Break the silence for your marriage to thrive

There is a conspiracy of silence out here. The marriage veterans paint the union in soft, rosy hues but studiously avoid mentioning the downside if the marriage comes crumbling down. None of us ever walks down that aisle thinking, or preparing for when the marriage might fail, even though a nationwide survey by Saturday Nation revealed that only 40 per cent of married people in Kenya were happily married.

The conspiracy of silence is perpetuated by us who wear masks for the public, but privately, we are living extremely unhealthy relationships. Instead of pointing out a crisis and calling for help, we ride dead horses and transfer the cycles of dysfunctionalities and traumas of betrayal to our children, to continue the trends, blindly navigating abuse instead of building whole individuals and communities.

That said, you cannot go through a marriage and emerge unscathed, especially if your values clash. Men and women are already diametrically different. Compound this with the differences in their family of origin, world views, experiences and socialisations, and you have two options for a couple. They will have an intensely interesting marriage or a dramatic trauma bonding experience. The choice remains with them. How capable is each individual in the union of unlearning?

Marriage is beautiful in the beginning. You know, back when he texted you, “Good morning, beautiful,” you replied with six heart emojis and a selfie in soft lighting. Fast forward five years, and the good mornings disappear, only to be replaced with “Come with diapers.” Ten years into marriage, if the couple puts no effort into strengthening their union or only one is busy ‘fighting for the marriage, a ‘Carol’ will persistently appear on his dial list. That marriage will be as good as buried.

Then comes divorce, a word that sounds like it should be said in a hushed tone, like we do with a spinach smoothie, tasteless yet healthy. Divorce does not just end a marriage. It rips your soul out through your bank account and sets it on fire with legal fees. Amicable? Only in the dictionary.

Dating after divorce is like re-entering society after surviving a cult. You are out, but you are never quite free. You go on a date, and they ask, “What are you looking for?” And you want to say, “Someone who won’t hit me, rob me, gaslight me.” But you know this will freak out your dates, so you smile and say, “Oh, just seeing where things go.” When things start to get serious, you get paranoid. You develop a commitment phobia and wonder why you ever imagined you were ready to date. “Wasn’t there a statistic about single women being much happier and living longer than married ones?” You ask your therapist, who has been nudging you to go out and test your healthy relationship tools.

Divorce might scar you, but it also gives you a superpower. You come out of it wiser, sharper, and more resilient than you ever thought possible. You learn to love yourself more fiercely. You learn to choose better, starting with yourself. You learn to mention the D word without stigma, because you now know that wearing masks is a form of passive aggression. Screaming for help, telling the world that you are drowning, will save your marriage more than silently battling denial and shame. There is nothing shameful about falling or failing in any aspect of our lives, marriage included.

In my Divorce Care group, we call ourselves warriors. The core focus is on healing, self-love, and forgiveness. You can easily distinguish those who have gone through the whole ‘warrior training’ routine from those who have not. When you first join the group, you feel and look small, are often weepy, and engulfed in self-pity. By the time you graduate, you have joy bubbling back into your soul; you pray for your ex-spouse and wish them healing.

The best outcome that we all aspire to is to join the Generals. These are healed soldiers who remarry from a scarred past, but healed and better equipped to navigate a second marriage. They share their journeys, and we all learn one thing – marriage is a beautiful, mysterious and spiritual gift. But you cannot trifle with it because it is fragile, just like life. Some practices will build a great, fulfilling marriage or cause you endless grief in your marriage. And yes, marriage is like a house. It needs constant cleaning, airing and beautification to transform it into a warm, beautiful home, full of memories and moments for you and your children.