Manual on how to evade femme fatales

Laughter is balm for a sore soul. And this piece is for brothers caught between a sexually nefarious boss babe and a pink slip, (which is coupled with an orange jumpsuit). FYI, fellas. Remember the twisted situation between Joseph and Potiphar's wife? That's where this lighthearted manual is derived. Although it happened circa 1670 BC, the lessons will be applicable way past 2670 AD.

Be clothed appropriately

As a male victim of false accusations of a sexual nature, never leave a shirt or even your smell in a “scene of crime”. Or else? Anything will be used against you, by all and sundry.

Picture this. What if Joseph was wearing what we Luos call apiel nadi? Man, he would have evaded that “grab-and-smash” trap, fully clothed, without leaving a flimsy Made-in-China shirt to incriminate him.

Every man who has worn an apiel nadi knows it's virtually unremovable, especially when legions of ascaris lumbricoides are hungrily playing ohangla in your tummy. Apiel nadi is my proud peeps’ humorous nickname for overalls or dungarees. It means, “Hey, how in the world will I poop?”

Takeaway: When a brother is clothed in an incorruptible garment of fairness - (which should be his default setting) - no weapon fashioned against him shall prosper. Amen?

Tap into your inner child

Tag is a game as old as the Bible. Which means that, at some point in his life, Joseph must have played it or its variation.

Here's my hypothesis. When Joseph's brothers chucked him in the pit, he must have thought boys were just being boys, and they were playing tag. It only dawned on pop's favourite child that his big dreams and multicoloured shirt had done him in, when his big bros pawned off his Hebrew hide.

And here's what I'm driving at. How hard was it for a Crocs-wearing fit-as-a-fiddle 17-year-old Holy Joe to bob and weave the lewd lurches of a middle-aged she-devil dressed in seven-inch Christian Louboutin stilettos? Eh? Joseph should have ducked between furniture, posts and pillars and - if the witch mounted her broom - somersaulted off pyramids. Easy, right?

Takeaway: It's not always that complicated. Sometimes child's play can solve adult problems.

Mind your food

It's backstory time. When the Israelites were exodusing, “withdrawal symptoms” knackered them. They berated Moses to return them to Egypt where there were, in their own words, smoking … sorry, stuffing down tons of garlic.

Yup. Allium sativum is one helluva drug!

If only Joseph had been addicted to garlic, his bad breath would have repulsed the sexual advances. But then again, who knows, Maybe Potiphar's wife had a fetish for hunks with halitosis.

Takeaway: “The food that enters the mind must be watched as closely as the food that enters the body.” Pat Buchanan.

Dignity versus damnation

This, too, calls for a little backstory. Circa 1000 BC. David is both fugitive and king-in-waiting. The Philistines are after his head. He's with Abimelech, King of Gath. To avoid being recognised by Goliath's kin, David feigns insanity. He scratches the city gate and lets saliva run down his beard.

Long backstory short? David survived. Albeit, temporarily, at the expense of his dignity. If Joseph literally pulled an insane stunt, his false accuser would have avoided him like he harboured the 10 plagues.

“But, Josaya,” the devil's advocate shoots a trick question; “what if my client was bonkers and had a thing for men who were, literally, stark raving mad?”

This is a tap-the-side-of-the-head moment, counsel. It's a no-brainer. Plaintiffs and defendants must always revert to the default setting. Which is fairness in fine and foul weather.

Takeaway: Sometimes when hot number two hits the fan, a man will be forced - for sanity's sake - to temporarily toss his dignity out of the back window, so his consecrated crib can remain undefiled.