Do you know your man’s sexual motivation?

The reason why a man will engage in sex will vary from one partner to another. There are men who will use sex as a form of establishing their conquest, others out of addiction, and still, others out of romance. Motivation can determine the longevity and satisfaction of your relationship. So how do you tell what’s pushing him towards you sexually?

Sexual orientation

According to personal and social psychology researcher Dr. Jeremy Nicholson, you could save yourself a lot of trouble by figuring out what type or orientation your new partner is drawn towards before you engage with them sexually. This will include his perspectives on sexual issues such as cheating, fantasies, and type of sex. “Does he think sex without love is okay? Find out how many sexual partners he has had, particularly one-night stand partners,” he says. If the man has a low number of a one-night stand and believes that lying to someone that you love them in order to have sex is a travesty, then chances are that he will be a good catch. “Such a man will have a low or restricted sexual orientation. For instance, he will be having sex as part of a committed relationship where the partners love each other,” he says.

Additionally, in today’s world where more people are coming out openly about their sexual orientation, it would be in order to examine the type of gender your partner is attracted to. You don’t want to be the decoy or a front for a different sexual orientation.

Game of power

To some men, sex is also a game of power. For instance, there are men who stay faithful because playing around would be too financially costly for them. “There are men whose faithfulness is maintained by their poor financial capabilities. Having an affair often comes with financial spending. If your budget doesn’t have the space for one, you could be constrained to staying faithful,” says sociologist Martin Wambugu. “In such liaisons, financial support is perceived to be the least a man who is committed elsewhere can bring to the table,” he says. According to Wambugu, there are also men who see sex as means to conquer. “Because men are instinctively and evolutionary adventurous and wired to conquer, there are those who view sex as a predator vs prey endeavor. He will pursue you, once he devours, you, he will move on and target his next kill,” he says.

Spotting the telltale signs

According to Nicholson, you can easily tell what is likely to motivate them into having sex with you by listening and reading between the lines. “Start by listening to how they talk about their past sexual relationships. Then relate this to the type of compliments they give you,” he says. Nicholson gives examples of how they describe your physical attractiveness. “For example, if they hype your physical attractiveness, it could be because they are motivated by lust or sexual desirability,” he says. Also, if they hint that they were jealous of an ex-partner, this can mean that they have the tendency to guard their mates. “If they are overly drawn towards wealth and status in the society, this could be a hint that their sex lives are attached to such types of material status,” he adds.

What to do

Once you identify what his sexual motives are, you will have two choices to make. You can either walk away if the motives do not align with what you want. You can also stick around and give them what they want if you align. However, Wambugu cautions that it will be a mistake to identify a person who wants a quick one night stand then assume that you can make them stick around if they don’t want to. “No amount of sexual favours will lead to a commitment,” he cautions. “If the relationship he wants is a no-strings attached, you must not assume that it can lead to longevity, commitment, or even marriage. Even where a baby comes into the picture, realise that a child alone won’t keep him around.”