Christmas poses a massive dilemma for some married people, thanks to the dicey topic of in-laws.
As Christmas carols rent the air and punctuate the different aromas of food being prepared to make the day notable, some people are wrestling with decisions that may define their marriages for years to come.
Should a woman celebrate the day with her biological parents or her matrimonial ones? Can a man have an evening party and even sleep at the home of his wife’s biological parents?
The choice one makes will not be forgotten, especially if one parent side takes offence.
“Yes, it has been an issue several times, where the wife insists that she and the children have to go to her parents’ place to celebrate Christmas Day with her people,” says Jacob Njoroge, who has been married for five years.
“I always insist that we should go to our place because she made the decision that our home is her home and not otherwise. This year, we agreed we visit her parents’ home during the Easter holidays and not on the December holidays,” adds Mr Njoroge, who runs a furniture and bicycle shop in Nairobi’s Ngara with his wife.
It is not a problem limited to Kenya. On December 12, the British publication People reported that a man had been disinvited by his in-laws after he made a decision that did not augur well with his wife’s parents. That man had two events to choose from: a Christmas Eve gathering and a Christmas Day gathering. He decided that he would spend Christmas Eve with his parents and Christmas Day with his wife’s parents. The latter did not take it kindly.
“He argued that it was unreasonable for his in-laws to dictate their plans, especially since they’ve ‘always managed to compromise’ in the past,” the paper wrote.
“You most certainly can choose who you spend holidays with. Going to your family for Christmas Eve and the in-laws on Christmas Day is a perfect compromise. Seeing your in-laws disinvited you, now you can spend both days with your family. Your in-laws made that choice. Your wife needs to stop following in the manipulation,” one reader advised the man.
Another wrote: “I’m going to go out on a limb here and say the wife’s parent(s) is/are manipulative. Shocking, I know. At this point in my life, if someone said this to me, I would spend every single holiday with the other side of the family. It is simply not worth the drama and chaos. Spend time with the people who support you, and believe people when they show you who they are.”
Still in the UK, the Guardian’s Adrian Chiles wrote in 2023 that it gets even more complicated when someone has married siblings and grown children in the mix.
“Venn diagrams, flow charts and spreadsheets flash-crowd my mind. I have worked out that if we go to A on Christmas Eve and are with B on Christmas morning and C in the afternoon, then on Boxing Day D and E can come to join us at C. Bingo! That’s everyone sorted (apart from F and possibly G, who will be very upset and might both have to resort to going to H). It’s Christmas Whac-a-Mole, in which dealing with one problem merely raises another,” he joked.
Sharing his thoughts on the topic, Mr Njoroge said: “I would advise my fellow men to engage their wives when making the decision on where to celebrate the holiday rather than dictating that they should go to (the men’s) homes. They should communicate as a couple and make the decision together without creating unnecessary issues.”
Nation Lifestyle was informed of cases where a wife of many years kept spending Christmas Day with her biological parents and did not see a big deal in snubbing her in-laws until she got a reality check.
We were also informed of a man who would have no qualms about spending a couple of days at his in-laws’ home over Christmas, seeing no big deal in lazing around in pyjamas and all.
In yet another instance, we were informed of a man who drops his wife at her parents’ home every Christmas and then goes back to his home to celebrate the day with his parents.
What should be the ideal way? Nation Lifestyle reached out to Mboya Mulwa, a reverend of the Christ Pilgrim Restoration Centre, a man who has been married since 1993.
“When a lady has agreed to get married, she has agreed to be of the family of the husband. That becomes the first family of concern. When you are going home, that is the family the lady is going to meet,” he says.
“Well, I am not throwing away her parents’ home, but surely if you want to maintain a marriage, there must be an agreement, an understanding that for a lady to get married, you became a member of the husband’s family. You have to go with the wish of the husband’s family so that there is cohesion and oneness. You become part of that family and participate in the affairs of that family."
Regarding men putting up with their in-laws, Mr Mulwa, who has authored five books including one on polygamy, says it is not proper culturally.
“How will a son-in-law be at ease in the in-laws’ home? It is not supposed to be. You are not supposed to be at ease in your in-laws’ home, sleeping there and all. Surely, what does it look like? It should not happen,” he said. “I don’t think it should be encouraged. It doesn’t inspire respect.”
He went on: “A man can go to the in-laws, see them, slaughter a goat, eat that day, and go back in the evening.”
Across the borders, some people have devised a solution to the dilemma by deciding to bring both the wife’s and the husband’s families together.
From online sources, we collected some of the schools of thought to guide married people, especially women, on how to cope with in-laws especially when they feel like they should be at their parents’ homes instead.
One of them, picked from everthinehome.com, tells wives to note that “the holidays (and your marriage) are not about your comfort”.
“They’re really about your commitments: to God, to your husband, and both of your families,” it says.
On the subject of having two families together, families.ie says: “When you decide to bring two (or more if you are very brave) families together on Christmas Day there are a lot of things to consider. Who’s cooking? Who’s bringing the booze? How do you meld the traditions of each family to everybody’s satisfaction? My advice is to immediately abandon any hope of ‘satisfaction’.”
Njoroge Njuguna, a social entrepreneur who lives in Nairobi, said the issue of where to celebrate big days should be agreed upon before they get married.
“Every family has dates when they come together, like January 1, Madaraka, etc. Families don’t get together on the same date. You can agree,” he said.
“Because you have come together, you have to agree. You are not being belittled when you support your wife’s side, added Mr Njuguna, who has been married for 17 years. “ This is something people need not fight about.”
Mercy Njau is a counselling psychologist who works with families among other clients. On the dilemma about which parents’ side is to be incorporated for festivities, she says that it lies on the couple’s relationship more than anything else.
“It’s a very nuanced topic to have a conversation about because there is, number one, the dynamic of the couple. Do they have shared values around their relationship? How do they come to the table when there’s conflict? Do they have a sense of felt safety with each other so that if I raise an issue I’m having, it is not met by defensiveness or stonewalling, or aggression?” she says.
To women who might be in the dilemma, she believes it is too late to have that conversation this year. This is because the precedent set comes into play.
“If in your earlier years you went to your husband’s home, changing it overnight might be difficult. By overnight, I mean it’s already Christmas season. Now is not the time to start saying ‘I wanted to go’ and there was no prior conversation or agreement,” says Ms Njau. “So, you’re not trying to change this overnight this Christmas, but you’re beginning a conversation that could end up how you want for future Christmases.”
She points out that some couples are forging their traditions, with the in-laws out of the picture.
“There are couples now that don’t even go to their parents’ homes over Christmas. They’re beginning their traditions. They have their dinners before Christmas with their parents or after Christmas, or for New Year’s. And then over Christmas, they do their own thing, and they start their tradition,” says Ms Njau.
In case you are stuck in a place you would not have loved to be, Ms Njau advises that you find small joys wherever you can.
“Is there a relative that you like that you can maybe just find a connection with over the Christmas season this year that you can find laughter and some joy even as you consider changing? So, nothing is set in stone, but there is no reason why this Christmas has to be horrible for anyone,” she says.
“It’s already Christmas; so for this 2024 Christmas, I encourage wives wherever you have found yourself, if for some reason you’re not in the space you wanted to be, how do you still guard your peace and even perhaps find ways to enjoy the Christmas even as you think about how you want to spend future Christmases as a family and how you want to have a conversation with your husband,” adds Ms Njau.
