Is envy killing you softly?

If I see a woman getting extra attention from my romantic partner, I will feel jealous. Depending on how unhinged I am, feelings of jealousy and the fear of losing my partner could lead me to drastic action. Jealousy is a human feeling, natural, and like any emotion, it only becomes unhealthy when it gets out of control.

Biblically, God says that he is a jealous one and warns his people about worshiping other gods because his covenant with the people includes loyalty. His love remains unconditional, but his anger is provoked by jealousy. He would never want to lose their souls to another. This is not a license to go hunting down people who stare at your spouse. Morbid jealousy is a psychological disorder.

Jealousy, within the normal confines of human emotion, is good. Envy is not. The ancient Greek Philosopher, Aristotle defines envy as, ‘the pain at the good fortune of others.’ The Germans have an apt description of envy; schadenfreude. This means ‘harm-joy’; the experience of pleasure, joy, or self-satisfaction that comes from learning of or witnessing the troubles, failures, or humiliation of another. Another scholar, Helmut Schoeck echoes this definition by adding, “The envious man thinks that he will be able to walk better if his neighbour breaks a leg."

Unlike jealousy, which involves the fear of losing our person to a third party, envy is a resentful feeling toward another whom we perceive as doing better or possessing something that we wish we had. Envy is driven by comparison and a scarcity mentality. It makes us lose focus on our own growth and direct our energy to sabotage another’s good fortune.

Have you heard of incidences where a colleague finds ways to hack another’s computer and use the victim’s email to send a malicious email to the senior boss or to the whole organisation? This is driven by envy, to sabotage the victims’ career progression.

Envy does happen in a family setup. Siblings can be envious of each other. But envy is ugly when it happens in a marriage relationship. It is uncanny when one spouse is envious of their partner since marriage should make one unit. An envious spouse is a real danger. They do not have a sense of oneness with you. Your successes are not celebrated as a win for the union or family. In fact, your success will almost always lead to resentment from them. If anyone praises you in public, an envious spouse will disparage and belittle you in the privacy of your home. If your spouse is envious, a win for you soon turns into a source of discomfort. When you expected them to be the wind beneath your wings, they instead give you no peace and could in fact clip your wings if they could locate the scissors! An envious spouse fails to realise that if anyone of you wins out here, the whole unit of you two has won. Envy has levels, ranging from a wish that we had the traits and attributes of another, copying another’s traits or accomplishments to the destructive malicious envy that makes an envious person seek to destroy the one they envy.

While we will not easily admit, even to ourselves that we are envious, our spouse and others will easily spot envy. Envy has many sources, including our childhood experiences. If, as parents we create unhealthy competition in our children, comparing them and not acknowledging their different accomplishments, we culture them into envy. They lose confidence in their unique gifting and become insecure. Those who grow up without adequate praise from their parents do not develop an internal congratulator. They did not learn to champion themselves for themselves, unless when compared to another, and hence a belief that there must always be a winner and a loser. Another source of envy in a marriage setup is culture. A man who upholds an outdated gender stereotype will be resentful if his wife receives accolades, steps into higher standing in the community, or earns more than him.

Envy can be fixed only when we see it in ourselves and take a painstaking exercise to detox from it. This includes looking inward, focusing on discovering our areas of gifting, healing our inner child, and working on our self-esteem. As a couple, you can fix envy when you realise that your individual achievements feed into the other’s achievements and enriches your union.

That said, you must never dim your light to appease an envious spouse.

Karimi is a wife and mother who believes marriage is worth it.