Four lives, one night: How silent male anguish is fuelling Kenya’s suicide crisis

“I  will handle the issue my way.” Those were the last reassuring words Lazaro Okebee heard from his younger brother, David Goga, more than a year ago.

Unknown to Lazaro, that would be their final conversation.

Two days later, he woke to devastating news: David had died by suicide after taking the lives of three children.

David, a police officer attached to a station in Marsabit, had poisoned the children before killing himself. A post-mortem confirmed this. He left a note instructing the family to wrap him together with two of his children in one blanket and lay their remains in one grave.

“Our family lost four members in one night without warning. Today, the grave is a constant reminder of April 6, 2025,” said Lazaro.

During that last call, David had complained about his wife, whom he accused of extramarital affairs. He claimed she had left their matrimonial home with their two children. Lazaro invited him for a talk, but David replied that he would handle the matter his way.

Also read: 50 suicides in 10 months: The mental health crisis gripping Naivasha

He also announced he had been granted annual leave and was leaving Marsabit immediately for home. He called his mother, instructing her to lock his house, explaining that his wife of seven years had walked out.

The next day, David arrived at his rural home in Rachuonyo North, Homa Bay County. He had his ailing mother admitted to a health facility, then travelled to his wife’s home. 

There, he asked about his spouse but got no clear answer. He requested his father-in-law to allow him to take their two children, aged five and seven, plus two other members of his wife’s family: a teenager and an eight-year-old.

At home, the five spent the evening telling stories. The teenager left before the four retired to bed.

The following morning, the family broke down David’s door after no one showed up for breakfast and the door remained locked from inside.

“Those who broke in were met with lifeless bodies and a note,” Lazaro said. The bodies were moved to Homa Bay Teaching and Referral Hospital for preservation and post-mortem.

David and his two children were later laid to rest within the family compound as per his last wish. There was no ceremony, and no one was allowed to eat. The other child’s body was transported to the in-laws for burial.

Lazaro said the incident took the family by surprise. David, 30, had never once hinted at his intentions. He was well-behaved and focused. After scoring a B plain in his 2015 KCSE exams, he failed to join university. Instead, he joined the Kenya Police Service in 2017, passed out, and later took a paramilitary course. In 2018, he married his girlfriend and they had two children, a girl and a boy. Years later, he began complaining about his wife’s alleged infidelity. “He never loved opening up. He only shared scanty information.” Lazaro explained. Whenever David did, his brother encouraged him, saying squabbles were common in marriages.

David had opened a business for his wife to keep her busy. But he kept receiving calls from neighbours about her alleged infidelity while he was away at work. This continued until April 4, 2025, when a neighbour called to say his wife had left with their two children.

The following day, the family lost four loved ones.

“I am sharing this story hoping it will help someone out there. My plea to men: let us learn to speak up. It is also okay to walk out of an unhealthy marriage for the sake of our mental health,” Lazaro said.

Everlyne Oyuko, a psychiatrist at Hope Centre Mental Health Facility, Homa Bay County Teaching and Referral Hospital, described mental health as emotional and physical wellbeing, and the ability to achieve one’s full potential.

Late diagnosis

She said men’s mental health-seeking behaviour remains poor, leading to late diagnosis, treatment, and poor outcomes. The aftermath: men silently battling depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts.

“You can tell a man is battling mental health conditions by observing changes in behaviour, relationship habits, drug abuse, including excessive alcohol intake.”

Other signs include aggression, violence, sleep struggles, risk-taking, controlling behaviour, and hopelessness. She also highlighted overworking or obsession with sports like betting to escape worries, withdrawal, inability to complete tasks, and performance decline at home, school or work.

When not handled in time, Everlyne said mental instability can reduce a country’s GDP, lower workplace productivity, cause family suffering including gender-based violence and femicide, and lead to depression and suicide.

That was the case for the family of Paul (not his real name). For them, the month of March holds unforgettable experiences.

This is the month the family lost a son and brother in a way no one expected. Paul,  Michael’s (not his real name) father, recalled walking into his son’s rented house in Kisumu one morning to check on him as he did every day.

He had made a routine of visiting the young man each morning to know how he was doing and whether he had taken his mental health medication. Earlier that morning, Paul’s wife had checked on Michael. He was in high spirits and promised to pass by his mother’s house for lunch, a promise never fulfilled.

An hour later, Paul left his house after breakfast and walked a few metres to the rented house where Michael lived under a sibling’s care.

“That morning, one unusual thing I noticed was that the door was still closed, which was very weird. My son was an early riser. I got closer and knocked several times but there was no answer,” said Paul.

He also tried calling Michael’s phone repeatedly, but it went unanswered. Realising the door was still locked, Paul sent for the house keys from Michael’s caregiver, who had left for work earlier. A motorcycle rider brought the keys minutes later. Paul opened the door and headed for his son’s bedroom.

“I got into the bedroom only to be met by the sight of my son who had committed suicide,” said Paul, fighting back tears.

“To date, the sight of the state I met my son has never left my mind. I hate to think he is already dead. He was such a promising young man.”

Nine months before his death, Paul revealed, Michael had been fired from his workplace twice, eventually securing a lower-paying job. The change at work greatly affected the young man, who had lived a lavish lifestyle from the handsome money he made at a government office in Kisumu.

While still on his well-paying job, Michael had made friends with other men whom he would party with at high-end clubs whenever possible.

