Why do men struggle with being vulnerable?
Most men struggle with being vulnerable.
Mark lost his job five months ago, but his routine remained unchanged. He wakes up at 5am, has his morning devotion, stretches, offers the customary kiss to his wife, and drops their children at school. They speak, as per their routine, with his wife during the day. Mark even affords a yawn, “I am so tired. Kazi nyingi...”
The bank, the shylocks, the mobile loans, family, friends and now foes are on his backside. Mark has accrued unhealthy debts to put up a front to his wife. She continues her routine, oblivious to the demons strangling her husband. He is a tad, nope, he is extra snappy at her and the children and sometimes she has caught him shouting on the phone.
“What’s up babe?”
He fakes a smile, “nothing…just the mech trying to mess my day.” She does not like being bogged down with any type of mechanical jargony and he knows it. Something, though, nags at her. His laughter sounds forced, on the surface since his smile never reaches his eyes. His eyes no longer light up when she serves his favourite meal, neither does he notice when she puts on a stringy night wear. Is he losing interest in me? She knows that she looks good. Well-toned, smooth even skin, little scent rubbed on her neck and under crevices and curves, the powder fresh, almond shower gel scent still wafts from the bathroom.
He must be seeing someone else. She seethes with anger but swears not to try to pry conversations out of him any longer.
“I cannot be the one always asking for dialogue. If he has met someone else, let him go. I am done!” She even starts responding to those inbox messages of men in the social media platforms who send her stale pick up lines. Does he think that other men are as blind as him?
The truth comes from unexpected quarters and in a very dramatic manner. Auctioneers show up at their doorstep on the very same day that their children are sent home with a fee note and stern warning, not to show up again in school until the school fees is cleared. She is in shock because he always insisted on settling the big bills even when she could afford to take on half of them.
To make matters worse, she upgraded her car two months before, an unnecessary expense that would have helped him get on his feet. He does not reveal the extent of the financial crisis, just bits and pieces that she must put together to complete the puzzle. What else is he hiding from me? Is he setting me up for some spectacular fall? Who is he? Trust is irretrievably lost.
This is a true story of not one man, but a whole legion of them. Can men explain this please? See, when your wife loses her job, she calls you even before she has finished reading through the letter from Human Resources. By the time she gets home, she has called her friends, her mother, sisters, brothers, even your mother. Within two months, she will have sat through a dozen interviews as her networks kept her busy sending in job leads. By the third month, she would be employed and still getting more offers after the spirited job hunting in the previous months.
What happened to some men who choose to bury their heads in the sand? Was it something in their childhood, or upbringing, to imagine that they must remain macho? Why would you be consumed in debt, to the extent of dragging your family down a hole when simply sharing would have curtailed a crisis?
Is it fear of being judged, deceit or a form of sexism in these men? Do not bite off my head, just give me answers seeing as my jaw is still on the floor.
Karimi is a wife and mother who believes marriage is worth it.
