Thank you for the advice you give us each week, I am a frequent reader of this column. I decided to write in because I need guidance on how to deal with my situation. I am 28 and dating a 55-year old man. He has children from two previous relationships.
For the short time I have dated him, I can see why those relationships didn’t work. He is a toxic man, very negative and sometimes hateful in his speech. We are in a long-distance relationship so we mostly communicate on phone. I dread his calls because they always leave me feeling discouraged and robbed of peace.
I have a job, and sometimes he calls to ask me for money. When he visits me, I feel it is just for sex. He is very controlling and insecure. Could it be our age gap that makes him behave this way? That said, whenever he gets money, he gives me anything I want. Should I continue dating him?
Thank you for being an ardent reader of this column. We are glad that you are finding the articles helpful.
There is a common saying, “garbage in, garbage out.” Therefore, it is only relevant information that contributes positively to a relationship. For example, what you have been listening to from this guy has not be helping you at all. The thing is, when his interactions leave you more discouraged than when you don’t see him at all, then there is need to evaluate whether this is the kind of person you need to have in your life.
Remember, out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks. Our words reveal a lot about what we think and who we are. Is he the kind of person you need to have as a boyfriend? The fact is, communication should not just be an avenue of exchanging information by a profound way of building each other through our words and actions.
Further, from the information you have given, it is definite that your man’s character, attitude and value system is deficient and unhealthy towards you. The question to ask is whether he is doing this to deliberately hurt you, pass a certain message or this is who he is. Sometimes, it could be a character flaw that is beyond your control. To the contrary, he could be cleverly looking for a way to kick you out. Whatever the case, the environment you are in is toxic and is exposing you to unwarranted stress.
You raised the issue of your age difference. Do you think your 20-year gap could be making it difficult for him to relate well with you? Perhaps he is insecure given that you are young, financially stable and live in a different town It is possible for such insecurities to morph into anxiety, fear, and jealousies.
I have come across men who use intimidation to want to control younger beautiful girlfriends. If this is the case, then you should watch out for emotional abuse that could destroy your self-esteem.
Relationships are not all about gifts and sex. If all he leaves you with is pain, it is up to you to determine what is more important for you. Is it sex and gifts or do you need to walk away and seek healing?
In a nutshell, I invite you to consider the following:
Determine that character is priority: No one will object to the fact that character matters. A great relationship must possess such qualities as trust, faithfulness, respect, and humility. Pride can be a killer of great thriving relationships.
Every partner should be able to ask, “Why should I trust this individual with my life?”
Determine your shared beliefs and values: Every spouse must look for those shared values—like faith, respect, parenting, and family.
Great friend: A friend takes you as you are and appreciates being with you. A great partner is one who is committed to making you a better person. A partner who is consumed with a vendetta, blame, and verbal abuse will do nothing but rob you of your self-worth.
Finally, relational intelligence will help you make wise choices that are in line with your convictions and values. To determine what works better for you, consider what is on offer. Is having this man in your life good for you?
If indeed this man’s values, beliefs and habits are rotten, why would you have him in bed with you? I suggest that you value friendship above all other things.
