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Let’s free our firstborns from the burden of perfectionism
The firstborn gets the biggest dose of parental expectation, pressure, and perfectionism because they are trained, tested, and reinforced.
What you need to know:
- Firstborns become mini adults early, responsible, dependable, bossy and very, very tired.
- Firstborn daughters need extreme therapy and a bigger share of the inheritance.
We had a long lunch with an eighth-born. Yes, you read that right—eighth—and she is not even the lastborn, just one of the middle ones. Do you know why I was envious?
She broke all the rules while growing up and got away with everything. Her stories had me shaking my head in disbelief and laughing. Meanwhile, we, the firstborns, were busy toeing the line and snitching on those doing otherwise.
Firstborns get it when I say: we need therapy, and for good reason. We rarely break rules, both at home and at school. In fact, we were often the ones enforcing them.
Chances are high that if you are a firstborn, you were also a prefect, or the responsible one who reminded everyone to tuck in their shirts and walk on the pavement. We were the rule keepers and makers, the compliant ones who respected authority.
Did you know all James Bond actors were firstborns? Yes, each of those very suave, unflappable, save-the-world versions of 007 carry the classic firstborn signature: confident, responsible, and slightly allergic to losing control. Social scientists and family therapists agree that birth order plays a huge role in shaping our personalities.
The firstborn gets the biggest dose of parental expectation, pressure, and perfectionism because they are trained, tested, and reinforced. They are the guinea pigs. When the first child arrives, parents are new, nervous, and determined to do everything right. The result? A child who grows up under the microscope of eager but inexperienced parents.
Psychologists, such as Alfred Adler, one of the pioneers in studying birth order, have found that firstborns tend to be ambitious, conscientious, and achievement-oriented.
But then baby number two arrives, and it becomes a dethronement. Suddenly, the firstborn’s undivided attention disappears, replaced by new responsibilities and a strong urge to regain approval through achievement.
Mini adults
A University of Leipzig study (2015) confirmed that firstborns often display slightly higher IQs and stronger leadership tendencies, not because of genetics, but because of that early, intense one-on-one engagement and the experience of mentoring younger siblings.
Firstborns become mini adults early, responsible, dependable, bossy and very, very tired. Firstborn daughters need extreme therapy and a bigger share of the inheritance. They are the overburdened natural leaders of the family, the ones you trust with the family secrets and the title deed. We even return the change when you send us shopping.
The assistant parent’s role means that firstborns naturally grow into leadership roles as they thrive on structure, reliability, and respect for authority. But all that responsibility can become a heavy burden if not balanced with play and grace. Firstborns are usually labelled as ‘too serious for life.’
The weight of being ‘the example’ causes a challenge that psychologists refer to as the burden of perfection. Firstborns fear failure more than KRA. Telling a firstborn to relax without feeling guilty is like asking for a tax refund. Impossible.
How can we parent a firstborn without traumatising them?
First, we must allow them to be kids, even when the other siblings arrive. Let us not be too hard on them, even when they make mistakes. Overusing the ‘you are the eldest, you should know better’ already drives shame into them. They are children; they make mistakes, they should learn chores, but they should not raise their siblings.
In parenting firstborns, we should teach them that trying matters, even more than winning. Many dreams are buried because a firstborn founder failed the first time when they tried to actualise their vision. While at it, make it safe for firstborns to air their opinions even when they differ from yours.
Many firstborns suppress their emotions to keep the peace. As a parent, if you are a firstborn, please remind yourself that you are raising children, not projects. We are often accused of being overly strict and expecting perfectionism from our children.
In all cultures and religions, firstborns, especially sons, have a sacred position in the family and community. They lead, they plan, and they care deeply, often to their own exhaustion. Yes, they need both therapy and a nice, long holiday. Meanwhile, there would not be a firstborn if we did not have a middle child and a lastborn, yes?
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