How to overcome your cultural differences and make your relationship work

When a relationship is formed by two partners with different ethnic and cultural orientations, the couple must take deliberate steps to protect and maintain their partnership.

Identify your cultural differences

Certain traditions and practices in your community might be alien to your partner’s community. “You must identify your cultural differences, how relevant they are to each of you, how you perceive them and how your prospective siblings perceive them,” says Margaret Njau, a family therapist based in Nairobi.

This will guide you on what toes not to step on when you interact with your mutual siblings. “It will also set a template of the things you will entertain within the relationship and marriage, and those that you will not tolerate,” she says. According to Professor Roberta Satow, a psychoanalyst and the author of Gender and Social Life, cultural differences will be unique from one couple to the other. The differences may range from your native language to your place of birth. They may also be socioeconomic. “You may come from different social classes and have different expectations about where you will live. You may come from the same cultural group but disagree about the role religion should have in your life,” she says. “You may want to observe traditional customs, such as preparing all foods a certain way, while your partner does not feel the same way.”

Cultural rejection

“Interracial and intercultural relationships are not fully embraced and there is always the possibility that one side of the family might shut the door,” says Ms. Njau. Before this happens, your spouse should prepare you by honestly explaining whether your intercultural or interracial relationship will be welcomed in his family or not. “He should also be open about whether he will stand his ground and defend his commitment to you or if he will also shut you out. If he can’t defend your position in his life, then there will be no point in progressing with the relationship” says psychologist Patrick Musau.

Respect is paramount

There is a difference between accepting and respecting your partner’s cultures and beliefs and simply accepting to live with them. “Do not make veiled attempts to coerce him to abandon his traditions, faith, and cultural beliefs,” says Susan Gacheru, a family therapist based in Nakuru. Also, do not forcefully convert your partner to your cultural way of living or force your own traditions down his throat. Instead, make genuine efforts to understand why he holds on to the beliefs. You can achieve this by delving into cultural books to get a better grasp of his community’s traditions and cultures. “Don’t start making offensive tribal and cultural jokes or dragging cultural practices into your relationship fights and arguments. It will only aggravate the situation and might set you apart,” says Ms. Gacheru.

Set your boundaries

Despite making efforts to understand and accept your cultural differences, you must set boundaries as well. There are outdated and harmful practices you should not take part in. Additionally, do not abandon your cultures and traditions in favour of his. “Intercultural respect should go both ways. There are non-negotiable things you must stick to. For example, you cannot accept physical mutilation simply because part of his culture demands so,” says Musau. He also says that there should be boundaries that relatives and friends from both cultures must not cross. “Attempts to interfere will be constant. Make sure that your friends and families on both sides recognise the dignity of your relationship. Be wise enough to distinguish between respect, good advice, manipulation, and malice from friends and relatives,” he says.

Shared traditions

Despite coming from different cultures and traditions, there will be certain things that you share. Identify and use them to anchor and consistently rekindle your relationship. “Do not forget the good traits and attributes that attracted you to each other in the first place. Give love the biggest chance and nurture it,” says Mrs. Gacheru. This can be achieved by creating joint activities with shared interests, and going the extra mile to learn and incorporate the good in each other’s culture into your life. “Your languages are the key to the values of your cultures. Learning each other’s language can help you integrate into each other’s life as well as support you in understanding each other, especially in family communication,” says Professor Satow.