How do I end this toxic relationship?

Hi

I am 28 and in a relationship with a woman in her mid-twenties.  We have been together on and off for a long time because of family interferences and poor communication between us. We keep breaking up and reuniting.

A few years back when I was in college, she cheated on me and got pregnant. After giving birth, she apologised profusely and I took her back. You see, I really loved her.

We continued seeing each other for a while until I suggested we officialise the relationship. I wanted to visit her parents and she agreed to it eagerly. A day before the visit, one of her cousins approached her and told her many bad things about me. Some were outright lies. My girlfriend got upset and she disappeared. I was shocked to learn that she left the country. For one and a half years, I heard nothing from her. After a while, she started talking to me but lied that she was working as a casual in a hair salon. The truth was that she had landed a well-paying job in a hotel after returning to the country.

A few months later, she suggested we visit her parents but I declined. She became furious and we separated again.

After six months, she contacted me again begging that we reconcile. I still loved her so I agreed, even though I didn’t trust her after all that drama. Sometimes I feel like she just wants to take advantage of me because she is a materialistic woman. Recently, I began feeling disconnected to her and haven’t contacted her in four days. Should I end this relationship?

Hi

Someone once asked, “Who can understand the ways of a young man and young maiden?” As much as love is a choice, there are no guarantees in relationships. You have to understand that we are all the product of our upbringing and exposure among many other factors.

 It is clear that as much as you both desire the same thing, your priorities and focus is divided. We cannot say that we love someone and still make the choice to live a lie before them. Love must be dependable, authentic and trustworthy.

When one looks at your relationship, there are too many gaps, secrets and broken promises. This is what it means to build on a cracked foundation. Building on such a foundation is like building on sand.

Read: We no longer talk freely with my husband, please help!

This brings to the centre of our conversation the importance of a values-based relationship where we say what we mean and mean what we say. Double speech or manipulative words and actions have no place in building a healthy relationship. Values like faithfulness and sacrifice must characterise how we relate. For example, for her to leave, be away for years and return without telling you should be a red flag. Is this how you want to live? I don’t think so.

In addition, I am not only surprised by the fact that she feels entitled to walk in and out of your life at her convenience, but also that allows her relatives to interfere with your relationship. It is clear that you have deprived yourself the ability to speak into the relationship. When one partner is unable to voice their opinion on key issues, it means respect is sorely lacking. You will need to dialogue with her on what such actions appear to be a deliberate effort by her to trivialise your voice and contribution. This is more important than the feelings of love.

That said, it is important to acknowledge that feelings by themselves do not make marriage happen the way it was designed to. Happiness is a duo carriage street that applies one action should demand a reciprocal action.

Since the two of you are not yet married, I would strongly suggest that you take time to take an account of your relationship to see what works and what does not. If the things that don’t work are core and they overshadow the good, then you are courting disaster.

Your love memories seem to be based on things that are temporal in as far as relationships are concerned. Indeed she has been good in showing remorse, but as you said, she could be using her love for material possessions to manipulate you into compliance. Let her love you for who you are not for what you have.

Read: I love her, but she is from a different tribe

But, you need to have a clear consciousness determining what it means to love. Your lack of peace is a clear indicator that you need to evaluate your future with this lady. From what you have shared, I really do not see how she fits into the value system you hold and the future you desire. What I see is your desire to be in a relationship where you are valued and respected. This is not the case. My concern is how her treatment of the relationship could lead to a healthy marriage. Your lack of trust robs you of such a marriage. You do not trust her. Therefore, clearly define for yourself whether a future with her is what you want and why.

 You are still young and able to find a great woman who will love, honour and respect you for who you are. You are at a critical moment now of making such a decision without fear. Choose your priorities and let  them guide your actions. Remember, choices carry with them consequences in equal measure. Wrong or hurried through choices can destroy future hopes.

Finally, you will become the sum total of your choices. Therefore, determine to act within you well thought decisions. Choices will determine your future joys and happiness. In addition they are the bedrock of other future decisions and successes.

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