I’d like to marry but can’t handle women nearer my age so I go for older ones

Hallo Mr Kitoto,

I am an avid reader of your column and appreciate the good work you are doing.

I am 26 years old and currently practising law. I think I have a serious problem with my choice of women. Ever since I started dating, I prefer dating  older women just because they are more civilised than those who are younger than me.

Two of my worst experiences occurred recently when I dated two women, who were 17 and 12 years older than me respectively. I never tell the women I date my age, but from my actions they probably think that I am in my early thirties. I don’t care much for younger women because I consider them attention seekers and too demanding.

I feel I should be preparing myself for marriage with a young woman but I find it difficult to  cope with a woman in her early or mid-twenties.  Every time I date one, we break up because of simple disagreements.

I know that my perceptions are wrong but I  just can’t help dating older women.

Kindly advise.

Hi,

As much as I have tried to understand where you are coming from, I would also would like to challenge you to change your perspective and the attitude you have developed towards young and older women. Older women might have the benefit of experience, but you have to be aware that they, too, have their own challenges.

While maturity might come with age, I do not think it applies to all women. I know many older women who show maturity by remaining positively engaged in conversation and problem solving, but I also know many others who are totally lost.

So younger women who might seem inexperienced and unable to connect at a higher level of maturity will grow to become confident and mature older women who will carry themselves with similar dignity and respect. The difference between the two groups of women is time, and at times exposure. The catch is the need to give each other the opportunity to grow as they are affirmed and appreciated. I suggest that you exercise more patience and stop allowing biases to determine your approach since maturity is not necessarily a function of age because there are young women who carry themselves with grace and maturity.

I suggest that you evaluate your motivates with regard to relationships, and in particular what drives you to older women. Find out if you might be compensating for something you lacked. Maybe there is a need in your life that was not met when you were growing up that you now are unconsciously trying to meet.

As we grow up, there are certain tendencies we can develop which seek to make up for what we lacked. For instance, growing up as a young person with adult siblings can drive a person to keep adult/mature company. It could also be that you became dependent on someone and when they are not there you cannot cope and, therefore, identify with those who can fill the gap.

SELFISH PERSON

You also have to interrogate your  definition of love. What does it mean to love and to be loved? Each one of us tends to be drawn to a certain type of person. However, you should realise that love and satisfaction are not necessarily found in that person’s age, but in them as a person. Love is more about giving than receiving, it is patient and sacrificial. Your interpretation of love seems to be mainly tied to your own need. I suggest that you also examine what needs other people have. That is what sacrificial love is all about.

Women have various needs. They might need companionship, appreciation, and friendship while your priority might sexual intimacy. This should inform the way you choose your life partner. Yes, it is important for the woman you get to meet your needs, but she, too, will come with her own needs and expectations. Over the years, I have realised that it is naïve to believe that your partner’s sole duty is to fulfill all your needs.

No single person can meet all your needs. The only way to enjoy a fulfilling relationship is to shun  self-centeredness. If you are selfish, you cannot be happy. Selfishness keeps you asking for more and, thereby, denies you satisfaction. When you learn to give, you allow the other person to flourish. Relationships place several demands on people so you must be prepared to compromise, forgive, be patient and kind.

I guess the question for many, then, would be: Is age a factor to consider when choosing a life partner? From what you have said, you seem to take pride in dating older women. As much as beauty lies in the eye of the beholder, from the many couples I have counselled, I have learnt that age plays a major part in the choice of a marriage partner. But please note that there is nothing wrong marrying someone older than you. However, age is not the only factor you should consider. Remaining objective as you move towards such a choice is key.

It is important, therefore, to ask yourself which ingredients will make yours a lasting relationship? Are you willing to pay the price to build and grow the relationship? Every good relationship takes time, patience and commitment from two people who are walking in the same direction. You, therefore, need to ask yourself where you see yourself in future and who the right person to walk by your side is as you make that journey. It is important for you to reflect on these different aspects as you consider settling down.