Sexual health: How to resolve the problem of bad sex in your relationship

Bad sex in relationships is more common than people admit. In almost all cases, the man is usually at fault. According to Laurie Watson, the author of Wanting Sex Again, reasons for this could be what is seen as selfishness on the man’s part, where he gets too excited to reach his climax at the expense of his partner’s satisfaction. Lack of foreplay and poor bedroom hygiene also contribute to bad sex. But it could also be that the woman does not think highly of sexual intercourse. According to Watson, these factors create friction in your relationship.

What you need to address

Inadequacy

Men who feel inadequate in the bedroom often assume it is because their genitals are too small. On the other hand, women who feel sexually unwanted fear their physical appearance is not appealing. In an age where private parts are used as a weapon of attack on womanhood, they may be afraid that they are not well-toned, or are abnormally elastic down there.  This is more common if they catch their partners cheating. These fears ultimately degenerate into feelings of being sexually unwanted.  “Both men and women want to feel wanted and desired especially in the bedroom.  Absence stems a fear that they are no longer attractive. This leads to doubts about their prowess and performance in the bedroom,” says family therapist Lawrence Kibiru.

Rekindling the flames

If you are reeling from past unpleasant sexual experiences in your relationship such as lame performance, psychologist Dr. Chris Hart says start by thinking about the times in your past when you enjoyed sex with your partner. "Imagine things you might do in the future. Revisit places you went when sex was steamy between the two of you. You’ll soon start getting interested again," he says. Additionally, have an agreeable bedtime routine when you can both tuck in bed. “Learn to sleep naked and cuddle a lot because couples who do are far less likely to have problems with intimacy,” he says.

Does he want it more than you?

Couples who feel they’re getting enough sex are usually happy with their partners. Dr. Hart says those who feel they’re not getting enough sex within their relationships are more likely to start watching pornography or to stray. Contrary to popular belief, not all men want sex more than women. “This means you should both strive to prioritise each other’s sexual needs with time, energy and money,” says Watson. Cultivate a receptive desire to say yes to your partner’s sexual advances even when you’re not in the mood and let your arousal spark the desire. One of the reasons you might have had problems with the frequency in your sex life could be due to the kind of sex you have been having. “For many women, the problem is they are not satisfied with the sex they are having and will very likely avoid it altogether,” says Dr. Deborah Anapol, a relationship coach and the author of The Seven Natural Laws of Love.

The morning after

Your sexual activities should not be bygones once they occur.  Use them as learning tools to improve your experiences or ignite your mood.  For example, talking about sex is nearly as enticing as having sex, and men like such conversations. “Make it a point to talk about your last experience, especially the morning after,” Watson says.

Keep selfishness at bay

Berit Brogaard, the author of On Romantic Love says do not act selfishly during intercourse. One partner should not feel they are always doing the hard tasks. “There are styles that are selfish and men-oriented in the way they are publicised. Avoid them if you don’t want to end up feeling unappreciated,” she says.