I’m torn between my two lovers; who should I pick?

Hello Pastor Kitoto,

I’m 20 and currently involved romantically with two men. I’m having a difficult time deciding where I belong. I entered into the first relationship with no intention of seeing someone else. Still, the second guy was so persistent that I accepted his advances. I aimed to end it before it went too far. I can say that I entered into the second relationship out of pity. Now, we are almost dating for a year, and things seem to be getting out of control. Please tell me what I should do. 

Hi,

Before I get to the specifics of your question, I will address the stages involved in starting a relationship. Once we understand the process, it will be easy for you to determine in which stage you are, and the next step you may need to take.

First, a relationship between two people may start after a planned or unplanned meeting where one or both of you notice and get attracted to each other.

Generally, the outward qualities of individuals seem to draw or repel us from people. Identifying what draws you to them so that you decide to seek them out is essential. We need to realise that what draws us to people must be core enough if the curiosity for them is to be sustained.

Second, a relationship between two people will move on from mere attraction to building interest in what you have noticed about them. Sadly, the interest in many relationships is driven by selfish desire or obsession for the other partner. Suppose the relationship ends up at this stage. In that case, the two people involved are there only for the gratification of the desires of their flesh.

The truth is, an attraction based only on looks is immature and fatal to any relationship. Because trivialising or being blind towards each other’s faults is at its high during this stage. This is where most people will be acting or faking things to keep the other person. If we fail to ask the critical questions, this stage can leave partners wounded or confused for a long time. The big issue here should be the need to find out whether or not there is anything of lasting value that should make you pursue this person. You will need to ask where the relationship is headed.

Formal dating

Third, a relationship between two people moves forward toward a formal dating stage when we reach the point of disclosure that brings clarity. This stage is characterised by sincere love, desire to speak the truth, and a commitment to make discoveries that will lead to solidifying the commitment. As we climatise in this stage, we become vulnerable with information; we share in an unguarded way because we are more honest with and loyal to our partners. It is also the stage where partners identify what makes either person unique, what values need to be embedded to help the relationship last and how to deal with a contrary opinion. Lies are less likely because we have gotten to know each other more deeply.

At this stage of the relationship, couples will take note of the differences. They may even begin to complain or make an attempt at problem-solving. People who learn and use relational intelligence early during this stage will find it easy to minimise the issues as the couple builds a strategy of resolving their challenges. When self-disclosure is more frequent and done freely, it helps move the relationship to intimacy in the next level. When we listen to reason and wisdom, we will be led to make the right choices.

Finally, a relationship between two people reaches the final stage of engagement and intimacy depending on the core values discovered in the previous stage. If you get to the point where you want to be serious with someone, but you hardly know enough about them to sustain a relationship, you are most likely setting yourself up to fail. By this time, you should have known where your partner is headed in life, their friends, their goals, their family background and values so that you don’t get surprised in the future.

We should never enter a relationship out of sympathy. Understanding why you should be in a relationship with a particular person is crucial. To build a lasting relationship, be mindful of what drew you to each other. The timing also has to be right.

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My wife makes me feel like I’m not man enough

Hi Pastor,

My wife and I have been married for four years, and we have two children. She is younger than me by 10 years. Whenever we argue, she becomes verbally abusive. She ignores all the good I do. She reminds me that she will find a man who can provide for her financial needs. She makes me think I am not man enough. I have reached the point of giving up and letting her go. I don’t want to live as a divorcee. I love her and the children and don’t want to start dating again. However, she keeps comparing us to other people, wanting us to move to a new house even when we can’t afford it. She knows what I earn and bring home, while I have no idea how much she gets from her kiosk business. She insists that her business is not doing well. Please advise me.

Hi,

You have brought up several issues that are ailing your relationship. First, it is the way your disagreements quickly turn into arguments whenever you are dealing with a problem. It is crucial to note that conflict management in families must be structured well to avoid finger-pointing, blame and turning the discussion into a shouting match. Here are ways to have a decent conversation

- identify and table the issue that needs to be discussed;

- give each person time to talk without being interrupted;

- respect the other person’s contribution and their views on the issue, and not to trivialise it;

- affirm them and apologise where the other person felt hurt or wounded in the process—this is whether you agree with it or not.

 The other issue is the use of demeaning language by your wife, therefore, rubbishing your efforts. When we use language that is targeted to hurt or scare the other person, we lose the meaning and direction of the discussion. We should try and not trivialise, demean, or ignore the feelings expressed by others through their attempts to communicate. Where stakes are high, great communication must be founded on the expression of compassion and empathy.

Age difference

Third, the age difference and whether it has anything to do with the way she processes and concludes on things. Her constant threats to leave your marriage to find another man is one way of seeking to manipulate and control you. Her language is intended to coerce you to comply or remain under her control. However, relationships are about love, not manipulation, control and intimidation. On the other hand, she could still be immature in the way she processes information.

If money matters are not handled well, they can break a relationship. The two of you need to embrace a joint ideology on finances. Great relationships see money as jointly owned in marriage. Additionally, proper budgeting helps match income to expenses. A day comes when all that is taken away.

I suggest that you look for time to have a candid discussion on these issues. Speaking the truth in love is the only way to salvage it. Since you appear to be the mature one, take advantage and look for a way of bringing sanity. When she shouts or behaves irrationally, try and remain calm. Don’t get into the trap and start arguing without a plan. Bring sense and sobriety. This could be a season that will soon pass. The two of you have a chance to mend the relationship and provide a better home for those children.

How then does a couple keep their marriage on course?

1. Spouses should not just dream about being in a happy marriage. Instead, they should be intentional about creating one. Blessed people are those who not only believe in the beauty of their dreams but who act consistently towards achieving their goals.

2. Spouses must commit to establishing and guarding a confident and audacious relational environment. Such an environment is where spouses are vulnerable and fearlessly honest to each other about what they feel, about the issues they need to be addressed, and about what they are going through. This environment is free of retaliation or blackmail.

3. Spouses must be driven by the right motives if what they desire to see, and experience is to last. Building on innuendoes and hidden agenda is like building a house on shifting sand.

4. Spouses must know and embrace the fact that marriage takes hard work coming out of each partner’s investments in the relationship. Such investments range from resources like time, money, and talents, to values and beliefs.

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