Secrets of our 50-year marriage and love in our 70s

When we leave for Ngarariga Village, county about 40 kilometres from Nairobi, I cannot help but consider a disclaimer I received while planning this visit. We will not make it in good time, I think. We send our apologies, as is standard for good journalism.

Alfred John Kibatha, 81, is a stickler for time. His life is dictated by the clock to a fault. He accounts for every moment and keeps a book for records—just in case he needs to refresh his memory. You cannot fault him for his decorous nature; he spent his youth working in storekeeping for Bata Shoe Company. He has not known any other life than being highly attentive and meticulous about details. We arrive later than expected and find him sitting on a chair next to a window, his right elbow resting on the mantel. He presents the image of a man in control of his affairs. His face is regal, but his smile is warm and inviting. He is surrounded by books and dog-eared newspapers, yellowing in age. He fills crossword puzzles as a hobby and has done that for decades.

His gait is as straight as a ramrod when he stands to walk to the kitchen to take the pods of horn melon he has just finished eating as part of his routine midmorning snack. He is quite agile for a man his age. Later, in the interview, he attributes this to diet and a stress-free life. He is standing behind a white-finished rosewood window when he quickly tells me that he imported it while working for a logistics company in Mombasa. Life for Alfred is about details.

A few moments later, his wife, Mary Theru Kibatha, shows up. Alfred turns back, and his eyes glow in admiration. He is genuinely happy to see his wife, who doesn’t waste a moment in paying back the smile to Alfred. They enjoy each other’s company and presence.

“This is my wife, and she is educated and industrious,” says Alfred, an indictment to love, an ode to the commitment to each other they have shared for the last 50 years, or if we are being exact—according to Mary, 49 years, 11 months, and 24 days.

When we sit down for the interview, Mary switches off the transistor radio next to her and tells Alfred that they will listen to the news in about an hour. He nods in agreement. Alfred cues Mary to introduce herself even though he’d already done so. He looks at her again, and you can see the fondness with which he looks at her. You can’t stereotype them as your typical old couple living together because of circumstances. They wear their love on their sleeves, and you see it in the small gestures they exchange and how they complete each other’s sentences.

Their meeting was an act of bravery from Alfred. He was at the top of his career and had ascended to a managerial position. Theirs was love at first sight.

“One day, her brother, George Mungai, told me that he had a sister at home who he’d want to introduce me to. I was his supervisor at work, and he talked highly of his sister,” he tells Nation Lifestyle.

He was about 30 years old then, and with his career and life doing well, he felt he was ready for a relationship that would lead to marriage.

“I saw them drive into my father’s compound one day with my brother,” Mary says.

He was the only man with a car in that village. A Ford Escort 100.

Alfred was introduced to Mary by George—an archetypal way through which people met their future spouses those days. Mary worked as a secretary at the Anglican Church at Redhill. Their connection was instant, and what had started as a casual introduction would soon blossom into a fully-fledged relationship with plans to get married.

“Her family was very cordial to me. I remember her mother telling me that she’d taken me in as one of her children. That announced my arrival in their family,” says Alfred as they both giggle. Mary was attracted to his seriousness and show of commitment.

“Not very many young career men showed the boldness he showed while declaring his intentions especially to my parents. I considered that a good sign. Additionally, he was not intimidated by my level of education or that I was in a career like many men at that time would be. To start a relationship or marriage when one partner is insecure is the easiest way of walking right into endless conflicts. You will always quarrel, and I didn’t want that,” she says.

Mary’s mother was ailing. “Her mother had been suffering from cancer. She asked me to quicken the process and get married. With her failing health, she feared she would not live to see our wedding, which she so much desired to see. His next headache would be funding their wedding.

One year after they met, they got married on March 1975.

“Planning a wedding in 1975 was no small feat, especially for a young couple at the onset of their working lives like we were. I was determined to provide Mary with a meaningful and memorable wedding. I did not doubt that I wanted to marry her, though I didn’t have enough money to afford the ceremony we wanted. I had to make a sacrifice,” he says.

The selfless decision Alfred made was to sell his first car, a beloved Ford Escort 100, to fund the wedding.

"I can't remember how much I bought it for, but I sold it at Sh8,000. That car meant a lot to me, but starting our marriage on a strong foundation meant even more," he says. “Besides, I have taught myself that material possessions are just that. You can’t build your life around such things. It is a fleeting," he says.

“I knew that decision wasn’t easy for him. But it proved to me that what I thought about him was right. He is a man whose word can be relied on,” Mary says. They tied the knot in a white wedding held on the first day of March 1975 at A.C.K Redhill Church and moved to Ngarariga to start a family.

Their ceremony was colourful if the photos that they have held on for the last 50 years are anything to go by; Mary wore a white ball gown, a matching veil tucked under a pearl emblazoned tiara with accompanying white shoes. Alfred had a fitting herringbone-patterned brown suit, a white shirt, a matching tie that he wore during this interview, and black shoes.

Their album was the first thing they showed us when we got to their home. It is a relic they have held on to for five decades. What’s more, they will tell you the names of each of the men, women, and children in the bridal party and how they are related to them.

Alfred and Mary built a home in which they raised four children: a son and three daughters. The house is calibrated by different pieces of them. A photo here, a lanyard from a conference one of their daughters attended in the UK. They are proud parents, you can tell, and these elements remind them of the days when their nest was full. The two live alone.

