Are you punishing your child instead of disciplining them?

For millennials and older generations growing up, discipline was synonymous with physical pain. Depending on the magnitude of the offence, this pain would be inflicted in the form of a hot slap, pinches or thorough caning. The audacity to cry was cue for more caning.

The script has changed for Gen Z and their younger siblings as parents adopt a more nuanced approach to discipline. The swift slap and scheduled caning have been replaced by constructive criticism, time-out and level-headed conservations on consequences.

Discipline, not punishment

According to Ms Loice Okello, a counselling psychologist, discipline and punishment aren’t just different words for the same action; they serve separate purposes in child development.

“Punishment is meant to correct behaviour that persists after disciplinary measures have been taken. It’s used sparingly and the primary goal is to make such behaviours extinct,” she explains.

“Discipline, however, is part of character building and involves teaching a child the kind of behaviour you expect of them.”

By clarifying these terms, parents can start to see that punishment is a last resort, and ideally, most situations should be handled through thoughtful, constructive discipline.

Loice adds that punishment, even when necessary, should be infrequent, measured, and devoid of violent or abusive actions.

“For instance, parents might take away privileges like screen time or hanging out with friends.”

Caning is not banned, it is how it is done that makes the difference.

“There are times when spanking may be appropriate, but only when done calmly, with the child understanding the reason behind it. Any action done in anger or as a knee-jerk response is not discipline but violence,” Loice cautions.

She notes that some people (especially millennials and older) are going to therapy to deal with childhood trauma that is directly linked to the harsh physical punishment they suffered growing up.

“Violent physical punishment can create lasting emotional scars. Thus, the move towards discipline rather than punishment reflects a deeper understanding of a child’s emotional development.

Instead of acting out of frustration, parents should create structured, consistent responses that help children understand the boundaries of acceptable behaviour.”

Discipline approaches for different ages

Loice explains that younger children, below 10, respond well to a gentle but firm withdrawal of privileges.

If a young child refuses to finish their chores, for example, they could be allowed outside playtime for a shorter duration than usual.

This shows them there are consequences for neglecting responsibilities without entirely withdrawing playtime.

For repeated infractions or severe misbehaviour, punishment can involve the complete removal of privileges to underline the consequences of irresponsibility.

“Discipline should ideally start from a young age. For example, an infant who bites mum’s nipple while breastfeeding can receive a gentle response, like a light spanking, to convey that the action is inappropriate.”

From ages five to 10, children benefit more from discipline measures proportionate to their actions. If they forget their schoolwork, for example, they might lose some screen time that day. The idea is to make sure they understand that their wrong actions have consequences.

“For children between 12 to 17, punishment and discipline are more effective as they can grasp cause and effect. They are also able to identify patterns in their behaviour and correct what is off by themselves.”

Loice points out that reinforcing positive behaviour is equally essential.

“Children crave attention, whether it’s positive or negative. If a child only receives attention for mistakes, they might act out to meet that need for interaction. Acknowledge and celebrate positive actions too.”

Be consistent

When considering disciplinary actions, Loice says that parents should also consider a child’s age and understanding level.

For younger children, who may not fully understand why a particular behaviour is unacceptable, simply removing privileges is often more effective than a harsh punishment.

Discipline for young children should ideally be accompanied by training, providing clear expectations so that children know what is expected rather than being punished for actions they did not understand.

Moreover, the consistency and frequency of discipline are crucial.

Loice explains that unlike the past, when minor mistakes could frequently lead to physical punishment, today’s approach encourages moderation and understanding.

If a child repeatedly ignores expected behaviours, it may signal an underlying issue rather than defiance.

Conditions like Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADHD), autism, or even trauma from abusive experiences can manifest as behavioural challenges that standard discipline might not address effectively.

It is in these cases that professional help may be resorted to; it helps to explain the root of the problem rather than punishing the child.

Privately or in public?

It is important to respect the child’s privacy during disciplining, especially as they grow older. The goal is to guide and correct them, not to shame them into acting right.

Loice emphasises that for older children, especially teenagers, correction should occur in private to avoid embarrassing them.

Public punishment or discipline can harm a child’s self-esteem and trigger resentment or defiance, making the action counterproductive.

For younger children, immediate intervention is often more effective.

