Women are essential contributors to social development at the grassroots level.
Imagine leaving your four-month-old baby to travel abroad to further your studies, then coming back to him not recognising that you are his mother.
The mom guilt cycle is never-ending, but to career women who had to swap caregiving for a career, it carries a heavier load.
Nation Lifestyle talks to mothers about the emotional detachment and guilt, coupled with endless questions that swirled through their minds, as they struggled with absentee parenthood.
In 2018, Esther Serem, an engineer, left Kenya for the UK to pursue her Master’s degree. She was pregnant. At eight months, she came back to Kenya, gave birth, and left again when her child was five months old.
She had to stop breastfeeding her son when he was only three months old as she prepared to head back to finish her Master’s degree in the UK. The guilt of weaning a tiny baby off the breast was immense.
“I introduced him to formula when he was two months old and reduced the frequency of breastfeeding until the third month when I stopped completely. Emotionally, it was difficult, I won’t lie, I was a new mom,” she says.
“What helped was that my husband, parents, and in-laws came up with ways to be in my baby’s life despite the distance.”
She would connect with him through WhatsApp videos and audio calls. Her family would send her short video clips of her baby, which helped her see the growth spurts, like him saying ‘mama’, and crawling.
“One of my lecturers also connected me with a group of new mothers who were studying in the UK and had left their children at home. Listening to their stories and how they were coping helped ease the emotional distress,” says Esther.
Esther Serem, a wildlife conservationist and mother of one.
When she came back, she says, she did not have much mom guilt, because she knew her mother had stepped in to take care of her baby in her absence.
Additionally, reassuring words that she was going back to school for the betterment of her child’s future continuously rang in her mind.
“The only ‘rude’ realisation that I battled with was not having my child. I missed breastfeeding and holding him,” she says.
But when her son could not recognise her, she decided to take her away from her mother.
“He would call my mother ‘mum’ so I took him away and the only person he could call mum was me,” she says.
To compensate for lost time, she had to intentionally bond with her young family.
“I ensured that I clocked out of work on time to spend time with him, bond with him, and nurture him,” she says.
For mothers in a similar predicament, Esther advises that it is wise to ensure the children are left with people they trust.
Unlike Esther, who left her child, Mumba Mwansa-Mbewe, a Zambian journalist and communications expert, decided to relocate with her child in 2021 from Lusaka, Zambia, to Nairobi to join her husband. She relocated to maintain her family unit and avoid a long-distance marriage.
“When this transition was happening, our baby was just 11 months old,” she says.
As a result, acclimating to a new country with a newborn made her pause their job search for a year and dedicate her time and energy to motherhood.
“With a newborn, an extra pair of hands is invaluable, affording us moments to tend to ourselves amidst the demands of parenthood. In my homeland, I was blessed with a network of relatives and friends who were always ready to assist with childcare whenever needed.
"However, post-relocation, this support system vanished, leaving only my husband to rely on, who was already balancing his professional responsibilities; I couldn’t burden him further,” she explains.
When her child was “old enough” to be left in a daycare, Mumba says selecting childcare proved to be the most challenging moment, marked by a series of trial-and-error experiences.
Mumba Mbewe, a Zambian journalist who relocated to Nairobi Kenya when her child was only 11 months old. She shares how she had to pause job hunting to care for her child.
“While seeking recommendations from both locals and fellow expatriates was helpful, I soon realised that every parent has their own unique style and beliefs regarding their own child’s upbringing. Hence, I conducted extensive research, visiting multiple childcare centres and consulting trusted sources for recommendations. Ultimately, I relied on my instincts to guide me towards a childcare provider that resonated with my values and catered to the specific needs of my family.”
Although she finally got a good daycare centre, which she felt aligned with her family values, she still wrestled with a mix of concerns and guilt. Would her child feel safe and comfortable in the daycare centre with unfamiliar caregivers? She wondered.
“Additionally, I questioned whether relying on external childcare was the right decision. I was torn between providing for my child’s needs personally and entrusting her to others,” she says.
However, with time, Mumba realised that it was essential to strike a balance between being a mother and meeting the necessary basic needs of her child.
“I maintained open communication with the caregivers, discussing my child’s needs, routines, and any specific concerns I had, which helped build trust and reassurance. Additionally, I reminded myself that feeling guilty is a natural part of navigating new parenting challenges, practising self-compassion, and acknowledging that I was making decisions in the best interest of my child and family.”
Also, Mumba prioritised quality time with her child outside of childcare hours, cherishing moments of connection and bonding.
“Engaging in activities like going to play with her and her being with me for grocery runs and family outings helped strengthen our relationship and provided reassurance that our bond remained strong, despite the time spent apart.”
Resuming work Unlike Esther and Mumba, Mary Immaculate, a customer experience executive, says when resuming work after giving birth, she battled anxiety. Was her child going to be taken care of properly by her house manager?
“Will she be able to handle a four-month baby? Will the child cry too much? Will she (the house help) be able to use the milk I had pumped and even tend to her general well-being?” she wondered.
Luckily for her, her partner was working from home at the time, so he helped keep an eye on the child. This, she says, was a huge relief because she had paranoia from her experience where her first-born daughter was burned by hot water when she was five months old.
At work, Mary would express milk easily as her employer had provided a lactating room and a fridge for storing milk. Despite the support, just like every new mother, Mary was emotionally burdened by being away from her children. She manages her emotions through praying and journaling.
“I affirm myself that I’m the best mom chosen for my children and do video and phone calls throughout the day. My older daughter has my phone number, so she can call me when she is at school. When back home from school, I ask them very direct and engaging questions to get to know more about their day and wellbeing.”
Needless to say, Mary is a firm believer that children are for the community. Therefore, she delegated quite a number of her duties to her trusted close family members. This way, she is not consumed by mom guilt.
To stay emotionally connected to her children every evening, Mary has formed a habit of hugging and kissing them as soon as she gets home from work.
Mary Immaculate, a customer experience executive and a mother of two daughters.
“I then check their school diaries in case of any homework or special requests from the teacher; we do it, after which we colour or play games and either cuddle or read a book and pray for their bedtime routine.”
Working a shift job, Mary has had to miss some of her children’s school events, and although she is heartbroken, she extends a lot of grace to herself and delegates the work.
On days when her children have fallen sick and she is at work, Mary says she does not shy away from taking a compassionate leave.
“At the end of the day, they matter the most to me.” Though motherhood is a part of her, Mary acknowledges that she has adopted self-care practices that keep her engine rolling.
“I love going out with my friends, being in outdoor places, dancing, and exercising. Also, she finds time every single day to journal.” For mothers who are set to return to work after maternity leave, Mary affirms that it gets better.
“You will get into the rhythm; the baby will be fine. Ensure you invest in a good nanny and listen to your instincts. Put in place a routine so that the child is stable. Do not be hard on yourself. Children just need love and a safe environment, and they will survive,” she says.
