It appears like my fiancé is growing cold feet about getting married, yet our wedding is just weeks away. She has been going offline for days of late, and when I finally locate her, she cites unconvincing reasons. We had an incident last year where she lost a pregnancy, and I suspect the experience might be the cause. We've been dating for three years since she was in medical school, and I was doing my PhD research there. I'm 31, and she's 26.
I've called a meeting with our pastor and the best couple to resolve the issues, but she doesn't open up. She still shows up for premarital classes, though, and everything else we're doing in preparation for the big day, but her moods are not the same as before.
You should be careful that you don't intervene too much when a person begins to act undecided or unsure. If you do, you may end up recruiting a reluctant player who may never warm up to the game again. That's how many people are married but feel alone inside the marriage.
It's fearful and scary to see a person you've come this far changing on you. Humanly speaking, you'll do everything to dissuade them from giving up.
But what if the root of the problem is deeper? Would you rather pacify the issue on the surface for the sake of going ahead with the ceremony, or would you rather dig up the reasons and accept the reality for whatever it is?
A woman looks at a wedding ring.
Photo credit: Photo I Pool
Sometimes, a shortcut is the longest route because it never quite gets you to the destination.
So, let's take the long route of diagnosing what might have happened.
First of all, the foundation of this relationship is wrong because you crossed sexual boundaries. I know. You may say that you were already committed to getting married anyway, and there wasn't much difference between doing it that time and waiting.
What you didn't realise is that there are two sides to people, and you can only see one side at a time. During initial dating, before you become exclusive, you see one side. We can call it the outside view. You met on coffee dates and talked on the phone for hours. You were watching their life from the outside, and your interactions were intensely emotional.
During this stage, you tend to see mainly someone's strengths, and you love them because of that.
Then, you decided to become exclusive and work towards getting married. That was the commencement of the second stage of dating, during which the second side of the person is visible.
You became an insider in each other's life, and you could see the 'back end' of things, so to speak.
This is the time you get to see someone's finances, whether they live within their means, whether they're in debt all over, and whether they're generous or stingy.
This is the time you get to see someone's personal space and how tidy or messy it is. You can pop by their house impromptu and get a view of their ordinary life when they're not expecting a visitor.
This is the time you get to see the type of friends this person keeps and how healthy or unhealthy their relationships are. This can be a huge red flag when a person keeps very toxic friends or they can't make a decision without their approval.
This is the time you get to see someone's sexual conduct close up. Do they have boundaries with the opposite sex? Do they have a string of past sexual partners, also known as exes? If you marry them, what will you have to deal with? People who have had sexual intimacy with the person you marry can disrespect or insult you with evidence, and you will have no comeback.
You don't want a reluctant wife who leaves you working alone to sustain the union.
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They could just pull out an intimate photo or a screenshot of their conversations with your partner. You need to know what kind of emotional debris this person has left behind so that you're prepared.
Marriage has a weird way of making you a partaker in someone's past. You become a part of their story, both past and future.
This is the time you get to see someone's real spiritual convictions. For example, you're both talking about church weddings and pastors while also referring to premarital sex rather casually. Either one or both of you are not committed to the faith you profess. Christian teachings are strictly against premarital sex.
In short, the second phase of dating is where you get to know the real person behind the persona. The first phase of dating is highly romantic, while the second phase is highly realistic.
Lastly, this is the time you get to see how emotionally mature a person is. You get to cross each other over one issue or another. You collaborate on tasks and see how dependable the person is.
In truth, the second phase of dating is the real road test for your prospective marriage. You get to test drive the person and their personality, not just their body in bed.
The one thing that can sabotage this second phase is crossing sexual boundaries. Sex brings a flood of hormones and a cocktail of emotions that make rational thinking nearly impossible.
I can bet you that you'd have seen this lady's red flags if you maintained a sober mind through clear sexual boundaries.
This is what I suggest you do: stop pushing and step back. Let this woman make a sound decision as to whether she still wants to get married to you.
Do not focus too much on the wedding because that's only a ceremony. Marriage is the main thing, and it involves a lifelong commitment. You can even play reverse psychology by suggesting to postpone everything first to give her time to think.
You should only continue with the plans if you see her get back to the right energy of being delighted and hungry to build a life with you.
If she continues to behave conflicted, call it off yourself. You don't want a reluctant wife who leaves you working alone to sustain the union.
