The freedom we promised our great civil servants is, at long last, ready for serving

The Hustler Government wishes to inform all civil servants asking for a timeframe to the settling of their salary arrears, to stay calm and trust in the word of the Lord in 2 Peter 3:8-9; “But do not forget this one thing, dear friends: With the Lord, a day is like a thousand years, and a thousand years are like a day. The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise.

Instead, he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance.” 

Dear Civil Servants of Kenya, the Lord is speaking to you in the Holy Scripture, begging you to exercise patience with those He anointed to count your salaries.

If the Lord has never incited His Angels to fly down for mass action every time He rewinds your office CCTV cameras, then you, surely, can give Him more time to convince the spouse of a top official to return the keys for safekeeping.

We have taken this earliest opportunity to send the Lord’s prophets down to Kenya to speak to all our civil servants in tongues because the battle the Hustler government is fighting was long prophesied in 2 Corinthians 10:3-4, “For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they have divine power to demolish strongholds.”

Civil servants who will arrive in church tomorrow to find Hustler government officials speaking in languages that resemble a hybrid of Latin and gangster rap are advised not to call the standby ambulance for first-aid services. 

When the Kenya Meteorological Department sent an alert for Kenyans to prepare for the opening up of the heavens this coming week, the showers of blessings were initially meant for civil servants alone, but since they also have relatives, friends and other hangers-on who depend on them for moral and immoral support, the Hustler government decided to extend the rains to all Kenyans.

If your region is yet to receive the rains civil servants prayed for last week, you’re advised to send details to the Hustler Service Commission by close of this working week, and your holy beating will surely be put on heaven’s priority list.

Indeed, when the Hustler government came up with the Kenya Kwanza manifesto promising heaven to all those who believed in The Plan, we knew a time like this would come when all manner of characters would emerge from the woods to demand payment for contributing towards our victory in the elections last August.

We can neither confirm nor deny that there are hustlers who sacrificed their hard-earned funds to buy our agents milk and honey to watch our votes on polling day, but only one person has the keys to the heaven we promised, and you all know He is not a registered voter in Kenya.

Scream in tongues 

Civil servants who voted for the Hustler government and are screaming why their March salaries are taking time to hit their account are advised to ask themselves if they would still scream in tongues if they were informed our victory was only possible through the Hand of God.

The Bible warns us, in the Book of Psalms 14:1 that, “The fool says in his heart, “There is no God.” We’re just from watching the Son of God die for our sins. Civil servants who voted for us are advised to refrain from taking human credit for acts of Godly kindness, without which they would have been fired from the civil service the same day with Kanze Dena. 

When we say God is good all the time, we ask civil servants to believe us, because that has been His nature since Creation time. Any civil servant harbouring evil thoughts — slanting towards questioning whether God can be good when civil servants haven’t been paid – is encouraged to find a spiritual healer as doing so amounts to an act of sacrilege, which is worse than murder. 

To hasten the process of their spiritual rebirth, civil servants who are yet to receive their salaries are being advised to stop watching local news if this will interfere with their belief in God and His ability to provide for their families.

During these difficult times, only watching international news channels about conflicts in failed states can make you appreciate how lucky you are to have a magical country that values the health of wild animals more than hungry government workers. 

In the likely event that the news about the economic desperation of civil servants in Kenya appears on the news flash, civil servants are reminded to motivate their children to begin their engineering careers by teaching them how to use the TV remote to switch off devilish channels that compare Kenya with a banana farm.

Indeed, State House intercessors advise that civil servants asking where their next meal will come from should familiarize themselves with the priceless mental health advice in Mathew 6:26, “Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?”

Cleaning the civil service of Azimio sympathizers will take time because the money we had hoped to buy new brooms with was diverted to purchasing opposition MPs who came at throwaway prices.

The hustler government wishes to plead with civil servants to bear with us a little longer, as we weed out ghost workers – who did not believe in the Kenya Kwanza bottom-up economic transformation agenda – from the civil service payroll. 

During the campaigns, we promised hustlers that our government will deliver freedom to all civil servants who have been stuck in a rut from the handshake days. You will agree with us, that there’s no better relief from working for the government than receiving your retrenchment letter to go home and enjoy permanent freedom all the days of your life. 

[email protected]