In the quiet hours of the night, when the world is asleep, a unique group of men are wide awake, grappling with the unimaginable task of raising young children alone after the loss of their wives.
These fathers navigate an ocean of grief while balancing diapers, homework, and bedtime stories, revealing an extraordinary resilience and a love that knows no bounds.
Their stories are ones of courage and determination, shining a light on the profound strength found in the most unexpected places.
Content creator and TikToker, Faustine Lipuku Lukale alias Baba Talisha says he faced a life-altering tragedy when his wife, Malkia ( Milka), passed away after a road accident in 2020.
Content creator and TikToker Faustine Lipuku Lukale alias Baba Talisha.
Photo credit: Pool
Her remains were then taken to Kenyatta University Mortuary. She was buried a week later at her ancestral home in Busia. After the accident, their daughter, Talisha suffered a brain injury that led to memory loss. This further affected all her milestones, which retrogressed to zero.
"We had left the house for a photo shoot as a family. It was during the Covid lockdown and curfew was set for 8pm. We were living in Githurai 45 and on that fateful night as we went home just opposite KU gate, we hit some stationary vehicles that had been involved in accidents and stalled on the road, unattended to," he said, trying to control tears.
Baba Talisha, as he is commonly referred to, said the moment is still fresh in his mind.
"I requested her number and I struck up a conversation that led to a blooming relationship months later," he said.
After Milka's passing, Baba Talisha embarked on the challenging journey of single parenthood.
Their daughter, who was two years old then, was in the Intensive Care Unit (ICU), in a coma for 21 days, and her healing has been a tough journey.
"The months that followed were hectic, especially because we had to lay my wife to rest in my daughter's absence as she fought for her life in the ICU.
"Due to Covid restrictions, the hospital visitations were also overwhelming but I got support from friends and strangers that became family to us," he said.
After his daughter was out, there was still much to be done for her to be okay. He had to look for help and some of his family members came through to assist in raising his daughter.
"I had not ever imagined being a single dad. It happened so fast that I still think its a dream," he said.
But despite the financial difficulties, he says all he wanted was for his daughter to pull through.
"Therapy is financially draining especially because it has to be done consistently. We were on occupational, speech and hydrotherapy and we would pay about Sh2,500 per session. For a start, we were required to do five days a week and without a stable income because I was also the sole caregiver it was very overwhelming," he said.
Harun Ngala during an interview at Nation Centre in Nairobi on July 27, 2024.
Photo credit: Bonface Bogita | Nation Media Group
When Harun Ngala, 47, lost his wife Nancy Ngala, of 16 years to blood cancer during the Covid-19 pandemic, his world came to a standstill.
Left to care for their five children alone, including two very young ones, Harun joined the ranks of men who were thrust into single parenthood by tragedy.
Harun's path was shaped by his upbringing in Kibra and his education, which took him to Vihiga for high school before returning to Nairobi.
He took on various casual jobs, from working as a chemist to employment at an ice cream company.
They welcomed their first child in 2000 while still in high school. Three years later, they wed in 2004.
They were blessed with four more children. Their eldest child has since graduated from university and is now working at a pharmaceutical company after studying microbiology.
"It is still a challenge to discuss some issues with them although my elder daughter is helping the other two teenage daughters."
Harun recalls the harrowing journey that began on June 1, 2016, when his wife developed complications with no apparent cause.
"I rushed her to the hospital, where she was diagnosed with a stomach infection and given medication," Harun recounts.
"After three days with no improvement, we sought help at another hospital, which then suggested a chest infection. By 2017, after a year of various tests, doctors finally identified colon cancer at stage two. Emergency surgery was performed to remove the affected tissues, and she emerged strong, living a healthy life afterwards. We believed everything was fine."
However, in 2019, Harun says new complications arose, this time affecting her heart, indicating the cancer had spread.
"We resumed hospital visits, and a biopsy revealed stage four blood cancer. We immediately began chemotherapy treatments," Harun explains.
"We exhausted all three of our insurance cards and had to start borrowing from friends and colleagues, who generously supported us," Harun shares.
Despite the treatments, his wife's condition worsened in 2020.
"One of our daughters was in high school, and despite being so weak, my wife insisted on attending her admission day. Weeks later, the lockdown was imposed, and that was the last month they spent together."
In April 2020, just two weeks into the lockdown, Harun's wife passed away.
