IEBC about to accuse the dog of eating its homework, again
IEBC Chairman Wafula Chebukati on June 8, 2022 briefs journalists on the preparedness for the August 9 elections. The electoral agency has left Kenyans asking hard questions over the level of preparedness as several issues remain unclear and unresolved, just slightly more than a month to the polls.
The Independent Electoral and Boundaries Commission (IEBC) met journalists on Wednesday evening at the Bomas of Kenya. Chairperson Wafula Chebukati said they wanted the media to kill them with reality, and the public to count the number of times they’d stammer in response. He was accompanied by CEO Hussein Marjan, and after more than one hour in the oven, the duo struggled to come out like Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego.
We shall remember that interview for two things only; the unfair disbursement of Kiswahili journalists covering elections this year, and the alarming rate of deforestation on Mr Chebukati’s head.
Mr Chebukati and Mr Marjan never struggled to remove our confidence levels from the basement where they have parked it since 2017. The interview confirmed our worst fears; that the IEBC have been spending the past five years snoring on their homework, and are about to accuse the dog of eating it when elections reopen in under 23 days.
A Malindi philosopher once famously remarked that after living in Kenya long enough to see an indigenous Baobab tree grow to maturity, she had come to the conclusion that the country survives purely on vibes and Inshallah. Vibes are a good thing, according to mental health experts. Vibes are the air we breathe inside mtaa kiosks while measuring the current political temperatures, as we help the Met guys accurately predict the weather at no cost to the government.
Husky boluses
Nutritionists also recommend vibes to those taking a break from backbreaking work. They say vibes greatly assist in the digestion of husky boluses during standing lunch, for those racing against time to get back to ironing asphalt under the biting Nairobi frost.
The less said about Inshallah, the better. Big data claims that nine in 10 Kenyans look up to the heavens each morning in reverence to a higher power. This power comes in various spiritual shapes and physical forms. For those who are hungry, Christians say God comes to them in the form of food. For those who desire a government that works for the people, Jubilee supporters told us that President Uhuru Kenyatta was chosen by God.
As a cradle Catholic, I know what wonders prayers have done to the quality of life of those who bow down to a higher power. As a student of religious culture, I fully understand the limits of divinity to human coexistence.
God has no candidate in this elections. If God wanted us to rely on Him for good governance, we would be calling heaven each time the presidential term was over and we needed a new broom. Since that’s not the case, the IEBC has written our names in their mother register to make it easier to separate the wheat from the other goods coming down the lorry on polling day.
We have been walking around thinking the Supreme Court were loud enough in 2017 as to alarm NEMA noise pollution monitors worried about the celebrations from halfway around the world. Turns out the soundproof boardroom didn’t allow IEBC staff to hear the landmark ruling in its clarity. They’re still dancing at the same spot they were five years ago, hoping vibes and Inshallah will join in to kick away our 2022 election blues.
There’s no buying excuses from that kiosk again. They have had five solid years to remove damaged goods and restock it with fresh supply fit for human consumption.
Whoever intends to play with this year’s elections should quit the IEBC now and go arrange cones at our training facilities. If the Supreme Court marks IEBC homework again this year and finds drawings of chicken legs walking on their servers, our wish is that they round up everyone in that supply chain, and send them to join those picking soap at Kamiti Prison.
