My daughter hates school

Question

Hi Prof, the Government recently announced that schools would reopen in October but my six-year-old daughter hates school. I don’t know if there exists a child who does not hate school. How do I prepare her mind to accept the reality of going back to school? Every time I bring up the topic, she cries or covers her ears with her hands. 

Answer

No matter how old your child is, whether he or she is developing normally or not, school anxiety is a real thing. Your child is in her middle childhood; a critical time for children to develop confidence in all areas of life.

Estimates indicate that as many as 20 per cent of children show signs of school refusal at one time or another during their school life. School refusal commonly arises after a period of school absence due to illness or holidays or a significant change, such as starting a new school or moving from primary to high school. Covid-19 has introduced to the school going children a new normal of staying at home and enjoying the comforts of being at home with all the provisions they require; at least for the endowed children. It has also introduced fears of contracting the disease if one goes back to school; something you may want to explore with your child.

Nobody’s to blame

However, no factor or person is to blame for school refusal for it is caused by a complex interaction of multiple risk factors involving the child, family, school, education sector and the wider world. Children can shun going to school because of the following reasons: personalised unaddressed issues; grieving the cohesion and support at home; fear of being bullied; fear of schoolwork; frustration with the school community; distressing home environment and having generalised anxiety disorders (GAD) of school life.

Interventions to treat school refusal involve mental, emotional and behavioural change like encouraging relaxation, challenging anxious thoughts and emotions and supporting a gradual exposure to the fear. Interventions also include helping parents gain skills of dealing with challenging behaviours of their children. Interventions targeting children aim to provide skills to cope with distress or discomfort while increasing school attendance. Research suggests that with professional support, school attendance can be improved, but anxiety may persist for some time.

Here are ways you can deal with your child’s school refusal:

Identify the underlying problem: At a time when you are both calm, ask your child to describe the critical challenges of going to school. Together, you may be able to solve these problems or develop a plan to manage them.

Take a kind but firm approach: It is important to convey kindness, as your child is experiencing something distressing. Kindness can be conveyed by listening to her talk about her worries, offering a moment of physical affection and remaining calm in the face of frustration. There is also a kindness in encouraging your child to face her fears; this would promote her confidence and autonomy.

Give clear and consistent messages: My clinical experience has taught me that there are subtle yet critical differences in how parents communicate about school attendance. Consider this scenario:

You wake your child for school at 7:15am while required to leave the house at 7.45am, concerned that you are waking her up too early. You sit on the bed and ask, “How are you feeling today baby?” She may become distressed and throw tantrums about not going to school. This may get you anxious, and you shout at her while you get of the house threatening you will not soothe her any more.

Psychologically prepared

Note you have given her only a short time to get ready, and while you are concerned, the verbal messages around school attendance are ambiguous, and your ill-equipped strategies are not helping matters. A more helpful approach would include: waking the child earlier and helping her through the motions of preparing herself for school. That way, she will be psychologically prepared for school attendance.

Set clear routines on days your child is not attending school, especially during this period of Covid-19. Setting up a home routine similar to the school one would help your child address the lethargy of school refusal. For example: helping her resolve issues around the school community; getting her wake up at a particular mutually agreed upon time; limiting access to TV and internet; encouraging completion of school work and setting activities which are time-bound. That way, she will not feel threatened with the structures in the school and the school community.

Support system

Finally, involve a support system to help you get her to appreciate the importance of attending school. Those to be involved may include other family members she looks up to with respect like grandparents or elderly persons in the home. You can also involve some teachers who are close to the child to help you intervene in helping her address issues, making her to resist going to school.

While these feelings are unpleasant for you and your child, with the right support and intervention, your child can overcome school refusal and become a champion of encouraging other children to build motivation of school attendance.

Catherine Gachutha, PhD, is the Director, Kenya Institute of Business and Counselling Studies (KIBCo.

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