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How come he always starts fights a few days before my birthday?
You need emotionally mature people to solve issues and misunderstandings, no matter how uncomfortable they are.
Hi Zulu,
I have noticed that my boyfriend has a habit of getting into an argument with me just before my birthday. This year was no different. I celebrated my birthday a few weeks ago, and it was so lonely. He neither called nor texted because we were not speaking to each other. This pattern is in its third year now. What should I do? Should I be dating someone who isn’t there for me when I need him the most?
Dear reader,
First of all, you shouldn't be counting birthdays in a relationship. That's how you lose perspective and waste your seasons. No interview runs for years. A proper relationship is an interview.
That said, nowadays things have changed. People no longer tell you it's over. They just misbehave until you get tired and walk away.
So, if you repeatedly call someone out for the same behaviour or see a conspicuous pattern, get the message. They're saying, 'I'm done with this. But I'm too selfish and cowardly to own up and communicate. I'd rather frustrate you until you do the dirty work of initiating the break-up.'
Do not become so understanding that you stay somewhere you're no longer wanted. When people show you a don't-care attitude, they're communicating something.
Do not argue or plead. Accept and adjust.
It's not your job to educate people on who they should be or how they ought to treat you for the relationship to work. That's too much babysitting.
Your job is to observe people's behaviours, listen to their beliefs, and filter for yourself who gets a ticket to your world. You don't need people who suck your spirit and weigh you down with their constant neediness or intentional unavailability.
You need emotionally mature people to solve issues and misunderstandings, no matter how uncomfortable they are. You need someone who is as emotionally invested as you are. You deserve someone who brings out the softness in you, not the survivor in you.
Stop settling for people who stress you more than they feed you. That's why you're tired. Love yourself more, and interview people without getting emotionally stuck with them. Do not spend years in an entanglement. Analyse people and decide whether they're suitable for marriage.
The fact that you love the person very much is not enough. The question is whether they also want you that much? Avoid drowning in one-sided affections. Never swim to the deep end of love unless the other person is with you every step of the way.
Some people like hanging out with you because you have a good personality or simply for personal motives, but they're not invested in creating a life with you.
Remember, you would rather have nobody than half somebody. When you have nobody, you know where you stand and can plan how to proceed.
But if someone is with you today and tomorrow and they are passive, you're denied clarity and the power to do anything.
If you keep such a person because of your feelings for them or the hope of their changing, you surrender your life's control and clarity. Is that what you want?
Even amid a misunderstanding during your special day, like a birthday, your partner must not be mute if at all they care. Your boyfriend could be looking for ways to end the relationship without confrontation. Respect that. Detach
When people who matter to you choose to be ghosts on your special day, please respect yourself and let ghosts disappear for good. You can't rehabilitate a ghost.
That man already showed you he is there for something else, not love. It's up to you to move quickly and salvage your emotional and psychological well-being.
Decide what kind of relationship you want, invest in relationship coaching, read relationship materials, and follow teachers who teach about love matters.
What about the wasted years? Will you just let them go like that? Isn't there something you can do to make him appreciate you more?
Starting from zero can be scary. But staying when you know you should leave is scarier. It's one thing to realise how much time you lost, and it's another thing to stop any further waste.
Henceforth, you should approach dating as an interview rather than an investment. You should spend your time with a person, learning them and checking if they fit what you seek. It wouldn't take you more than a couple of weeks to make this decision.
You should maintain sexual and emotional boundaries to avoid getting too invested and entangled. It's not easy to remain objective about someone you already like. But if you keep the conversation alive and you bring curiosity rather than impatience to the journey, it'll be easier to remain objective and alert.
