans are willing to celebrate.

However, we shall let you go in peace if you choose to join your civil society friends in throwing your hands in the air like a West Coast rapper. 

These days, the pleasures of life are stronger than the love for the country.

To the Kenyan people. The backbone of this country was built by those who refused to die. 

We are not a perfect country, the grass is definitely greener across the fence in Somalia. 

However, if you decide to emigrate to cool off from this emotional hurt, no one will cancel you on Twitter and your sense of patriotism won’t be taken through the wringer.

For those staying back, this is the time to huddle together and forgive one another for the unkind words we said to each other in the heat of campaigns. 

Those people in leadership positions are our brothers and sisters. If we empower them to be courageous on our behalf, our seeds would definitely not have fallen on barren land.

Chin up everyone. The Good Lord, whom we all serve, promised to never abandon His people.

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