We separated amicably, now my husband wants us to reconcile

Pastor Kitoto,

I broke up with my husband of 15 years a month ago. I made this decision after many attempts to save the marriage but it failed. He asked that we talk but l was not ready to since he had brushed off the need to talk earlier on. He left quietly and later called to thank me for the life we had shared and l thought he had finally agreed to let go.

Now, a month later, he has called to say he is coming back. The problem is that I am not ready for him, if anything, l don’t have any hope of us getting back together. Have I made a rash decision or should I give him yet another chance? 
Zippy

Hi,
No one ever promised that marriage would be easy. In fact, the contrary is true for many marriages. To answer your question, let us tackle it by looking at two questions: First, what gets one or both spouses to this point of no return? We know that although the marriage was meant to bring joy and happiness to those involved, this is not always the case.

Men and women think and process information differently, making the need to reach an amicable solution difficult. This is why conflict resolution is tough for most couples. Some think it takes too much effort, time and other resources. 

A ‘point of no return’ is where one spouse is numb to their partner’s actions, behaviours and feelings. This is a place where we care less or we no longer care—it is as if our feelings towards the other person suddenly die. In most cases, the wounded partner decides never to go back. 

Second, does the point of no return really mean no return? This question is difficult to answer because it depends on the determination of either spouse to go the extra mile. This calls for several things to happen: From the onset, when conflicts and discouragement are common in a relationship, the priority is to examine your patterns of behaviour during such conflicting times.

What are the sources of conflict, what seems to fuel it, and how are we responding to it? Answering such a question is crucial to the establishment of preventive and corrective measures in your relationship. In addition, we need to refuse to take our partners for granted.

Every person is special and gifted differently. One gets to a point of no return where they are not valued, affirmed and loved.
Fifteen years of doing life together carries with it historical and emotional memories that may linger on for a long time. The fear and frustration you feel are common to many other couples that have faced unfaithful practices in their relationships.

Toxic relationships

Toxic relationships simply make us unhappy and make us develop negative attitudes. It is sad that your husband’s lack of follow-through has made things worse over a period of time. Although you have not mentioned the issues you have faced, the pain has blinded you to the extent that you cannot visualise how better things could be. 

Maybe you are lost in the maze of hurt, fear and blame, leaving you with no other alternative but a desire for permanent separation. 
That said, I commend your husband for believing in the marriage and desiring to return. However, this scares you due to the pain experienced in the past. The truth is that we are seeking perfect ways of relating with each other from a platform of imperfection. Knowing this may help you look for ways to deal with the backlog of issues that trigger fear and disappointment. 

My advice, therefore, is that before you completely give up on what you have built for the last 15 years, know that when the reality we face doesn’t match up to the fantasy we have built concerning marriage, it leaves us disillusioned. Until both of you start walking towards re-establishing trust, the desire for connection will continue to experience difficulty.

Trust can only be rebuilt from the realisation that love has to move from being a feeling to an expression of endurance, patience, and perseverance in the midst of perceived betrayal. Let your disappointments lead you to crave a deeper way of relating and deeper conversations that could enable both of you to recommit to something deeper.

The question is no longer whether the two of you are still called to such a mission of love, caring and supporting each other, but whether you are willing to pay the price of inviting someone else to help you on this road. 

First, acknowledge the good you see in your husband—everything can’t have been that bad. Second, share your disappointments and hurts. Third, suggest the need for professional help. For example, what kind of counsellor will both of you be comfortable with? Seek a counsellor both of you will be comfortable confiding in, one that will be insightful and tough with both of you.

Fourth, separation may be an option but not necessarily the right one. Having a counsellor who can dissect the issues and events that caused the pain will help greatly. 

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