I am a regular reader of your column. I am 27 and working. I find younger women too demanding and immature, that is why I parted ways with my previous girlfriend who was 24. I have a problem because I met and got into a relationship with an older woman of 37 years who is also working. She is single and we both love each other. However, for a whole year, I have kept it secret. I find her caring and more mature than my previous younger girlfriends whom I dated. I feel guilty that I am not in the right relationship, but somehow I feel yoked to this older woman. I feel ready for marriage now but I need someone who is younger or of my age. Will it hurt her if I leave her? Kindly advice.
We are all social beings, a product of our upbringing and exposure. We were created with the ability to connect in healthy ways with each other. In dating relationships, I can agree that there are many young people in relationships today that were never prepared or taught about simple issues like kindness, conflict detection and management.
Therefore, relationship breakups arise from immaturity and selfishness that form cracks in the foundation of their relationship. In my desire to challenge you to change the present perspective and attitude you have towards younger and older women, I would like to start by agreeing with you that there are breakups that result from young immature relationships. However, there are many other younger couples in their 20s who have succeeded well in marriage. This same argument applies to older women, so, it is fair to give everyone a fair chance.
However, women who are mature in age too have their own challenges and benefits. Because of their exposure and experience in life, these experiences have taught them to be conscious about what matters the most.
To this extent, they may therefore show greater tolerance and care while staying focused in life. Take note that there are many others who are totally impatient, manipulative and domineering. Indeed, immaturity or maturity may come with age, but, I don’t think this should be taken as a statement of truth regarding all younger and older women.
Without appearing to pass judgment, there are things to celebrate in both older and younger women. For example, many younger women who may have appeared inexperienced and unable sustain a relationship to a level of maturity desired, given the right environment, have grown to become confident and mature as they expose themselves to correction, teaching, and encouragement. I am of the opinion that, treating each other with patience, dignity and respect has the power of producing great fruit.
What makes the difference in relationships is love, respect, time and exposure. The catch is the need to give each other the opportunity grow as they are affirmed and appreciated. I suggest that you grow in your patience towards younger women without allowing biases to determine your approach. Open your eyes wide and see that there are many other younger women around that carry themselves with grace and maturity that you will start to see.
In addition, evaluate what motivates you to go for older women. This should be done while being cognizant of the guilt you have to the extent that you view dating this older woman as a problem and something to do in secrecy. Check if you could be compensating for something you lacked while growing up. May be there is an unmet need or a frustration you faced in your childhood that you now are unconsciously trying to bridge.
As we grow up, there are some tendencies we develop that seem to make up for what we missed. For example, growing up as a child among adult siblings can engineer the need to keep mature company or hate such company depending on the association you had.
Growing up in a loving family or the lack thereof of the same could impact your definition of love. This may call for an interrogation of your own definition of love. What does it mean to love and to be loved? Does being pampered equate to being loved? Satisfaction is not necessarily found in the age of a person but in them as individuals who possess feelings.
Love is more about giving than receiving. Since there is no fear in love, I find it odd for you to be guilty to the extent that you keep your relationship secret. Your interpretation of love seems to be mainly tied to your own need and how you are treated. You can’t be both in love yet your guilt is making you plot a get-away. To this extent, she will be deeply hurt that you have been living a lie.
Remember, we all have basic relationship needs like companionship, appreciation, and friendship. You need to be careful not to base your relationship on needs that are temporary. This should help you question how you choose your life partner. Over the years I have come to realise it is naive to expect that your partner’s sole duty is to fulfil all your needs.
Hinging one’s fulfilment or happiness in a person or group of people is selfishness. This will keep you asking and demanding for more from others without your willingness to pay the price. You are at a place in life where you have to define who you are, what it means to be in love and your convictions. Is she then the right one for you?
This is a question only you can answer after interrogating your beliefs and driving motives. For example, ask yourself why you praise dating older women while at the same time see this as something wrong.
There is nothing wrong with that conviction. With marital satisfaction having become very elusive today, the keys to making your love life work are really in every person’s hands. These are the keys that help unlock the unlimited potential and love and affection that any relationship has. Remaining objective as you move towards such a choice is key. If your desire is to let go, do it with respect. Thereafter, take time to redefine yourself and your love life.
