Notice of the 60th AGM of Hustler Government PLC

Notice is hereby given that the 60th Annual General Meeting of the Hustler Government Public Limited Company (PLC) will be held for seven days starting Wednesday, March 1, 2023, at the Public Service Commission, to interview shareholders shortlisted for the Chief Administrative Secretary positions.

The shortlist has been derived after extensive consultations with shareholders who died with us during last year’s crucifixion by Pontius Pilate Kinoti.

In preparation for the vetting exercise, the PSC wishes to notify those in the interviewing panel to keep their phones on at all times, as there might be changes to the shortlist as and when other hustlers increase their share capital.

Those who will be found to have switched off their phones will be taken to be sympathisers of our competitors and will be politely asked to go and join their colleagues in beating sufurias on the streets.

Shortlisted applicants are expected to come for the interview with the following documents: (i) a copy of your UDA life membership certificate (ii) professional belts won fighting for President William Ruto in the run-up to last year’s general election and (iii) six copies the respective ballot papers for the 2022 elections showing how you voted. A letter of recommendation from the Deputy President will be an added advantage.

Company switchboard 

Shareholders who had applied for other company positions but have not yet received communication are requested to stop calling the company switchboard asking for the status of their applications. This company is bigger than any one of us, and no single shareholder can eat it all in one sitting. 

It has also come to the attention of company directors that some shareholders have been disclosing the shareholding status of other members, in a bid to discourage them from applying for this year’s dividends. This is to notify all shareholders that only the DP is allowed to access this confidential information for the purposes of recommending members for company positions.

Anyone else found to be usurping the powers of the DP in recommending others for positions will be summoned to the disciplinary committee to explain in diagrams why they have been saying that 2027 is just here with us when we all know that years have no legs.

This gag order also extends to shareholders who have been calling the company switchboard asking why non-members who were never with us when we were being fought by rival companies have been cleared to join the company at the reward stage.

Hustler Centre clearance

Media houses intending to interview any member purporting to be a shareholder must first seek clearance from the Hustler Centre, or we will not be held responsible if they are summoned to the DCI headquarters to write statements in algebra.

Notice is also hereby given to shareholders who had their shares trapped in a special audit account by the previous regime. We wish to notify all of you to report to the company offices with all supporting documents and an application letter to the Director of Pardoning the Persecuted (DPP) to unfreeze your accounts. In six months’ time, all genuine claims, which are historic, will be completely unfrozen.

With regard to the AGM, members are notified that all questions and clarifications must reach the company on or before Wednesday, March 1, 2023, at 5.00 p.m. Rigathi Central Time (Rice).

Following receipt of the questions and clarifications, company directors shall provide written responses only to questions that have four legs and two tails no later than twelve (12) hours before the start of the AGM.

A full list of all questions received and the answers thereto will be published on the company’s website no later than twelve (12) hours before the start of the AGM, only if Parliament approves our Supplementary Budget for a God-chosen printer that speaks in tongues. 

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