I need some advice regarding my marriage. I have been married for over eight years. We have three lovely children, all below 15.
A few years ago, I came across some information that my wife was cheating. When I approached her she stated it was not physical and nothing happened. However, I stumbled on more proof that she was indeed cheating on me and that her previous response was a lie.
After deep reflection, I chose to carry on for the sake of the children. Our marriage has been riddled with suspicion because I believe she didn’t stop being unfaithful. Recently, I learnt she was spotted kissing another man in public. Later, I came across some text messages with heavy sexual connotations. From the chats, it is clear they have been sleeping together for a while now.
I have had enough Pastor and I feel it is time we went our separate ways. I would like to have full custody of the children. Am I being too harsh in seeking separation? Is there another way to handle this issue? Please advise.
Thank you for sharing and being honest about the issues you are facing. Adulterous behaviour can wreck a relationship irreparably.
I hear you and indeed empathise with you and the children in general. It is emotionally ravaging to know that your wife is cheating and still feels the need to be there for the family because of the children.
First, you must agree with me that what you have concerning her adulterous affairs are suspicions that have not been fully confirmed and confronted. From where I stand, I see a man who has information albeit not exhaustive, but has not fully dealt with it; and a woman who either knows that she is cheating and is unable to confess and break the habit. Or it could be that she is totally innocent and a victim of circumstances.
1) Is she/he secretive and overly reactive when you speak about the issue?
Cheating spouses are inconsistent and don't tell the whole truth. They often lead double lives. Most times, they cannot account for their time, gifts they bring with them home, and at times their expenditure.
However, with time it is impossible for them to totally or fully cover their tracks. So, watch out and see if your partner chooses not to reveal much about themselves or is showing areas of inconsistency. Great relationships value authenticity in communication and a willingness to be vulnerable and open with each other in everything.
2) Can you detect an overly defensive and selfish attitude?
Great relationships are made of people who care about the feelings and concerns of their partner. People who lie and cheat on their partners tend to focus on one thing - SELF. They hide their movements for fear of being found out and are made to face the consequences of their actions.
Although they may be aware that their behaviour is inconsistent, they defend themselves so as to still maintain control and enjoy both worlds. Look out for sudden changes in behaviour (i.e. eating habits, dressing and grooming). In addition, changes in behaviour patterns could involve claims of working late, use of the phone or a sudden change in work schedule, less interest in sex, and increased travel that makes it impossible or difficult to reach them.
3) Can you see a repeated pattern in the area of suspicion?
Please check the responses your wife gives you. When she fumbles, avoids, and gives excuses about her whereabouts and offers conflicting stories, this will most likely end up as cheating.
When she is afraid of being questioned on the issue and chooses to offer counter accusations then it is most likely that she could be showing sins of guilt. Do remember that this process requires patience and love as you confront it. She must see that you mean well for her and the relationship.
Second, for you to exhaust this issue fully to the end, you will need to make some sacrifices. For a start, be sure of the evidence you have and the authenticity of the sources of such evidence. People have been known to be good at breaking marriages out of malice. That means you may need to evaluate what you have been told and how truthful it is.
In addition, you will need to consider your wife’ s actions and behaviour in and pick out any inconsistencies. Sometimes the truth we are looking for is right before our eyes. The fact that you are seeking advice is a clear indication that you are interested in making the best choice and not living to regret your decision.
Finally, confronting adultery in a relationship will require evidence, firmness, and speaking the truth in love. It is amazing what love-driven disclosures can do for a relationship. I suspect that you have evidence of suggestive texts she exchanged. If so, determine whether your desire to confront her is to finally win her back or to prove to her that she has been caught.
When you state that you would like a separation but you would like to stay with the children, does this mean that you are unwilling to reconcile? The path I have given above is great for establishing the truth and confronting it in a Godly way.
However, if the desire is to let her go while you stay with the children, the courts have a process on this issue. However, you may want to tread carefully before going down that path. I have seen children grow up and demand their mother or father even after many years of separation or divorce.
Lastly, evaluate your attitude towards her and ask yourself, could it be affecting her negatively?