"Transporting her body to Western Kenya for burial was a monumental task. Only 15 people were allowed to travel with me from Nairobi. It was both challenging and costly, but we managed to give her a proper burial," Harun recalls.
He says the youngest two children, barely four years old, were too young to comprehend the loss.
Postpartum depression and grieving
Baba Talisha says he experienced depression, compounded by the grief of losing his wife.
"Memories are there. A lot of things had to change and I had to adjust. Grief is the price we pay for true love. I am trying to be the best dad to my daughter. Managing parenthood without her has been challenging. But I try to honour her memory by raising our daughter Talisha the way we both would have wanted," he said.
For Harun, the journey has been incredibly tough. "This year, I finally started finding myself again. For the past four years, I've been in denial, living a confused life and questioning why God allowed this to happen. Now, I'm beginning to release the pain and rebuild myself psychologically," he shares.
During their life together, Harun says he and his wife had acquired properties and planned to build their dream home.
"My wife had returned to school to further her education. She graduated from her hospital bed. I brought her graduation gown to the hospital just days before her death. She was set for a job promotion, but God had other plans," he reflects.
Baba Talisha, says that as much as it is hard, he is grateful for the time he had with Milka.
"Her love continues to guide me every day. For anyone going through something similar, know that it’s okay to grieve, to ask for help, and to take things one day at a time. Parenthood is a journey, and while mine took an unexpected turn, I’m committed to making sure that Talisha grows up surrounded by love and the memory of her mother."
Harun, says the first three months, he received massive support from the church but after that, they never came back.
"My in-laws gave me little support but withdrew. They have lost touch with their children. My children are no longer invited to family meetings," he said.
"I don't know the timeline but someday I will. I am trusting the process. But at the moment my only focus is my daughter and making sure she's okay. I have to be in the right emotional place for me to consider another marriage," he said.
Harun says: "I cannot say never but maybe after my children are a bit older. I tried dating in 2022 but the woman's interest in the relationship was different. I ended the relationship."
Harun's message to dads raising kids alone is heartfelt and practical: "Seek out a counsellor and avoid people who constantly remind you of how many children you’re raising. Socialise, but unless it's a couple's meeting, keep your personal life private. Some people find it strange to be a widower. Be discerning about the type of woman who wants to come into your life. If there was a project you and your spouse were working on together, don’t stress too much about completing it."
Dr Ngala Mwendwa is a consultant paediatrician based in Nairobi.
Photo credit: Pool
From the Expert: Single dads have to rise above traditions
Dr Ngala Mwendwa, a consultant paediatrician based in Nairobi, provides expert advice on balancing work and childcare responsibilities for single fathers.
He notes that one of the biggest challenges is the traditional role of the father as the breadwinner, which often limits his time with the baby.
"Historically, fathers are primarily seen and expected to be breadwinners. So this is where support is important because this father has to go and look for money to buy this formula and to provide for the children.
And that means he's probably not going to be around the baby that much. So support, having somebody to stay with the baby, if it can be a family member, it's good. If you can have a good nanny to do that, that's also good."
"A well-structured routine from three to four months is vital. This includes setting consistent times for waking up, feeding, playtime, and naps. Infants need at least two to three hours of sleep during the day. Without a routine, things can become chaotic, especially by six months, leading to increased stress for the father."
Involving extended family and friends can provide much-needed support. "Engaging family members, like sisters, or hiring a good nanny can make a significant difference. Single fathers must seek help and not try to manage everything alone."
"Routine is key. Fathers should seek psychological support, such as grief therapy, and avoid harmful self-soothing methods like alcohol. Physical activity is also important; even simple activities like nature walks, gym workouts, or group sports can be beneficial. Additionally, joining support groups for men or fathers who have lost their spouses can provide emotional support.”
Addressing the financial burden, he explains the high cost of infant formula in Kenya.
"With limited public milk banks, many fathers must rely on expensive formula, costing up to Sh30,000 per month. We must avoid any cow's milk, including powdered milk because it isn’t fit for infants.
"Men often lack the necessary knowledge as societal expectations traditionally place these responsibilities on women. Educating and supporting fathers in tasks like feeding and changing diapers can help them better manage their new role.
I would recommend kangaroo father care which involves skin-to-skin, which is very important for the baby because it helps with bonding. The first bond is due to a hormone called oxytocin, which is important in calming the baby down."