But when his fortunes changed, his friends left one by one. None was willing to hang out with the now “broke” man. Michael then turned to spending time locked in his house. On most occasions, he was on his laptop or phone for most of the night.

Some of his friends had reached out to his father when Michael started sharing alarming posts on social media. “At first, he was constantly at war with his employer, whom he faulted for unfair dismissal. Then he started posting embarrassing things,” said Paul.

Paul recalls visiting his son’s house in a luxurious Kisumu estate and having him admitted to Kisumu County Teaching and Referral Hospital (KCTRH) for mental health assessment. The facility confirmed a mental disorder and admitted him. But Paul referred his son to a private clinic two days later due to poor services at the public hospital.

KCTRH hosts the only public inpatient mental health ward in the region, but it remains understaffed and underequipped.

“I took my son to a private mental wellness facility within Kisumu, and he was immediately placed on therapy,” said Paul, adding that Michael responded to medication.

Mid-medication, Paul also sought religious intervention, thinking his son’s condition was spiritual.
Weeks later, Michael was discharged, with doctors resuming biweekly home therapy. Paul rented a house for his son next to his own as Michael was already in a strained relationship with his wife, who constantly threatened to leave with their son. Despite the fights, their young son, whom Michael had grown fond of, would be brought to see him from time to time.

Sadly, Michael took his own life just two months into home therapy.

“I later learnt from his caregiver that Michael was in a fight that morning with his wife on the phone. She had vowed to leave the relationship with their only son. He had begged her to stay, but she would hear none of it,” said Paul.

Paul recalls spending the previous evening dancing to local Luo music with his son. It had been a fun evening. Little did he know it would be the last time he saw him alive.

“His friends later shared how he had appeared withdrawn for months before resorting to sharing his predicaments online. Maybe, just maybe, if we had intervened early, my son would still be with us,” said the broken father. In another incident, a 23-year-old male student died by suicide in Homa Bay County earlier this month in what authorities believe was a mental health case. The student had failed to go home for long holidays and spent most of his time locked inside his house. “I realised he was broke and struggling to make ends meet. I decided to engage him in some chores within my compound at a fee,” said his landlady during an interview.

Went missing

But he abandoned the job and went missing for two days before his body was discovered in his locked house. He was last seen hanging his washed clothes to dry.

His friends described him as a quiet person who only engaged in conversations when drunk, and could be violent at times. “Once drunk, he would engage people in quarrels. We dismissed it as an effect of alcohol,” they said. According to Homa Bay authorities, suicide cases remain common in the county, with at least five recorded per month; the majority being men.

The Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) says mental health affects everyone, but many men struggle in silence. Depression, anxiety, trauma, substance misuse, and suicidal thoughts impact millions of men every year, yet men are far less likely than women to seek professional help.

“Stigma, cultural expectations, and the belief that asking for help is a sign of weakness are major hindrances,” the ADAA states. “Men have been told to ‘man up,’ ‘stay strong,’ or ‘deal with it.’” Nearly one in 10 men experience depression or anxiety, but less than half receive treatment.

The World Health Organization (WHO) echoes this: men are less likely to seek help and more likely to die by suicide. Its 2020 report argues that a supportive environment normalising help-seeking can encourage men to open up. 

“Reframing health seeking as a more masculine behaviour may lead more men to engage,” the WHO writes. “Questioning traditional constructions of masculinity helps men accept vulnerability.”

Also read: Children on social media more than two hours a day at higher risk of mental illness: Study

In Kenya, the WHO finds that one in four people seeking healthcare has a mental health condition. The Ministry of Health adds: four Kenyans die by suicide every day, and 75 per cent lack access to mental health services.

That is why Pastor Pius Buodo of Possibility House Church, Kisumu, started men’s mental wellness talks five years ago. He observed rising suicide, family breakups, and drug addiction among men. The church, he said, encourages believers to open up without judgment: “We point them to Jesus, the burden remover.” In 2021, he organised the first 

Men’s Baraza with over 100 men. The platform allowed them to open up about issues affecting them in marriages, relationships, and at work.

“Some of the burdens the men spoke about were pressure at work, family and romantic relationships, rising bills, diseases, and the fear of being judged for opening up,” said Pastor Buodo, adding that some revealed they had been disgraced and shamed for being vulnerable.

Others confessed to getting married out of family pressure, heavy spending to please partners, servicing large loans, shouldering family responsibilities alone, healing from relationship traumas, and living in a community that believes complaining or failing for a man is a sign of weakness.

They spoke of pouring into others’ lives while no one pours back.

The preacher said he realised that a safe, judgment free space allows men to unburden years of pain. “A number confessed they could walk out of toxic situations they had held onto for years.” He also urged men to share their issues only with trusted people who protect their privacy.

Results include work improvements, promotions, rehabilitation for drug abuse, family unity, and healthier lives. This year, the church holds its fifth programme, reaching nearly 1,000 men. “Most of our country’s problems such as suicide, gender based violence, and  femicide can be managed by including men in mental health talks,” Pastor Buodo said.

Psychiatrist Everlyne added that tackling men’s mental health starts in families: how a boy learns to handle life shapes his adult well being. Community, schools, and friendships matter. Awareness creation is key. “We tend to blame the government, but the solution is with us. Tell young boys it’s okay to fail, cry, lack, or seek help.” 

But all is not lost. She noted that society slowly embraces men’s mental health through initiatives like ‘Man Cave’ and men’s conferences. “Normalise and champion men’s mental health everywhere: schools, homes, churches, media, public spaces,” she concluded. 

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