'She wanted a soft life and dumped me': How we overcame first heartbreak

Navigating the aftermath of a first heartbreak can be a transformative experience that reshapes one's entire reality in profound and unexpected ways. When first love shatters, the emotional turmoil feels like an insurmountable mountain—a landscape of pain that seems impossible to traverse. Many young people face similar struggles, wrestling with the complex pressures of modern relationships and the weight of societal expectations.

The prevalence of such experiences is undeniable, with countless stories of heartbreak and recovery circulating among friends and echoing across social media platforms. The instability one feels after a breakup reflects a deeper uncertainty—a challenging terrain of emotional landscape where moving forward feels both daunting and essential.

Yet, within this vulnerability lies remarkable resilience. Through unwavering support from friends, understanding family members, and a commitment to personal growth, many of us overcome the seemingly insurmountable damage of our first heartbreak. We emerge not just survivors, but transformed individuals—stronger, more self-aware, and fundamentally changed.

Sandra Akello Angira, 29, is a professional high fashion modelling agent and a hair stylist, as well as an upcoming fashion and game designer.

My first love happened after I finished high school in 2014 at the age of 19. Growing up with very strict parents, I was only allowed to talk to boys after high school, so once I finished my national exams, I felt free. I started exploring things I had never done before, like attending events, where I also joined a group and acted in set books. It was at one of these events where I met a guy that I started dating. We were in the same group, and we would go to events together to perform.

During the December holiday in 2015, I went home and started feeling really sick. After a few weeks, I found out I was pregnant. When I told the guy, he denied the pregnancy, saying he was too young to be a father. He even started dating another girl to distance himself from me. Back at home, my dad was furious.

He didn't want to see me, and things just got worse. My parents couldn't support me, and everything felt like it was falling apart. My mother took me to our rural home to stay with my grandmother because my dad refused to help. Since then, I've never spoken to my dad. That experience left me scarred, and I haven't been able to trust or believe in love. It was a chaotic and painful chapter in my life, becoming a mother at the age of 20.

After four years, I got into another relationship. This was in 2019, and the transition was good at first because everything went smoothly. We'd been together for the past three years, and I also had my second child with him. Living with him was fine initially. He was supportive and became my best friend.

However, problems started when we both lost our jobs. I managed to secure a job first, which made him feel pressured or inadequate. He began to change, becoming emotionally and verbally abusive. It got chaotic, and I decided I couldn't endure it anymore. I spoke to my mother, and she advised me to leave him.

This second breakup left me depressed, and I didn't tell anyone. It really damaged me. I even felt like giving up. Hearing my baby cry, I felt helpless and isolated myself from everyone. I didn't want to talk to anyone, not even my mother, despite living with her. I felt completely alone and didn't want any advice or help.

This experience messed me up because I couldn't do the things I was supposed to at my age. I had to start doing things I hadn't planned for, like being a parent. I just had to learn how to handle it all on my own.

My mother has been very supportive and is still supporting me. She's a teacher, and I'm so grateful for her. My dad has been there, but not as much. I feel like he hasn't fully accepted me. Sometimes he calls, and we talk, but we haven't been in touch much. He and my mother separated five years ago.

I realised that I'm no longer a child but an adult. I started praying more, as my mother advised, and kept working hard. Prayer and self-encouragement have been my main supports. I've had many guys show interest in me, but I'm not ready for a relationship yet. After my last breakup, I learned to be more outspoken and not let people take advantage of me. This has been a big step forward for me.

If something happens now, I speak up about it. However, I'm still figuring out how to express myself fully. After this second breakup, I started modeling in March 2022. I'm trying to be strong for my children, focusing on moving forward. It's really deep for me right now. I can't involve myself in any relationship because I don't feel like there's a good man out there for me. I'm not ready for a relationship anytime soon.

Christopher Ace, 25, is a digital marketer specialising in email and search engine optimisation.

My first serious relationship started in 2020 and ended in 2021 when I was 22 years old. Girls seemed more mature and knew what they wanted, while guys were still figuring things out. After a year together, we planned a Valentine's dinner on 14 February 2021. However, when I called her, a guy answered. She told me she had been seeing someone else for the last two years of our relationship.

She said I couldn't provide for her and wasn't stable enough to take care of her, so she started seeing another guy who could support her financially. I couldn't handle this, and we ended the relationship. She cheated on me, which was devastating.

This experience made me realise that relationships can be transactional, and the one who offers more often wins. It was a tough time, especially since she was pregnant with the other guy's child.

After the breakup, I went through a phase of isolation where my self-confidence dropped, and I didn't believe in myself. I thought that anything good that came to me could be taken away by someone better. The heartbreak closed my heart. I don't think I'll ever open up as much as I did before.

After the breakdown, I had to convince myself that I am worthy and capable. I don't need to chase the wrong people; I just need to stick to what is meant for me. I started social media marketing and search engine optimisation for different platforms. Most of the time I engage in socials dealing with fashion and food.

