I married a stingy, selfish man. Should I leave him?
He lives next to his mum's farm and doesn't visit me or help with my medical bills. His excuse in the past was his mother's ill health, but now she's better yet nothing has changed.
I am a newly married woman and I already have doubts that our marriage will last. You see, my husband is distant; both emotionally and literally. He is an entrepreneur who lives next to his mum in his family's farm while I am a civil servant working in a different county.
We talk on the phone almost daily but I do most of the travelling to visit him; he rarely visits me. His excuse in the past was his mother's ill health, but now she's better yet nothing has changed.
Two, he has mama's boy tendencies. He has involved his mother in our arguments in the past. His excuses for not visiting me or spending money on me have always been because his mother needs him. Do not get me wrong, I absolutely love her and I know she loves me too. I have always chipped in here and there when it comes to taking care of her. But I think he is a little bit obsessed with taking care of her and being there for her, to the point of ignoring his own wife's needs. I mean, he has older siblings who can also take care of her but he says "they are not reliable and he doesn't trust them".
Three, he is stingy. So stingy that he hasn't bought me anything for Valentines or my birthdays. Note that I have bought him a birthday cake and a Valentine's gift. He has given me two 'gifts' in the past. I later found out they were gifts his sister gave him, which he didn't like.
He refused to pay my medical bills after I suffered a miscarriage and had to be hospitalised. Thank God my insurance paid 80 percent of that! I paid the rest alone. Ironically, prior to that, I helped pay for his mother's medical bills. I also took him to a hospital and nursed him to health following a short illness without asking for a single shilling from him. In the relationship, it seems I am the giver and he is the taker.
Do you think I am stuck in a loveless marriage? Am I being taken for granted? Should I leave now while I still can? We do not have children yet.
Concerned wife.
Hi
A parent will always be a parent, depending on the connection of the child with the parent/s. At times some children were fond of their parents or one of the parents to the extent that, in marriage, their partner may feel like they are being short-changed. Of course there are moments some parents can be overly manipulative and cause problems in the marriages of their children.
What I see is a combination of a man who grew up having a close bond with the mother; while in marriage, due to your absence, he seems to confide more with the mother. I trust you have a big task of creating your bond without appearing to fight the existing relationships.
Your long distance relationship seems to be hurting the relationship. Perhaps you should talk about the unhealthy state of your love life considering that the two of you are still newly married. A couple may have issues between them that end up knowingly or unknowingly causing the rift. It is important for you to re-examine the reasons behind his desire to stay home and not come to visit you.
I am not sure if you have tried in the past to seek transfer so that you can work nearer home. In addition, your man may be keeping off because he thinks that is the best way to get your attention on an issue he is unhappy about. It is also important to remember that distance in itself has a way of making the connection between a couple weak. Mistrust and suspicions can take root.
That said, I am glad you get along with mother in-law and that she loves you. I would encourage the strengthening of that bond. However, there is a lot of baggage that you are carrying that you need to deal with. There are issues with how the two of you express your love life, deal with issues, and the practical ways you may need to use to connect with his mother.
The issue concerning his failure to visit you needs resolution. You need to approach it without appearing to condemn him. I understand, these issues are big enough to make you be angry and develop negative feelings towards him. The only way is for the two of you to have an honest talk without pointing fingers.
Are there areas he may feel you need to make improvements on? Show him that you really care for him and his mum. Also reconsider moving closer home so that you can reconnect with family.
Bridging the intimacy gap is necessary if the two of you are to reignite your marriage. This will demand that the two of you work towards unblocking the hindrances to your intimacy. May be some of these hindrances started early like an insignificant molehill. Later they have developed to become gigantic mountains that obscure your vision. I suggest that you make depositing of trust little by little but intentionally that will help re-establish connectedness.
Secondly, it is important to give each other unsolicited support emotionally, spiritually and physically. Third, make reasonable requests that are both achievable and manageable. Fourth, show true empathy when your partner needs it.
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