Loice suggests non-verbal cues like a firm look or a simple gesture that the child associates with a particular behaviour.

“You don’t have to shout at them. You can quietly redirect them or physically remove them from the situation.”

Understanding a child’s personality is also crucial in determining an effective approach.

Loice says that extroverted children may respond well to temporary isolation as a disciplinary measure, while an introverted child could feel overwhelmed by socially-oriented punishments.

She encourages parents to observe and tailor their disciplinary measures to fit each child’s personality, making them more effective and less emotionally harmful.

Was it an accident?

Accidents are an inevitable part of a child’s learning journey, and it’s crucial to differentiate these from intentional misbehaviour.

When a child accidentally breaks a glass, for instance, Loice advises taking a measured approach.

“If it’s genuinely an accident, a gentle explanation might suffice,” she says.

However, if these accidents become frequent, it might be worth assessing the child’s coordination and understanding rather than simply punishing them repeatedly.

If a child is unintentionally clumsy or forgetful, constant punishment may foster unnecessary anxiety rather than improved behaviour.

Disciplining children within a family setting often raises the question of consistency between parents.

A unified approach to discipline can help avoid confusing the child or encouraging them to pit one parent against the other.

“When parents share consistent standards and methods, discipline becomes a unified effort,” Loice says, adding that children are quick to identify discrepancies in parental approaches and may try to exploit these differences.

In homes where each parent has a different discipline approach, communication becomes key.

Discussing and agreeing on the standards and consequences of behaviour with a child present can help reinforce the message that discipline is fair and consistent, regardless of who is implementing it. This consistency teaches the child that boundaries remain stable, creating a sense of security.

The traditional view of discipline, which often involves physical punishment, is giving way to approaches that foster communication and empathy between parents and children.

“Violence is never discipline, and parents should be aware of this difference,” Loice warns.

The change in parenting styles mirrors a broader cultural shift where children are seen not only as subjects to be shaped but as individuals deserving of respect.

Ultimately, effective discipline stems from a balanced approach that combines correction with empathy, tailored to a child’s age, personality, and circumstances. The reward is well-adjusted, responsible children who respect boundaries out of understanding rather than fear.

Discipline isn’t about retribution but education, and with the right methods, parents can guide their children towards growth while maintaining a strong and respectful relationship.

Do parents agree with what the experts say?

Jayne Nalianya, a mother of two—a university student and a Grade 3 pupil—seems to agree as she believes that discipline is about teaching responsibility, fostering self-control, and helping children differentiate between right and wrong.

"In my home, I use the withdrawal method as a form of discipline," she explains.

"For instance, if my Grade 3 daughter hasn’t completed her homework, I’ll take away privileges like using her iPad or watching TV."

However, dealing with her elder child presents a different challenge. With her, Jayne tries to have a conversation on the issue, seek advice from trusted friends and divine interventions through prayer.

“When she was younger, I used to spank her, but that approach doesn’t work now. I focus more on talking and advising her,” Jayne says.

Unlike her own childhood, where punishments often involved physical discipline, Jayne has consciously chosen a different path.

“This is a different generation,” she reflects. “You can’t rely on harsh punishments anymore. Instead, you need to discipline through understanding and communication.”

Counter-productive discipline

Jayne is also mindful of the words she uses around her children.

“Because I believe life is spiritual, I avoid labels and negative words like ‘stubborn’ or ‘rebellious.’ I prefer using positive affirmations to build them up,” she says.

She strongly opposes physical punishment, believing it to be counterproductive.

“Beating a child only makes them more rebellious and agitated. It’s better to talk to them, understand their feelings, and figure out why they’re acting out before jumping to conclusions,” she advises.

On the other hand, Stephen Okoth, a father of three, also believes in discipline over punishment.

"Punishment can be harsh and shouldn’t be used often," he says.

Like Jayne, Stephen uses the withdrawal method and withholds treats or leisure activities like gaming when they misbehave.

“This helps them realise they’ve veered off the right path and encourages them to correct their behaviour.” Stephen emphasises the importance of communication in parenting.

"Talking to your children allows you to understand their feelings and motivations. It’s through open dialogue that you can address the root of their behaviour and guide them effectively," he says.

wonyando@ke.nationmedia.com