I'm now focusing on things that make me happy and are of value. Relationships aren't a priority for me right now. I joined modelling in 2020 and appeared on runways as my first debut in 2022. Being around and dealing with models has empowered me to stay away from relationships. I get friends and people with the same goal without having to involve emotional attachment, which is my biggest fear. Our instincts are wired for survival, and I think mine just shut down. I'm not open to being in another relationship because if it ends the same way, I'd rather not start it at all.

I have decided to stay out of relationships for now. Maybe when I'm more successful and can provide everything a partner wants, I'll reconsider. Growing up, I was a jolly, playful, and talkative person, but this experience turned me into someone more closed off. I'm now more focused and less social, especially when it comes to relationships.

I'd say the breakup shaped me into the man I am today. I think it's necessary for every guy to experience a good heartbreak to help him focus on what's important. From what happened, I now know what's important. Right now, it's not the time to invest in relationships. It's time to chase my dreams and goals, and that's what I'm focusing on.

Auma Claudiah, 25, is an intern at Kenyatta National Hospital in the Project Management sector at the Administration block

My first relationship began in 2016 when I was in high school, after knowing the guy for six years. In 2019, I moved to Nyeri for university while he stayed in Nairobi for work. We stayed in touch and met occasionally. One weekend, I visited him and we spent time together. I was shocked when he told me I couldn't stay because his sister was coming, even though the sister lived elsewhere.

I had to leave, unaware that he was living with another woman. His sister later revealed that he had been living with the new girlfriend since I started university. We broke up when I saw them together at his sister's place. I had stayed there to process my heartbreak, and it became clear he had been hiding the truth from me. This came to an end in 2020.

The breakup really affected me. This was the first guy I ever dated, and I had just started university, where I had more freedom to make my own choices. I couldn't concentrate or focus on my studies because I was heartbroken. Unlike others who might have dated in high school, I had never been in a relationship before.

This was my first experience, and it hurt deeply. I kept blaming myself for letting him break my heart. To cope, I started hanging out with friends who partied and did drugs. This led me to abuse drugs as a way to forget the pain and not blame myself too much.

I became a party regular. I went to every party, whether it was a house party or an event outside. There was always alcohol, and university was the first time I saw marijuana. Meeting this group introduced me to it and at that time, it seemed to help because getting high made me forget my problems. I didn't think clearly.

This experience challenged my views on love and trust. It made me realise how vulnerable I was and how much I needed to protect myself. It was a tough lesson, but it changed how I approach relationships.

I did move on and met someone else. But in these new relationships, I didn't see them as long-term. They were just for fun. I didn't put myself out there for serious love because I didn't feel like I was good enough. University gave everyone the freedom to do what they wanted, so I was open to options.

If someone wanted to be with someone else, that was fine with me. I didn't commit deeply to these relationships. My focus was on improving myself so that when I was ready for a serious, mutual, long-term relationship, it would be valuable and worth it for both of us.

It made me more cautious. I can't fully commit to someone unless it's mutual. Long-distance relationships don't work for me because they make me insecure. I realised it's okay to have options. The girl he chose was better in many ways; she had a good job, earned well, and had a nice body. I accepted that it's okay for someone to have options. I'll always work on myself and make sure my strengths outweigh my weaknesses.

Love is a beautiful thing, and it's okay for someone to have options and new experiences. Just be clear from the start. If you're going to commit to loving someone, do it truly and sincerely. Don't take it lightly. I feel ready for a committed relationship now. I just need to find my Mr. Right. You meet a lot of people along the way, but you know when you find the right one. I'm ready to experience real love, not one-sided love. I want a mutual, reciprocated love that feels genuine and fulfilling.

Lewis Moracha, 25, is a student at Kibabi University pursuing a Bachelor of Commerce, accounting option.

I was in a relationship for about four years, which ended two months ago. We did many things together, like going out and enjoying typical relationship activities. However, I found out that my girlfriend had been dating another man for the last two years.

I discovered this by looking through her phone, and I was shocked because I had no idea what was going on. In her defense, she called off the relationship saying that I wasn't providing enough for her. She said I was not responsible and she wanted a "soft life" with someone who had money. She had been waiting for the right moment to end the relationship with me.

This heartbreak had a significant impact on my academics, concentration, and emotional well-being. I found it hard to focus on my studies and wasn't keeping up with my meals, which affected my overall health. My friends were a great source of support during this time. They encouraged me and helped me see that I could get through this difficult period.

Despite their support, I struggled to concentrate on my studies and revision. I was constantly trying to forget the pain, but it wasn't easy. To cope with the heartbreak, I relied heavily on my friends' encouragement and support.

They reminded me of my worth and helped me stay focused on my goals. Keeping busy and focusing on my studies and other activities helped distract me from the pain. I learned to take things one day at a time and not rush the healing process. I also started to focus more on self-care, making sure to eat properly and get enough rest. Over time, I began to regain my confidence and belief in myself.

This experience has taught me to be more cautious in relationships and to prioritise my own well-being. While it was a tough lesson, it has made me stronger and more focused on my dreams and goals. I now know that I can overcome challenges and that I have the support of my friends to help me through difficult times.

I'm still not fully recovered from the relationship. I've noticed that I haven't approached any woman for the past two months. This is a new behaviour for me, and it shows how cautious I have become.

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