They spend most of their days together, Alfred seated next to the main entrance with Mary to his left. Every 10am without fail, they will sit and have their midmorning tea and snacks while they chat.

“We never run out of stories to tell each other. I think that after loving and living together for 50 years, you transform your relationship and marriage into a strong friendship. We will sit here for hours as we take our tea, and many a times, we don’t notice that time is passing,” Mary says.

They are staunch Christians and have raised their children in the same faith. When they did their wedding, Mary transferred from her Redhill Church to the Ngarariga Church, Alfred, a member of the Presbyterian Church of East Africa, followed her and became a member of the Anglican Church for years.

I asked him why he was the one to change churches, to which he asked, Why not? Most men would demand, or it seems automatic that, when a couple gets married, the woman should align everything with the man’s, including which church to attend. He doesn’t think it makes much of a difference on who goes where.

“God can be worshipped from any church. Joining my wife’s church didn’t take anything from me. If anything, it gave our children a solid foundation of faith," he says.

Challenging Times

In those formative years of their marriage, Alfred went to work in Mombasa. “That was a challenging time at first. Distance is difficult, especially when raising young children. Those days, we didn’t have phones where you could update your partner on the goings on in the home. You had to wait until they came back to bring them up to speed. As a woman, one is expected to nurture and raise kids without complaining—and I am not complaining, I am just saying couples living together is the most ideal thing for a marriage regardless of the stage, but the need is more pronounced when the children are young. A little help in the home goes a long way,” says Mary.

Alfred offers that when couples find themselves in such situations, they must talk about it. “Agree and find solutions to easing the burden when a partner feels they are overwhelmed. As men, we have a weakness, we think that helping your spouse out emasculates you. That ancient way of thinking is what leads to fatigue and unnecessary troubles that can rock marriages. Marriage is a partnership; when you treat it as such, you understand each other better, and you give empathy a chance. Neither of you is a slave nor a master of the other. When pain points are addressed, couples can live a better, happier, and more fulfilled life.”

Cancer

Sometime in December 2022, Mary was diagnosed with breast cancer. This is a turbulence that shook not just Alfred, but the whole family to the core.

“By the time this was happening, all our children had left. I was, therefore, in the eye of the storm. Disease can devastate you. A disease like cancer is even scarier. Remember, she had lost her mother years back to the same disease; our worry was justifiable. Besides, I think they say that when you grow older, your immunity goes down,” he says.

A year of medication, hospital visits, and finally a mastectomy drained the family in every aspect you’d think of. It took a toll on Alfred, seeing his life partner and best friend go through pain, and there wasn’t anything he could do.

“That season of our lives reminded us to depend on God. There is what medicine and science can do, and then there’s only what God can do. When you do all you can, you can only depend on God to do what only He can,” he says.

In 2024, Mary was declared cancer-free. “She is now healed!” Alfred rises from his seat to emphasise this. “She is completely healed.” It is evident from this overtly expressed gratitude that the healing is a sigh he’d waited to let out for the period Mary was unwell. Mary lights up when she talks about her victory over breast cancer.

“This thing is bad. It comes with excruciating pain and great discomfort. I am happy and grateful to God I overcame,” she says.

As Mary was fighting her battle, Alfred took up chores he hadn’t been doing for a long time. “You see this shirt I am wearing, I am the one who washed it. He says with great pride. When my wife fell ill, she was unable to do it for me (she insists on tending to the homestead), so naturally, I took up that role. I still wash my shirts, and as you can see, I am good at it, aren’t I?”

They keep goats and till their land with youthful energy. Mary makes their meals while Alfred helps around. Even when they don’t say it, they keep reminding you that they love each other, and they are still saying I do, 50 years later.

What have these 50 years taught them?

Honesty. “Only the honest are free,” Alfred says. “When getting into it, purpose to be honest with your spouse. Have nothing to hide. Dishonesty is like a prison you willingly walk into, and every day, you keep going deeper. My wife and I have no secrets between us. It may sound very simple, but it is a huge part of our happy life. We talk about everything—even the difficult things. It frees us from lies and dishonesties that can harm our relationship.”

This honesty includes the money they have.

Mary manages all the money we have, and she has for a long time.

"I don’t see why I should hide details about the money we make. After all, all we work for is family. Why then would I be uncomfortable sharing these details?" he says.

“I must add this, this is how we have done it, it is not a model of how everyone should do it. What works for one couple might not work for another. The most important thing is to look at what can work for you early enough and go with it,” Mary adds.

Respect each other’s views and take on things

After years of being a member of the Anglican Church of Kenya, Alfred went back to his old church, the Presbyterian Church of East Africa. I asked him if this brought any conflict between them.

“No. Like we said earlier, we believe in God, and whichever place we worship Him from, He hears us. Every Sunday, I attend the English Service in my church while she attends hers, and then we come back here in time to have our routine 10am tea and snacks. The problem with many people is that they amplify minor issues. When you respect that, you can go to different churches and return to the same house without finding or creating non-existent issues, and you will live happier lives," he says.

Just before we leave, Alfred asks to pray for us. Everyone who visits their homestead is prayed for when they are about to leave. “God is the center of everything. He is the source. We will celebrate those 50 years because God has kept us. We can easily say our biggest secret to success is God,” he says.

Their strongest show of affection? I ask.

"Acts of service. We serve each other, food, run errands for each other," he says.

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