My adult male cousin is a bed wetter. How can I help him?

Hi,

I have a male cousin who visits us regularly. However, he wets his bed and pretends that he didn’t make any mess. He then wakes up earlier than us and leaves without cleaning the bedding.

The first time this happened, he stayed away for long before agreeing to visit again. We don't want to make him feel unwanted in our home, but he has a bad habit of ignoring my complaints or any issue that I raise with him pertaining to his behaviour.

My parents have decided to stay out of the matter because they don't know how to handle the situation. Worst of all is that after washing his clothes, he leaves the wet bedsheets uncleaned and comes back to sleep in them.

Kindly advise on how to go about solving the matter.

Hi,

Most people find it hard to believe that grown-ups, too, can wet their beds. Of course, it is usually embarrassing when a grown-up wakes up to find their bed and sheets wet. 

In fact, a good number may be shocked and embarrassed the same way just because they could do nothing about it. Are they happy that they left their bed wet? Of course not! For others, they would not want anyone to know, let alone talk about it. 

I understand when you feel offended by your cousin who also refuses to take responsibility for his actions. I would like you to look at this issue from two perspectives. 

First, you need to look at it from a medical viewpoint. Since I am not an expert in medical issues, I would request that your cousin be encouraged to seek medical attention if the problem persists. 

Second, you need to look at this issue from a social perspective to understand his current reactions. What appears to be of equal importance is the way your cousin has been and is being handled in regards to an embarrassing issue.

How is the way he is being treated impacting his behaviour? How he feels about himself is key to the way he prepares to deal with the problem. 

It is likely that the shame in wetting the sheets, in addition to the way he is being treated, could be overwhelming for your cousin. For example, consider the accompanying shame, embarrassment, fear, and associated low self-esteem that follows. These factors, put together, are enough to discourage him from opening up.

The fact that he leaves and refuses to address the issue at hand is testimony enough of the inner conflict arising from the way he feels about himself.

Maybe his behaviour now could have been worsening over time, depending on how his parents treated him or attempted to help him solve the problem. 

If he was stigmatised when young, his past may need to be addressed. Until your cousin is helped to get his life under control, this situation left unabated could further destroy his self-worth.

As he seeks support on this, here are some simple steps that could help in the mitigation of the situation.

First, let him use a waterproof cover over the mattress and the bottom sheet. This will help keep them dry.

Second, it is possible that bed-wetting will irritate the skin. Therefore, look for cleansing clothes and lotions that he could use to prevent skin irritation.

Third, encourage him to use adult pads to help keep the sheets and blankets dry.

Finally, as you encourage him to avoid drinking a lot of liquids just before bedtime, let him also use the toilet before bedtime. 

The importance of starting right

I am 22 years and two months pregnant. My boyfriend is also 22. I don’t want to get married to someone who's not the father of my child.

***

My five-year relationship ended six months ago. I am trying to reunite us but all I get in return for my efforts are insults. I was her first boyfriend on matters of love. I need to marry her as we know each other better.

What do I do?

Hi,
I have combined my answer to these questions from two different readers because they help us see the importance of starting right in any relationship.

For the first question, I realise that you are two months pregnant with a guy whose stand on your pregnancy you have not clarifies.

Your write-up does not mention whether he will accept to take responsibility or not. If he does, I encourage you not to consider marriage just for the sake of the child.

Marriage must be founded on love, great communication and commitment to each other. If he is non-committal and has moved on, then look for ways of him to support the child. 

Don’t impose yourself on a man who is not ready to be a husband to you and a father to your child. A man who will make a great husband and father will, first, show accountable and responsible behaviour.

Second, he will need to be available and supportive. Third, he must provide guidance on the future on the relationship. Finally, he must be a great team player. 

I do not see why the gentleman in question two is seeking to revive the relationship that ended six months ago.

First, you need to establish what caused the separation. Those differences can and must first be resolved if you are to enter a healthy and quality relationship that will lead to marriage. So, try and sort the issues that led to the break-up. 

Let me caution you that this will only be possible if she agrees with your perspective.

Second, as I said earlier, you cannot force her back to you. She will have to make her informed choice on the matter.

It appears like your biggest bond was sexual in nature. Sex by itself cannot sustain a relationship. My guess is that her insults could be connected to how you treated her earlier on, or in general, how she views you.

Does she see you as a potential husband? Just because you feel like she is fit for you, this feeling may not be reciprocated.

So, as I mentioned to the reader in question one, think twice. Why do you want her back? Does she feel the same about you? How do you deal with the abuses you are receiving from her?

In general, it takes two to make a relationship, and only when the two clearly understand what connects them together.

What connects us together must be stronger than the forces that would want to divide us.

Determine carefully your merger areas because they are the spine that holds the body together.

Ensure this merger area or area of the agreement has things that are core to the two of you. For example, values like respect, friendship, open and free communication are integral in a relationship.

Relationships end for several reasons. In fact, when you get this sick feeling in your stomach or a deep sense that it is over, this is the time to audit your relationship.

Evaluate your communication. Are simple conversations becoming difficult and at times turning into arguments? Are you being ignored or taken for granted?

Each person in a relationship needs to know how to detect these ‘symptoms’ of a relationship that is about to end.

In the end, the way a break up happens will automatically tell you a lot about yourself, the other person, and this way you deal with issues.

If, for example, your partner leaves because there are things that have happened repeatedly and were never resolved, it is important to evaluate the occurrences and craft a joint path towards healing.

This is because unresolved issues left for a long time in a relationship can kill good intentions. Do remember that it is easier to see the other person through the lens of the unresolved issues than through the good intentions that may be projected.

To avoid leading your relationship to fail, consider a few actions;

• First, learn to listen to yourself and to your partner. Don’t be so consumed with yourself and forget to take seriously things your partner says. Watch out for words that are said and actions that are taken. In short, keep your eyes, your ears, and your heart on alert.
• Second, learn to take responsibility by owning up when things go wrong. A relationship where one partner constantly makes excuses for their actions, refuses to take responsibility and instead uses blame and finger-pointing as strategies to find a way out of the issue, is on the verge of collapsing.

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